I've got to admit; I have fallen for the religion of consumerism. American christendom is plagued with consumerism. Our "sanctuaries" are similar to movie theaters. Our lobbies are like shopping malls with their fountains, waterfalls and coffee shops. An increasing number of pastors teach a gospel of prosperity: the more you give God, the more He will give back to you. Isn't this more of an investment strategy rather than The Gospel?
I admit it; I have consumerist thoughts: How am I going to be able to put money away for retirement? God reminds me, "The disciples never had a retirement plan." How can I make life better or more comfortable for my son and I? God answers, "How can you make life better for someone else?" How am I going to make it month-to-month? God replies, "Most of my children around the world wonder how they will make it day-to-day?"
For years, I have believed that we are to walk by faith. I have had to have constant reminders about what it means to live by faith. There have been times God has called me to live by faith, to go on missions where I did not know where the money and resources would come from. I went and he was faithful to provide. I went out on faith when it came to adoption. "I am not sure I will make a good dad," I protested. God answered, "Look to me and I will show you how." Now God has called me to bring an orphan over from Latvia to host him during Christmas. It was a decision that would have to be made quickly. I asked friends to pray whom I know would seek God's will. The answer they got back from God was an emphatic, "Yes, do this!" Of course, I have no idea how I will come up with $2,500.00. Maybe God is calling me to look at my budget and see what I can cut out in order to benefit someone else.
All I know is that over the past couple of days, I have been constantly reminded of Jesus' words, "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." This is day three of the Journey to bring Elvis. I have to admit, doubt plagues me once again. I am at 10% of the funds needed to bring Elvis to America. A more scarier thought is, "What if God calls me to adopt this young man?" I have NO IDEA where that money would come from as this is a much costlier proposition in the ways of finances and time. I am constantly putting this thought out of my mind due to fear and paralysis.
This I do know; when God gets a hold of your life and heart, He will completely wreck it. This is a good thing. Unlike the way we wreck things, when God wrecks, He rebuilds us to be stronger. He is wrecking my materialistic and consumeristic mind. I know I will survive it but I am just not sure how. This is what it means to live by faith, not by finances.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
The New Oppression
While there were many causes to the Civil War, the greatest catalyst for the conflict was the issue of "the rights of the few" (aristocratic, Southern slave owners), States rights (to protect the rights of the few) and entitlement. It was during these dark days of American history where many American's lost their lives over the issue of "rights and entitlements". It was the rights of the few that allowed oppression to continue decades after slavery with Jim Crowe Laws, violation of civil rights and the formation of elitist racial superiority groups and agendas.
We live in a new period of oppression and yet it operates just as it did in the days of the Roman Empire, Nazi Germany and American slavery. It is the oppression of freedom. It is an oxymoron indeed, but it is the demanded "rights" and "entitlement" of the few that have encroached on the freedom of the many. The spectrum of those who feel entitled range from the affluent to the impoverished, whether they be politicians or welfare system abusers. The demand for "individual freedoms" has given way to entitlement, individualism and immorality at the cost of a healthy society and completely destroys any sense of community.
This demand for the "new freedom" has reeked havoc on our society, especially our children, in the following forms:
We live in a new period of oppression and yet it operates just as it did in the days of the Roman Empire, Nazi Germany and American slavery. It is the oppression of freedom. It is an oxymoron indeed, but it is the demanded "rights" and "entitlement" of the few that have encroached on the freedom of the many. The spectrum of those who feel entitled range from the affluent to the impoverished, whether they be politicians or welfare system abusers. The demand for "individual freedoms" has given way to entitlement, individualism and immorality at the cost of a healthy society and completely destroys any sense of community.
This demand for the "new freedom" has reeked havoc on our society, especially our children, in the following forms:
- Countless are the numbers of parents who question when they will get "me time". Here is a clue: Once you decided to have a child, you will rarely get "me time" because your most important investment on time will come in the way of how you build into your child; not yourself.
- Adolescence has been extended from ages 11 - 29 (and growing) because of the insistence on young people's "right" to find themselves and put off becoming an adult. Numerous young adults are returning to the former "empty nest" due to the inability to mature and take responsibility for their own lives.
- "No fault/Uncontested Divorce" is an inexpensive and easy option for getting out of an "unhappy" marriage. Few people are willing to live under the concept of sacrifice, forgiveness and "love beyond emotion and feelings". As a result, our divorce rate in America closes in on 60%! Are 60% of divorces TRULY a result of infidelity and/or abuse? If that is the case, that is an even more alarming indictment against the immaturity of adults in America!
- Parents, coaches and umpires have come to physical altercations in front of children all because of some "bad call" or that some game is at stake. It is no longer about team work, sportsmanship and teaching children how to play together.
- School systems in America have resorted to "cheating" scandals in an effort to make their school system and teachers look better then they really are. We no longer teach children "how to think" rather we teach them "what to think".
- An alarming number of children each year (nearly 500,000) are place in a dysfunctional system known as the foster care system due to the inability for parents to properly parent their children. What is worse, few of these children actually get the help they need while in the system making one to wonder if the child were better off left in one dysfunctional system over another.
- Political systems and agendas are frequently tied to religious viewpoints that claim that God is a Republican or Democrat, socialist or libertarian, male or female, and so on. In reality, Jesus claimed that his kingdom was not of this world, so why do we keep behaving as if it were?
- Countless adult agendas that promote sexualized and popularized children (children's pageants, "disney-esque" pop stars, alarming rate of internet child pornography) continue to rise as marketing sees children as objects to be marketed to and exploited.
- The homosexual agenda that has made the genius move to take an issue that, for countless centuries has been considered a moral issue, to a "civil rights" issue. Riding the coattails of the homosexual agenda, organizations such as NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) are pushing to lower the age of consent and endorsing homosexual relationships are trying to legalize pedophilia - all in the name of "freedom". Homosexuality is a moral issue, not a civil rights issue. Abortion, homosexuality and pornography have all cowardly hidden behind "freedom of speech" clauses all at the cost of societal decency. Can anyone, with any good conscience, not see where this downhill slippery slope leads to? If the homosexual agenda wins in the arena of civil rights, media continues to sexualize our children, and if the age of consent is lowered, do we really think pedophilia will decrease?
So, what will it take to correct these problems? In short, it will take adults finally growing up to be adults and having the understanding that, for the betterment of society, we need to die to our own individual and personal pursuits of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". Adults need to regain the status of protectors of the vulnerable - especially our children and for the sake of our society, we need to put aside our own "rights, entitlements and false freedom" so that our children may have a future.
But what else are we to expect from a culture that has defined their Christianity in terms of moralistic (God wants me to be good), therapeutic (God wants me to be happy), narcissistic (my faith is private and all about me and God), deism (there is a god and I define him how I want)? The worse question is one would have to ask, where does Americans get this spiritual direction? It would obviously have to be from American pulpits that preach a gospel of prosperity, individual salvation, a feel-good God devoid of judgment and hell, and worship that makes me happy. This is the "new spiritual freedom" that has little to do with authentic Christianity.
I believe Jesus said it best when he said, "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39)
In a nutshell, America needs to grow up and quite pursuing their own individual agendas.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Moralistic, Therapeutic, (Narcissistic) Deism
Christian Smith's book dealing with the spiritual state of American teens in the National Study of Youth and Religion has come to the conclusion that teens ascribe to a "Moralist, Therapeutic, Deistic" viewpoint of life. (God wants me to be good, God wants me to be happy and there is a God.) While Smith uses the terms moralistic, therapeutic, deism - I have added the term narcissistic. (The belief that I can be a Christian and not go to church is pervasive among many who would call themselves Christians. This is a very partial truth. You can be a believer and not go to church, but your faith and growth will be very shallow and minimal for your challenges and theology will be minimal. This mentality has bled over to the adult world. The question is, "Where did Americans get this viewpoint?" The answer is obvious: the pulpits of America. In a culture that teaches prosperity gospel (If you do this, God will bless you this way - If I am good, God will bless me), it is easy to see how American people become selfish - selfishness is being promoted from pulpits.
What is more, I suspect there is another reason men in particular are not interested in going to church is because they are contending with the egos of male pastors. For many Senior or Lead Pastors, their perspective is the only perspective. (If you do not do it this way, a.k.a., my way, it is the wrong way.) There is little concept of true teamwork within the Church. I had a friend of mine send me the following blog from Perry Noble:
Thanks LJ, and thanks Perry Noble! The reality is that so many Lead Pastors are either self-deceived or nobody has the spine to stand up to them and let them know the truth that they fail at most of the list above. I suspect most Lead Pastors would ignore Perry's "BTW" encouragement.
Our selfishness has caused us to lack the very grace that Jesus calls upon us to display. It has lead to a lack of humility in church leadership. Young people have learned this moralistic, therapeutic (narcissistic) deism from church leadership in the way most youth and children's pastors are treated. (If your youth/children's pastor performs to my expectations, a.k.a., if they are good enough, we will reward them by letting them stay, a.k.a., if I am happy, they will be happy.) As far as narcissism is concerned, every personality led church begins to take on the personality of the Lead Pastor anywhere from 6 - 8 years.
Truth is, maybe I am a bit embittered as a Youth Pastor in our current culture, but it is not without reason. I have been doing Youth Ministry for 27+ years and the most affirming and mentored positions I have ever been involved in were para-church organizations. There seems to be a difference in the personalities of Lead/Senior Pastors and para-church directors. (Less ego maybe?)
Regardless of my personal opinions, the reality is that the Church in America is BLEEDING people! Authentic believers are swapping churches left and right and when this happens, Lead and Senior Pastors call them spiritually immature rather than having an honest look at their own spiritual immaturity. This is not a comment about my current or previous positions; my comments are based on my experiences as well as experiences and conversations with many, many youth pastors. I am not a 20-something, newly out of school youth pastor. In 4 years (I can't believe this), I will be 50 with 27 years ministry experience. I am working on my Doctorate where we are studying Youth, Family and Culture. I don't think I am a slouch.
My plea: "Senior and Lead Pastors of America; are you pandering to moralistic, therapeutic, (narcissistic) deism? Are you a team player as much as you expect your staff to be or is it your way or the highway? If you were to grade yourself on Perry Noble's Questions, how well would you do?"
There is a lot at stake here, mainly the fate of the Church in America.
What is more, I suspect there is another reason men in particular are not interested in going to church is because they are contending with the egos of male pastors. For many Senior or Lead Pastors, their perspective is the only perspective. (If you do not do it this way, a.k.a., my way, it is the wrong way.) There is little concept of true teamwork within the Church. I had a friend of mine send me the following blog from Perry Noble:
From his blog:
#1 – When I walk into a room are people glad to see me or freaked out/stressed that I am there?
#2 – Am I more known as an encourager or as someone who is always pointing out everything that seems to be wrong?
#3 – Does my staff know about loyalty because I model it for them or because I demand it from them?
#4
– Do I always assume the best about a staff member when I hear that
they have made a mistake? (Love ALWAYS assumes the best about a person,
ALWAYS, see I Corinthians 13:4-7!)
#5
– When I disagree with someone…do I do so in a way that respects the
person OR do I attempt to tear down the person AND their position in
order to intimidate anyone else in the room who may agree with them?
#6 – Am I celebrating the past more than I am anticipating the future?
#7
– Am I ignoring anything that really needs to be dealt with? If so,
why? (Anyone can identify a problem, only a leader will embrace the
uncomfortable and the unknown and actually do something about it!)
#8 – Am I a person who is known for contacting others only when I want something from them?
#9
– When I go home and am with my wife and kids…am I checking out my
online platform to see what others are saying about me or am I fully
engaged with my family?
#10 – Do I motivate people or discourage them?
BTW…if you do not know the answers to these questions, they would make a great agenda for your next leadership meeting!Thanks LJ, and thanks Perry Noble! The reality is that so many Lead Pastors are either self-deceived or nobody has the spine to stand up to them and let them know the truth that they fail at most of the list above. I suspect most Lead Pastors would ignore Perry's "BTW" encouragement.
Our selfishness has caused us to lack the very grace that Jesus calls upon us to display. It has lead to a lack of humility in church leadership. Young people have learned this moralistic, therapeutic (narcissistic) deism from church leadership in the way most youth and children's pastors are treated. (If your youth/children's pastor performs to my expectations, a.k.a., if they are good enough, we will reward them by letting them stay, a.k.a., if I am happy, they will be happy.) As far as narcissism is concerned, every personality led church begins to take on the personality of the Lead Pastor anywhere from 6 - 8 years.
Truth is, maybe I am a bit embittered as a Youth Pastor in our current culture, but it is not without reason. I have been doing Youth Ministry for 27+ years and the most affirming and mentored positions I have ever been involved in were para-church organizations. There seems to be a difference in the personalities of Lead/Senior Pastors and para-church directors. (Less ego maybe?)
Regardless of my personal opinions, the reality is that the Church in America is BLEEDING people! Authentic believers are swapping churches left and right and when this happens, Lead and Senior Pastors call them spiritually immature rather than having an honest look at their own spiritual immaturity. This is not a comment about my current or previous positions; my comments are based on my experiences as well as experiences and conversations with many, many youth pastors. I am not a 20-something, newly out of school youth pastor. In 4 years (I can't believe this), I will be 50 with 27 years ministry experience. I am working on my Doctorate where we are studying Youth, Family and Culture. I don't think I am a slouch.
My plea: "Senior and Lead Pastors of America; are you pandering to moralistic, therapeutic, (narcissistic) deism? Are you a team player as much as you expect your staff to be or is it your way or the highway? If you were to grade yourself on Perry Noble's Questions, how well would you do?"
There is a lot at stake here, mainly the fate of the Church in America.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Heart and Pain of a Father
I got word recently that a parent was talking really negatively about my son to another parent, behind our backs when my son wasn't even around. It hurt and it hurt a lot. The truth of the matter is that these parents really have no idea of the years of abuse and neglect my son went through. There is no telling this person how much my son has had to overcome. Yes, I get more frustrated with my son more than anyone and people have no idea of the things he and I have to overcome. I do not use his past as an excuse. I constantly have to remind him, "You are not a victim, you are an over comer!" I would wish that the parent would have displayed a little more compassion, a little more understanding and a little less gossip.
What is worse: we in the Church, in the midst of our pain and frustration, tend to gossip and share. I have been guilty of this. We all have. What breaks my heart though is that we tend to excuse it and we as Christians tend to be no different than non-Christians.
Then it made me realize the heart and pain of THE Father God. We all stand guilty of sin and infractions. There is no doubt we are sinful and broken - each and every one of us. To make matters worse, we have an accuser, (this is what "Satan" means), an adversary, an enemy who seeks to tear us down in front of the Heavenly Hosts. We, like Satan, can easily become accusers. We are condemned for our sin and Satan knows it. What he fails to see or acknowledge is that Christ has set us free from our sin, the consequences of our sin and, most importantly, the accusations of our sin.
God forgive us all. God give us the heart of The Father. God let us feel Your pain when we accuse.
What is worse: we in the Church, in the midst of our pain and frustration, tend to gossip and share. I have been guilty of this. We all have. What breaks my heart though is that we tend to excuse it and we as Christians tend to be no different than non-Christians.
Then it made me realize the heart and pain of THE Father God. We all stand guilty of sin and infractions. There is no doubt we are sinful and broken - each and every one of us. To make matters worse, we have an accuser, (this is what "Satan" means), an adversary, an enemy who seeks to tear us down in front of the Heavenly Hosts. We, like Satan, can easily become accusers. We are condemned for our sin and Satan knows it. What he fails to see or acknowledge is that Christ has set us free from our sin, the consequences of our sin and, most importantly, the accusations of our sin.
God forgive us all. God give us the heart of The Father. God let us feel Your pain when we accuse.
The Adoption Journey
I have to be careful not to throw the little guy under the bus! While I want to share many of the things that are going on in our lives, I don't want him to be embarrassed. It has been a while since I have been able to write. Life has been a huge whirlwind! If you have seen the recent pictures of the tornadoes that have ripped through the Mid-west, that is what my life has been like recently!
We finished a big night production called United, where the students lead everything. It only took some coaching on my part and some mentoring from other adult leaders. Then we went right into the Jamaica phase AND Atlanta Fest at a place called Stone Mountain. Fortunately, I have some great Youth Adult volunteers that pulled off Jamaica spectacularly while our Mission Team and I were in Jamaica! This is all on top of our Tuesday Night Bible Study and coming back on the morning of the 18th (5:30 AM) and preaching two services on the 19th!
I could say SO much about Jamaica, but I want to catch everyone up on the adoption process! First, I have to say I have the MOST amazing and supportive Church in the UNIVERSE! Not only have them been gracious and accepting of Aaron, but they have been preparing his room (Army decor - a man after my own heart, hoorah!), but they are also throwing him a "Welcome To Loganville" Party to REALLY make him feel welcome. They have also been very supportive of him on the Mission Trip and made him feel just as much a part of the team as anyone else.
I've got to set this one up a little bit: Our first day in Jamaica, we actually went to the beach in Montego Bay. (Suffering for Jesus, right?) It is just the way our schedule worked out. Usually, beach day is at the end of the week, but of course, nothing goes as "normal" for The Orchard! At the beach I discovered that, while Aaron thought he could swim, he could swim about as good as putting a pair of flippers on a rock! The flippers won't help. So, I spent time as his "water taxi" carting him around with a snorkel on each of us so that he could see all the colorful fish at the various reefs. (This after he drank about a 1/2 gallon of sea-water and regurgitated 1/4 of it back up! Yummm, chum for the fish!) After a half day of doing this and swimming "with him", he finally got the hang of "relaxing" in the water and when he got tired, turning on his back to float. (A great achievement! In a previous life many years ago, I have actually been a Life Guard, Life Guard Instructor, Water Safety Instructor, and Swim Instructor - who knew that would come in handy at my age!) Anyhoo - Aaron really got the hang of it - especially after we spent more time in the pool. (He preferred the taste of the fresh water over the taste of the saltwater.) SPOILER: this next point is important: Needless to say, Aaron took to swimming like a fish takes to, well, water! (Awesome - another "consequence" to hold over his head if he misbehaves! Can you see where this is going?)
Apparently, OSHA has been put out of business in Jamaica! Every building seemed to be comprised of stairs that had no barrier or hand rails or what have you - nor did many of the roofs. Many a curious teen had taken a stroll up to the very top of the hotel roof to get a gander of the incredible Ocean view! It was truly amazing and I was only mad at myself for not thinking of doing this until AFTER these folks got caught and there was a general announcement about staying off the roof. (At least they could plead ignorance - I had no such luxury; well, at least for this situation!)
After leaving Aaron in the capable hands of some leaders who specifically told him, "Don't go on the roof," which he apparently took as a, "Feel free to wander around on the roof" invitation, I had to leave to a different work site. Needless to say, I was none to happy when I heard of what had happened! As a natural consequence after investigating the crime, I told Aaron that he would not be allowed to go in the pool that evening. You would have thought I told him that we were about to rip his toenails off one by one and dip his feet in alcohol! He was ready to fight! He barreled out his chest, clinched his fists and declared, "I'm going to the airport!" How he was going to get there and what he would do when and if he got there was not part of his cognitive planning yet as he stormed out of the hotel toward the gate. I hollered after him, "Look buddy, if you go outside of those gates, you will also be grounded from swimming tomorrow as well. This was enough to give him pause... but only for a second or two. He really must have thought he would be able to board an International flight without any adult supervision for he went out of the gate and promptly turned to the right! The problem is that the airport... was to the left! You would think he would have noticed this as he took his stroll on the roof and the airport is very prominent from that position.
Like a trapped
We finished a big night production called United, where the students lead everything. It only took some coaching on my part and some mentoring from other adult leaders. Then we went right into the Jamaica phase AND Atlanta Fest at a place called Stone Mountain. Fortunately, I have some great Youth Adult volunteers that pulled off Jamaica spectacularly while our Mission Team and I were in Jamaica! This is all on top of our Tuesday Night Bible Study and coming back on the morning of the 18th (5:30 AM) and preaching two services on the 19th!
I could say SO much about Jamaica, but I want to catch everyone up on the adoption process! First, I have to say I have the MOST amazing and supportive Church in the UNIVERSE! Not only have them been gracious and accepting of Aaron, but they have been preparing his room (Army decor - a man after my own heart, hoorah!), but they are also throwing him a "Welcome To Loganville" Party to REALLY make him feel welcome. They have also been very supportive of him on the Mission Trip and made him feel just as much a part of the team as anyone else.
I've got to set this one up a little bit: Our first day in Jamaica, we actually went to the beach in Montego Bay. (Suffering for Jesus, right?) It is just the way our schedule worked out. Usually, beach day is at the end of the week, but of course, nothing goes as "normal" for The Orchard! At the beach I discovered that, while Aaron thought he could swim, he could swim about as good as putting a pair of flippers on a rock! The flippers won't help. So, I spent time as his "water taxi" carting him around with a snorkel on each of us so that he could see all the colorful fish at the various reefs. (This after he drank about a 1/2 gallon of sea-water and regurgitated 1/4 of it back up! Yummm, chum for the fish!) After a half day of doing this and swimming "with him", he finally got the hang of "relaxing" in the water and when he got tired, turning on his back to float. (A great achievement! In a previous life many years ago, I have actually been a Life Guard, Life Guard Instructor, Water Safety Instructor, and Swim Instructor - who knew that would come in handy at my age!) Anyhoo - Aaron really got the hang of it - especially after we spent more time in the pool. (He preferred the taste of the fresh water over the taste of the saltwater.) SPOILER: this next point is important: Needless to say, Aaron took to swimming like a fish takes to, well, water! (Awesome - another "consequence" to hold over his head if he misbehaves! Can you see where this is going?)
Apparently, OSHA has been put out of business in Jamaica! Every building seemed to be comprised of stairs that had no barrier or hand rails or what have you - nor did many of the roofs. Many a curious teen had taken a stroll up to the very top of the hotel roof to get a gander of the incredible Ocean view! It was truly amazing and I was only mad at myself for not thinking of doing this until AFTER these folks got caught and there was a general announcement about staying off the roof. (At least they could plead ignorance - I had no such luxury; well, at least for this situation!)
After leaving Aaron in the capable hands of some leaders who specifically told him, "Don't go on the roof," which he apparently took as a, "Feel free to wander around on the roof" invitation, I had to leave to a different work site. Needless to say, I was none to happy when I heard of what had happened! As a natural consequence after investigating the crime, I told Aaron that he would not be allowed to go in the pool that evening. You would have thought I told him that we were about to rip his toenails off one by one and dip his feet in alcohol! He was ready to fight! He barreled out his chest, clinched his fists and declared, "I'm going to the airport!" How he was going to get there and what he would do when and if he got there was not part of his cognitive planning yet as he stormed out of the hotel toward the gate. I hollered after him, "Look buddy, if you go outside of those gates, you will also be grounded from swimming tomorrow as well. This was enough to give him pause... but only for a second or two. He really must have thought he would be able to board an International flight without any adult supervision for he went out of the gate and promptly turned to the right! The problem is that the airport... was to the left! You would think he would have noticed this as he took his stroll on the roof and the airport is very prominent from that position.
Like a trapped
Youth Justice Advocate Ministry
I was wondering today; it seems that there is very little "mission" approach in the world of juvenile justice. What if, some brave souls and supporters, were to see the Juvenile Justice System as an opportunity to share the Gospel with hurting children? For instance, what if a Christian was supported as a missionary to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate for children. For most CASA workers, they are volunteers. What if a "missionary" became a volunteer for CASA but was supported by the Body of Believers to allow this ministry to happen? Would this be another way to help an overworked DFACS system? Would it give a voice for children, but most importantly, give a voice for Jesus when young people needed it the most?
I was just wondering. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
I was just wondering. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Friday, July 20, 2012
Benefits to sin and suffering
Okay, it would seem really odd for a Pastor to say that there are actually benefits to sin and suffering, so I will start with the most unusual one first: the benefits of sin!
No, I do not mean that there are benefits to sin in the sense of we get to live sensually and any way we want in a hedonistic way that fulfills all our fantasy's or selfish desires. Truth be known, that lifestyle has some serious short and long-term consequences to it no matter what it's advocates might say. What I mean is that there actually are some benefit to our sinful nature, but those benefits only come to those who "get it".
The first benefit to a sinful nature is what happens when we recognize our sinful nature. For those of us who recognize, not only our own brokenness, but the brokenness of the world, we begin to see reality for what it really is. We also begin to see things that point to the fact that we all need a little bit of humility. We begin to see that we are all broken, messed up and in need of something that saves us from our brokenness that is WAY bigger than we are. For those of us who gain that recognition, we also begin to see just how much grace we need to display toward others. After all, when I recognize just how broken I am, I can have a little bit more compassion on someone else - no matter if they recognize their brokenness or not.
I also recognize that my sinful nature is very difficult to overcome on my own. It makes me recognize that I have a difficult time enough "changing myself" so how in the world can I begin to assume that I can change someone else? When I recognize my need for grace, and even more importantly, my need to be an extender and host of grace, I invite myself into a community that not only offers love and grace, I enter a community that offers loving accountability.
If I fail to see my sinful nature, I put myself above others thinking that I am "better than them". Isn't that what most people do anyway? We make statements like, "Oh well, at least I am not as bad as so-and-so." Jesus addressed this when he talked about the self-righteous Pharisee and the sinner tax collector in Luke 18:9-14.
The benefit of recognizing my sinful nature is that it stresses my need to be in a loving community - something that seems to have taken a back seat in our narcissistic and individualistic culture. A lack of recognition of our own brokenness instills in us a sense of "I am right, and you are wrong." It further believes, "I am above accountability" and it patronizes others because a person who lacks humility sees themselves above reproach.
When I recognize the benefit of my sinful nature, it makes me realize that I am called to live in community with others and Jesus. After all, this fulfills the Greatest Command: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and the second is just like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."
As to the benefits of suffering, there are actually quite a few. First, if we never suffered, we would not be able to have empathy with the other 100% of humanity. It is our suffering that, once again, invites us into community. No one on this earth is immune to suffering. The sufferings might be different and those unique sufferings allow us to be in ministry to others who have suffered similar fates. Who better to minister to a physically abused child than someone who suffered abuse as a child and overcame? Who better to minister to a family who has lost a child than another family who has lost a child and yet overcame? Suffering connects us to each other and, more importantly, our suffering connects us to God who suffered greatest and longest first. From the first rebelliousness displayed by Satan to the rebelliousness of his first (and all subsequent) children to the very crucifixion of Jesus, the Son, God intimately knows suffering far beyond what any human being has ever known.
Simply put, God is in the suffering.
Another benefit to suffering is that it makes us long for something far better. Most every human being understands that there must be something "more to this life" than what we are experiencing. Suffering solidifies that thought. Suffering makes us realize that we are living in an outhouse when there is a palace waiting for us. If we already lived in the palace, we probably would be too content to want to move on. To live forever in our broken state would be a travesty to both God and ourselves. We must recognize that death is nothing more than the doorway to eternity and for those who have their hope in Jesus Christ, that doorway does not seem so daunting.
Isaiah 57:1 states, "The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil." This answers the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people." In the words of Billy Joel, "Only the good die young!"
So, there you have it. There seems to be actual benefits to sin and suffering!
No, I do not mean that there are benefits to sin in the sense of we get to live sensually and any way we want in a hedonistic way that fulfills all our fantasy's or selfish desires. Truth be known, that lifestyle has some serious short and long-term consequences to it no matter what it's advocates might say. What I mean is that there actually are some benefit to our sinful nature, but those benefits only come to those who "get it".
The first benefit to a sinful nature is what happens when we recognize our sinful nature. For those of us who recognize, not only our own brokenness, but the brokenness of the world, we begin to see reality for what it really is. We also begin to see things that point to the fact that we all need a little bit of humility. We begin to see that we are all broken, messed up and in need of something that saves us from our brokenness that is WAY bigger than we are. For those of us who gain that recognition, we also begin to see just how much grace we need to display toward others. After all, when I recognize just how broken I am, I can have a little bit more compassion on someone else - no matter if they recognize their brokenness or not.
I also recognize that my sinful nature is very difficult to overcome on my own. It makes me recognize that I have a difficult time enough "changing myself" so how in the world can I begin to assume that I can change someone else? When I recognize my need for grace, and even more importantly, my need to be an extender and host of grace, I invite myself into a community that not only offers love and grace, I enter a community that offers loving accountability.
If I fail to see my sinful nature, I put myself above others thinking that I am "better than them". Isn't that what most people do anyway? We make statements like, "Oh well, at least I am not as bad as so-and-so." Jesus addressed this when he talked about the self-righteous Pharisee and the sinner tax collector in Luke 18:9-14.
The benefit of recognizing my sinful nature is that it stresses my need to be in a loving community - something that seems to have taken a back seat in our narcissistic and individualistic culture. A lack of recognition of our own brokenness instills in us a sense of "I am right, and you are wrong." It further believes, "I am above accountability" and it patronizes others because a person who lacks humility sees themselves above reproach.
When I recognize the benefit of my sinful nature, it makes me realize that I am called to live in community with others and Jesus. After all, this fulfills the Greatest Command: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and the second is just like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."
As to the benefits of suffering, there are actually quite a few. First, if we never suffered, we would not be able to have empathy with the other 100% of humanity. It is our suffering that, once again, invites us into community. No one on this earth is immune to suffering. The sufferings might be different and those unique sufferings allow us to be in ministry to others who have suffered similar fates. Who better to minister to a physically abused child than someone who suffered abuse as a child and overcame? Who better to minister to a family who has lost a child than another family who has lost a child and yet overcame? Suffering connects us to each other and, more importantly, our suffering connects us to God who suffered greatest and longest first. From the first rebelliousness displayed by Satan to the rebelliousness of his first (and all subsequent) children to the very crucifixion of Jesus, the Son, God intimately knows suffering far beyond what any human being has ever known.
Simply put, God is in the suffering.
Another benefit to suffering is that it makes us long for something far better. Most every human being understands that there must be something "more to this life" than what we are experiencing. Suffering solidifies that thought. Suffering makes us realize that we are living in an outhouse when there is a palace waiting for us. If we already lived in the palace, we probably would be too content to want to move on. To live forever in our broken state would be a travesty to both God and ourselves. We must recognize that death is nothing more than the doorway to eternity and for those who have their hope in Jesus Christ, that doorway does not seem so daunting.
Isaiah 57:1 states, "The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil." This answers the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people." In the words of Billy Joel, "Only the good die young!"
So, there you have it. There seems to be actual benefits to sin and suffering!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Adolescence and Fantasy
I am not sure what it is about the beginning blooming of adolescence that causes a child to break out of adorable childlike play to adolescent fantasy all parents come to know as lying, but lying seems to be an inevitable part of becoming a teen. It seems around the age of 12, children begin to lie to such an art form that Micaealngelo would think his awe-inspiring Sistine Chapel paintings to be nothing more then refrigerator art. Maybe lying is the transition from play fantasy to developing higher thinking skills for the thinking skills needed for some of the yarn early adolescents spin is quite exceptional. There is lots of quick and visible development that occurs from the years of 11 to 15. Here is another way I describe the development of Middle School students socially that can be seen in the way of school dances, many of which I have chaperoned.
In 6th grade, these children still tend to be in what I call "cartoon land" for they still enjoy shows like "Sponge Bob, Square Pants", but heaven forbid anyone finds this out. For a 6th grader, a dance should truly be called a "chase". Why? For the simple reason that this is what the 6th grade boys tend to do; they chase each other around showing off their athletic prowess or lack thereof. These boys will chase each other and occasionally chase a girl. This, I believe, is actually preparing the boy for more of an allegorical chase of the fairer sex when they are both older. For the chaperone of a 6th grade dance, the thing to most guard against is children colliding into each other and constantly saying, "Slow down!"
In 7th grade, a dance should be called a "stand". It is at this point that most middle school students seem to be the most awkward. For the most part, girls have become a bit more mature than the boys and since the girls are not interested in the physical chase anymore. The girls will huddle up in their packs as will the boys. The conversation in the packs however is quite different. For girls, their pack will be conversing about which boy should go out with whom and which boy is the cutest. There will also be conversations about starting to wear make up and such. For the boys however, they are still talking about sports and such clueless that the female packs around them are already planning out which wedding dress they would buy for their wedding. For the 7th grade dance, the most important job of the chaperone is to make sure the DJ does not put on any inappropriate or disturbing behavior. This is the one year, and only one year, where chaperoning is actually quite peaceful and enjoyable.
Something both wonderful and disturbing happens in 8th grade; the "dance" now becomes a "get your hand off of her bottom" event. This is where chaperones are most appreciated by fathers of daughters. It is here where the chaperone must resurrect the words, "Slow down," but for different reasons.
While I have digressed a little off of the subject of lying, it was important to set the stage so that the reader understood the developmental difference that even a year can make in the lives of early adolescence and the parents who are about to lose their sanity for the next 10 years or so.
At the age of 12, children begin to learn the art of crafting lies. I have not fully developed a fool-proof strategy, but I am working on it. My last strategy was to fill the house with the aroma of brownies. I cannot begin to even recall what this thousandth lie was that my son told; all I recall is that I was desperate to try something before the boys nose grew to ungodly proportions. So, brownies it was. Of course, I used one of my friends to propagate my plot.
At the time, we owned a dog for about 3 months. By the way, for parents adopting an older child, NEVER get a puppy as it is difficult enough to deal with the crap coming from both dog and child. It is incredibly stressful, but in this case, I decided to use the crap I was getting from both dog and child to teach a point. After smelling up the home with the aroma of wonderful, warm and gooey brownies, I called my son down to the dining room to enjoy some father/son time over the brownies. Here is how our conversation went:
Me: I know you like brownies, so I made up a very special batch where I have learned how to make the best brownies ever. Our friend LJ (my apologies for bringing you into this plot LJ) gave me this recipe and there is a secret ingredient I thought I would try it as we both know what a wonderful cook LJ is. I would like your opinion on the brownies and let me know whether I made them right or not.
Son: They smell really good.
Me: I am glad they smell good, maybe I did them right. Let me know what you think.
(At this point, the boy picks up the brownie and smells it savoring the chocolate aroma. Just as he starts to take a bite, I say, "Wait!")
Me: "Wait!" (Startled look on boys face. My face was just as startled for he actually listened and waited!) Would you like to know the secret ingredient BEFORE you take a bite?
Son: (Going from looking startled to skeptical.) Sure, I guess..."
At this point, I produce a doubled baggie containing some of our former dog's crap. (Look on boys face now goes from startled, to skeptical to disgusted.)
Son: (Fearing the worst.) What is that?
Me: What does it look like?
Son: (Not wanting fears confirmed.) It looks like Jackson's (former dog's name) poop!
Me: You are very perceptive! Yes, it is Jackson's poop and LJ swore that it is dog poop that makes the brownie richer in texture, moisture and taste.
Boy drops brownie and pushes it away with a look of horror!
Me: (Loving the reaction!) What's wrong?
Son: You didn't really put poop in the brownies, did you? (Note that the boy had only been with me for about 5 months and he was discovering that most Youth Pastors are a bit unstable and his behaviors have pushed the instability. He realized that I am capable of most anything beyond the realm of normal behaviors.)
Me: Well, yes, of course! That is the secret ingredient LJ swears by!
Son: I'm not eating that!
Me: Aw, come on! I didn't use that much poop, just a little bit!
Son: No way, I'm not eating it!
Me: Why?
Son: It has poop in it! (He displays brilliance in the obvious!)
Me: It was only a little bit of poop! I don't understand the problem. (His look is now dumbfounded.) You see son, it does not matter if it is a whole lot of poop or just a little bit of poop; nobody wants to eat the brownie that has poop in it. This is what it is like when you lie. Whether it is a big obvious lie or a small deceptive lie, nobody wants to eat the poop! Do you understand? (At the time, it seemed the boy got the lesson, but alas, he has gone back to the canvas to craft more masterpieces in the art form of lying!)
He is making the transition from fantasy world to the world of reality but he has a hard time leaving the fantasies back in his childhood years. He is learning what is true and what is not and sometimes the fantasies are a bit hard to leave behind.
I think my next approach will be Bill Cosby's approach wherein he "takes his son to the barn" for a bit of physical encouragement. After a set number of swats to the behind, the child understands the ramifications of intervention discipline on the part of the father. On the way out, Cosby gives his child one more than agreed upon last good swat on the behind. Cosby Junior looks at Cosby Senior with a look of betrayal as Cosby Senior says, "I lied about the number of swats. How does it feel to be lied to?"
Now that is a quick way to clear up any delusional fantasies brought with the adolescent from his childhood!
In 6th grade, these children still tend to be in what I call "cartoon land" for they still enjoy shows like "Sponge Bob, Square Pants", but heaven forbid anyone finds this out. For a 6th grader, a dance should truly be called a "chase". Why? For the simple reason that this is what the 6th grade boys tend to do; they chase each other around showing off their athletic prowess or lack thereof. These boys will chase each other and occasionally chase a girl. This, I believe, is actually preparing the boy for more of an allegorical chase of the fairer sex when they are both older. For the chaperone of a 6th grade dance, the thing to most guard against is children colliding into each other and constantly saying, "Slow down!"
In 7th grade, a dance should be called a "stand". It is at this point that most middle school students seem to be the most awkward. For the most part, girls have become a bit more mature than the boys and since the girls are not interested in the physical chase anymore. The girls will huddle up in their packs as will the boys. The conversation in the packs however is quite different. For girls, their pack will be conversing about which boy should go out with whom and which boy is the cutest. There will also be conversations about starting to wear make up and such. For the boys however, they are still talking about sports and such clueless that the female packs around them are already planning out which wedding dress they would buy for their wedding. For the 7th grade dance, the most important job of the chaperone is to make sure the DJ does not put on any inappropriate or disturbing behavior. This is the one year, and only one year, where chaperoning is actually quite peaceful and enjoyable.
Something both wonderful and disturbing happens in 8th grade; the "dance" now becomes a "get your hand off of her bottom" event. This is where chaperones are most appreciated by fathers of daughters. It is here where the chaperone must resurrect the words, "Slow down," but for different reasons.
While I have digressed a little off of the subject of lying, it was important to set the stage so that the reader understood the developmental difference that even a year can make in the lives of early adolescence and the parents who are about to lose their sanity for the next 10 years or so.
At the age of 12, children begin to learn the art of crafting lies. I have not fully developed a fool-proof strategy, but I am working on it. My last strategy was to fill the house with the aroma of brownies. I cannot begin to even recall what this thousandth lie was that my son told; all I recall is that I was desperate to try something before the boys nose grew to ungodly proportions. So, brownies it was. Of course, I used one of my friends to propagate my plot.
At the time, we owned a dog for about 3 months. By the way, for parents adopting an older child, NEVER get a puppy as it is difficult enough to deal with the crap coming from both dog and child. It is incredibly stressful, but in this case, I decided to use the crap I was getting from both dog and child to teach a point. After smelling up the home with the aroma of wonderful, warm and gooey brownies, I called my son down to the dining room to enjoy some father/son time over the brownies. Here is how our conversation went:
Me: I know you like brownies, so I made up a very special batch where I have learned how to make the best brownies ever. Our friend LJ (my apologies for bringing you into this plot LJ) gave me this recipe and there is a secret ingredient I thought I would try it as we both know what a wonderful cook LJ is. I would like your opinion on the brownies and let me know whether I made them right or not.
Son: They smell really good.
Me: I am glad they smell good, maybe I did them right. Let me know what you think.
(At this point, the boy picks up the brownie and smells it savoring the chocolate aroma. Just as he starts to take a bite, I say, "Wait!")
Me: "Wait!" (Startled look on boys face. My face was just as startled for he actually listened and waited!) Would you like to know the secret ingredient BEFORE you take a bite?
Son: (Going from looking startled to skeptical.) Sure, I guess..."
At this point, I produce a doubled baggie containing some of our former dog's crap. (Look on boys face now goes from startled, to skeptical to disgusted.)
Son: (Fearing the worst.) What is that?
Me: What does it look like?
Son: (Not wanting fears confirmed.) It looks like Jackson's (former dog's name) poop!
Me: You are very perceptive! Yes, it is Jackson's poop and LJ swore that it is dog poop that makes the brownie richer in texture, moisture and taste.
Boy drops brownie and pushes it away with a look of horror!
Me: (Loving the reaction!) What's wrong?
Son: You didn't really put poop in the brownies, did you? (Note that the boy had only been with me for about 5 months and he was discovering that most Youth Pastors are a bit unstable and his behaviors have pushed the instability. He realized that I am capable of most anything beyond the realm of normal behaviors.)
Me: Well, yes, of course! That is the secret ingredient LJ swears by!
Son: I'm not eating that!
Me: Aw, come on! I didn't use that much poop, just a little bit!
Son: No way, I'm not eating it!
Me: Why?
Son: It has poop in it! (He displays brilliance in the obvious!)
Me: It was only a little bit of poop! I don't understand the problem. (His look is now dumbfounded.) You see son, it does not matter if it is a whole lot of poop or just a little bit of poop; nobody wants to eat the brownie that has poop in it. This is what it is like when you lie. Whether it is a big obvious lie or a small deceptive lie, nobody wants to eat the poop! Do you understand? (At the time, it seemed the boy got the lesson, but alas, he has gone back to the canvas to craft more masterpieces in the art form of lying!)
He is making the transition from fantasy world to the world of reality but he has a hard time leaving the fantasies back in his childhood years. He is learning what is true and what is not and sometimes the fantasies are a bit hard to leave behind.
I think my next approach will be Bill Cosby's approach wherein he "takes his son to the barn" for a bit of physical encouragement. After a set number of swats to the behind, the child understands the ramifications of intervention discipline on the part of the father. On the way out, Cosby gives his child one more than agreed upon last good swat on the behind. Cosby Junior looks at Cosby Senior with a look of betrayal as Cosby Senior says, "I lied about the number of swats. How does it feel to be lied to?"
Now that is a quick way to clear up any delusional fantasies brought with the adolescent from his childhood!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Logical Children
I always considered myself to be a fairly intelligent individual capable of using logic and reason to solve problems. Then I had a child; a pre-teen to be exact. The problem with parenting today is listening to all the so-called "experts". You see, the "experts" tell you to reason with and use logic on the child. The problem is that is like putting a square peg in a round hole. Children do not have reasoning abilities. The younger the child, the less reasoning and logic abilities they have.
Consider this proof: It is clear that the child has eaten the chocolate cake. The child has not bothered to get a plate, cut a nice even piece off of the cake and place it on the plate. You would have been impressed with this and maybe even, in your pleasure, have let go of the fact that your child ate the chocolate cake at 6:30 in the morning. Instead, the child simply bit into the entire cake coating his or her face with a ring of chocolate icing encompassing his or her face. At this point, adult logic has broken down as well for the adult. Adults ask a dumb question: "Did you eat some of the chocolate cake?" Forget the fact that the child's facial imprint is in the cake! What will the child say? "No!" Why do we even bother to ask the child? After a twenty-minute debate with the child in which you show clear and logical evidence as to how you know the child ate the chocolate cake, your child is still not convinced by the logic. You literally have to take the child to the bathroom mirror and allow himself to see the chocolate on his face. Children live in a fantasy land, where, their plausible answer is that the chocolate ferry must have put the chocolate on their face.
Older children will make you judge your sanity. They are in between the fantasy world where outlandish explanations make sense to them and the world of reality. This makes their fantasy explanations seem more plausible to you. It is at this point where you begin to question your sanity. The problem is you are getting older too. Maybe it was you that left the lights on! All of my adult life I have never had a problem turning off the lights or flushing the toilet, but now, for whatever reason, I must be forgetting how to do those things. The child will emphatically and convincingly argue that he turned the lights off when he came downstairs. Since you really don't want to question your own sanity or abilities, the Georgia Power troll actually becomes believable. You see, Georgia Power has these invisible trolls that go around and, after you know you have turned the lights off, go and turn the lights back on so that Georgia Power can make more money. This is more plausible than you losing your own mind or that your child forgot how to flip a switch.
Like I mentioned, I consider myself a fairly intelligent persona and I would like for my child to "inherit" some of that intelligence. So, in an effort to ascribe some intelligence, I like for my child to think through answers. (This is my first mistake: Children have neither the ability to use logic nor the ability to think. Thinking implies logic.) For instance, you have woken your son up - for the fourth time this morning - and yet you still find your son asleep instead of getting ready for school. You see the child asleep. You are talking to the child, in a very loud and frustrated tone, and the child is not responding. Finally, the child stirs - and you ask a stupid question: "Where you asleep?" In your mind, it is a rhetorical question, but children do not have the ability to understand rhetoric. If you ask them about rhetoric, he thinks you are talking about an NBA basketball player, Rhetoric James. You know the answer to, "Where you asleep," and "Why aren't you getting ready for school?" One question answers the other: the child was not getting ready for school because he was asleep. That does not matter logically however because your child does not use logic.
"Where you asleep," is met by, "No."
You are baffled! "You weren't asleep? So what were you doing?"
The child still has not moved from the fetal position on the bed. "I was looking for my shoes!"
The child is obviously irritated at your logic!
"You were looking for your shoes," you inquire? Now, it does not matter that your child is still balled up in his underwear on the bed and has not managed to put a shirt or pair of pants on, but he is somehow looking for his shoes. "How are you looking for your shoe, undressed, balled up on your bed and with your eyes closed?" There! You have him! You can't argue with logic - or so you think!
"I was visualizing where I left my shoes," he insists!
It is at this point that you begin to question your sanity. Maybe he was visualizing. You realize that logic will not work with your child so you give up shaking your head and muttering under your breath. Again, what the "experts" fail to understand is that you cannot use logic where there is a void of it.
It is at this point that you realize you miss the days of the "I don't know..." answers.
"Why did you touch the stove when I told you don't touch the stove?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put these stickers on the television screen?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put that in the toilet?"
Everybody sing it with me now..., "I don't know."
You begin to realize that you miss the "I don't know," answers because you realize that children are incapable of using logic. They really do not know why they do half the things they do. They are exploring and learning new concepts like transfomers can transform a toilet into an upstairs water park when attempting to flush them down the toilet.
The problem is that pre-teens and teens become devious because they are now coming out of the fantasy world and beginning to use just enough logic to drive you crazy! Meditating and developing the skills of a Psychic now seem plausible to you.
After a long battle equivalent to the final Apocalypse, your child finally makes it downstairs for breakfast. Among all the things you had to do to get yourself ready AND wake up your child, you cook breakfast, for all the experts tell you decent nutrition will help your child do well in school. After slaving over the stove, your child informs you that he is not hungry. Any other time - usually when there is no food in the house - he would devour a cruise ships buffet worth of food! After coaxing him to brush his teeth in order to keep some friends at school, he finally emerges and you are ready to take him to school. You have been ready to go 10-minutes ago even after all you had to do to get ready. The only thing your child really had to do is to wake up and dress himself. You on the other hand must get your self clean, prepare lunch for the child and yourself, engage in hand-to-hand combat to wake your child, make breakfast, clean up the kitchen, set things out for dinner and check the daily schedule and yet, you are still done with 10-minutes to spare.
Finally, your child has his shirt on, gotten his school books and is wearing pants - most of the time - and you are ready to go.
"Let's go," you say reasonably. Of course, the response you get is:
"I can't find my shoes."
I truly believe that all the "experts" who implore us to use logic never had a teenager living in the home with them!
Consider this proof: It is clear that the child has eaten the chocolate cake. The child has not bothered to get a plate, cut a nice even piece off of the cake and place it on the plate. You would have been impressed with this and maybe even, in your pleasure, have let go of the fact that your child ate the chocolate cake at 6:30 in the morning. Instead, the child simply bit into the entire cake coating his or her face with a ring of chocolate icing encompassing his or her face. At this point, adult logic has broken down as well for the adult. Adults ask a dumb question: "Did you eat some of the chocolate cake?" Forget the fact that the child's facial imprint is in the cake! What will the child say? "No!" Why do we even bother to ask the child? After a twenty-minute debate with the child in which you show clear and logical evidence as to how you know the child ate the chocolate cake, your child is still not convinced by the logic. You literally have to take the child to the bathroom mirror and allow himself to see the chocolate on his face. Children live in a fantasy land, where, their plausible answer is that the chocolate ferry must have put the chocolate on their face.
Older children will make you judge your sanity. They are in between the fantasy world where outlandish explanations make sense to them and the world of reality. This makes their fantasy explanations seem more plausible to you. It is at this point where you begin to question your sanity. The problem is you are getting older too. Maybe it was you that left the lights on! All of my adult life I have never had a problem turning off the lights or flushing the toilet, but now, for whatever reason, I must be forgetting how to do those things. The child will emphatically and convincingly argue that he turned the lights off when he came downstairs. Since you really don't want to question your own sanity or abilities, the Georgia Power troll actually becomes believable. You see, Georgia Power has these invisible trolls that go around and, after you know you have turned the lights off, go and turn the lights back on so that Georgia Power can make more money. This is more plausible than you losing your own mind or that your child forgot how to flip a switch.
Like I mentioned, I consider myself a fairly intelligent persona and I would like for my child to "inherit" some of that intelligence. So, in an effort to ascribe some intelligence, I like for my child to think through answers. (This is my first mistake: Children have neither the ability to use logic nor the ability to think. Thinking implies logic.) For instance, you have woken your son up - for the fourth time this morning - and yet you still find your son asleep instead of getting ready for school. You see the child asleep. You are talking to the child, in a very loud and frustrated tone, and the child is not responding. Finally, the child stirs - and you ask a stupid question: "Where you asleep?" In your mind, it is a rhetorical question, but children do not have the ability to understand rhetoric. If you ask them about rhetoric, he thinks you are talking about an NBA basketball player, Rhetoric James. You know the answer to, "Where you asleep," and "Why aren't you getting ready for school?" One question answers the other: the child was not getting ready for school because he was asleep. That does not matter logically however because your child does not use logic.
"Where you asleep," is met by, "No."
You are baffled! "You weren't asleep? So what were you doing?"
The child still has not moved from the fetal position on the bed. "I was looking for my shoes!"
The child is obviously irritated at your logic!
"You were looking for your shoes," you inquire? Now, it does not matter that your child is still balled up in his underwear on the bed and has not managed to put a shirt or pair of pants on, but he is somehow looking for his shoes. "How are you looking for your shoe, undressed, balled up on your bed and with your eyes closed?" There! You have him! You can't argue with logic - or so you think!
"I was visualizing where I left my shoes," he insists!
It is at this point that you begin to question your sanity. Maybe he was visualizing. You realize that logic will not work with your child so you give up shaking your head and muttering under your breath. Again, what the "experts" fail to understand is that you cannot use logic where there is a void of it.
It is at this point that you realize you miss the days of the "I don't know..." answers.
"Why did you touch the stove when I told you don't touch the stove?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put these stickers on the television screen?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put that in the toilet?"
Everybody sing it with me now..., "I don't know."
You begin to realize that you miss the "I don't know," answers because you realize that children are incapable of using logic. They really do not know why they do half the things they do. They are exploring and learning new concepts like transfomers can transform a toilet into an upstairs water park when attempting to flush them down the toilet.
The problem is that pre-teens and teens become devious because they are now coming out of the fantasy world and beginning to use just enough logic to drive you crazy! Meditating and developing the skills of a Psychic now seem plausible to you.
After a long battle equivalent to the final Apocalypse, your child finally makes it downstairs for breakfast. Among all the things you had to do to get yourself ready AND wake up your child, you cook breakfast, for all the experts tell you decent nutrition will help your child do well in school. After slaving over the stove, your child informs you that he is not hungry. Any other time - usually when there is no food in the house - he would devour a cruise ships buffet worth of food! After coaxing him to brush his teeth in order to keep some friends at school, he finally emerges and you are ready to take him to school. You have been ready to go 10-minutes ago even after all you had to do to get ready. The only thing your child really had to do is to wake up and dress himself. You on the other hand must get your self clean, prepare lunch for the child and yourself, engage in hand-to-hand combat to wake your child, make breakfast, clean up the kitchen, set things out for dinner and check the daily schedule and yet, you are still done with 10-minutes to spare.
Finally, your child has his shirt on, gotten his school books and is wearing pants - most of the time - and you are ready to go.
"Let's go," you say reasonably. Of course, the response you get is:
"I can't find my shoes."
I truly believe that all the "experts" who implore us to use logic never had a teenager living in the home with them!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Connected Parents (This Means You Dad!)
I am not trying to brag here, so please bear with me and you will see why I make the following statements. I served in the U.S. Army doing force protection where I was in the first American Unit to go through the French Commando training. I have worked for and consulted with the Department of Defense and the US Army working with military dependents in Europe. I am a published author, contributor to the Teen Devotional Bible, and have run several large youth ministries. I have gotten my undergraduate degree in Special Education, my Masters in Theology and am working on a Doctorate in Youth, Family and Culture. I have worked with lots of troubled kids, was part of pioneering ministry to early adolescents through an international ministry and have been a consultant and speaker. I hold two different black belts, a third degree in Isshin-Ryu Karate, a second degree black belt in Americanized Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Jui-Jitsu. I have been a Lifeguard and Lifeguard Instructor. I have done a lot in my life and yet NONE of the accomplishments above have been as difficult or as challenging as being a “connected” dad!
Six-months ago, I started the journey to adoption after fighting against that call to adopt. These first six-months have been enlightening, challenging, frustrating, joyful, tearful, and all together life-changing. I have to say though, I would never have been able to become a connected dad if it were not for my “support systems”. These support systems include family, friends, my church and professionals such as counselors and therapists. Frankly, the boy I adopted came from a past full of traumatic and very painful hurts. Despite this, Aaron has become very resilient and capable of overcoming the challenges from his past. He made the “Merit Roll” for the first time ever. I suspect he will continue to do well in school because he has the same support system I have – friends, family, church and professionals. I have a newfound respect for single parents – especially single moms who have more than one child.
I don’t know what it is about our human nature that causes us to act contrary to what we know deep down is the right thing to do. For those of us who have a faith, it would seem contrary to stay disconnected from a church because that would seem to indicate that our faith is irrelevant to our every day lives. For whatever reason – maybe too many Sundays away – we become complacent at best, or lazy at worst and we stay away. This then becomes a habit. We say we are believers but those “beliefs” never really impact our lives. Unfortunately, this seems to be happening with our parenting. We say we love our children, but then things happen. They get older, we get a divorce, work seems to take too much time, and before you know it, we are just as disconnected from our kids as we are our church. Then we wonder why our relationship with our kids becomes as irrelevant as our faith and relationship with our church.
The surrendering is subtle and un-noticed. It all starts by our surrendering our children to the “professionals”. Professionals to teach my child (schools and teachers), a professional to coach my child (coaches), a professional to spiritually train my child (Pastor, Priest or Rabbi), a professional to listen to my child (counselor/therapist), professionals to develop character in my child (Scouts or other civic organizations), etc. There are many more professionals we surrender our children to. You get the idea. I was actually told recently by a professional who I relied on to be the professional that I, as a parent, was the best professional for my child. That stunned me because I thought she was the professional and I relied on her to guide me in the “right directions”. The problem is, and she is right, I probably have relied on her too much to be a professional when in reality, she has no idea what truly goes on day-in and day-out in my home. Guess what? None of the “professionals” knows what goes on in your home day-in and day-out either! It is time to once again become “professional” parents in our culture once again. At the end of the day, professionals can make suggestions and do their thing, but ultimately parents have to be the ones to live with the results.
Don’t let anyone fool you – being a connected dad (or parent) is hard work, but when we keep the long-term development of our relationship with our children in mind, it is worth so much more than money, black belts, education or accolades! I may have been a professional in so many of the areas above, but the one place I want to excel the most in is in the area of being a “professional dad”. Who will join me?
Connected Parents (This Means You Dad!)
I am not trying to brag here, so please bear with me and you will see why I make the following statements. I served in the U.S. Army doing force protection where I was in the first American Unit to go through the French Commando training. I have worked for and consulted with the Department of Defense and the US Army working with military dependents in Europe. I am a published author, contributor to the Teen Devotional Bible, and have run several large youth ministries. I have gotten my undergraduate degree in Special Education, my Masters in Theology and am working on a Doctorate in Youth, Family and Culture. I have worked with lots of troubled kids, was part of pioneering ministry to early adolescents through an international ministry and have been a consultant and speaker. I hold two different black belts, a third degree in Isshin-Ryu Karate, a second degree black belt in Americanized Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Jui-Jitsu. I have been a Lifeguard and Lifeguard Instructor. I have done a lot in my life and yet NONE of the accomplishments above have been as difficult or as challenging as being a “connected” dad!
Six-months ago, I started the journey to adoption after fighting against that call to adopt. These first six-months have been enlightening, challenging, frustrating, joyful, tearful, and all together life-changing. I have to say though, I would never have been able to become a connected dad if it were not for my “support systems”. These support systems include family, friends, my church and professionals such as counselors and therapists. Frankly, the boy I adopted came from a past full of traumatic and very painful hurts. Despite this, Aaron has become very resilient and capable of overcoming the challenges from his past. He made the “Merit Roll” for the first time ever. I suspect he will continue to do well in school because he has the same support system I have – friends, family, church and professionals. I have a newfound respect for single parents – especially single moms who have more than one child.
I don’t know what it is about our human nature that causes us to act contrary to what we know deep down is the right thing to do. For those of us who have a faith, it would seem contrary to stay disconnected from a church because that would seem to indicate that our faith is irrelevant to our every day lives. For whatever reason – maybe too many Sundays away – we become complacent at best, or lazy at worst and we stay away. This then becomes a habit. We say we are believers but those “beliefs” never really impact our lives. Unfortunately, this seems to be happening with our parenting. We say we love our children, but then things happen. They get older, we get a divorce, work seems to take too much time, and before you know it, we are just as disconnected from our kids as we are our church. Then we wonder why our relationship with our kids becomes as irrelevant as our faith and relationship with our church.
The surrendering is subtle and un-noticed. It all starts by our surrendering our children to the “professionals”. Professionals to teach my child (schools and teachers), a professional to coach my child (coaches), a professional to spiritually train my child (Pastor, Priest or Rabbi), a professional to listen to my child (counselor/therapist), professionals to develop character in my child (Scouts or other civic organizations), etc. There are many more professionals we surrender our children to. You get the idea. I was actually told recently by a professional who I relied on to be the professional that I, as a parent, was the best professional for my child. That stunned me because I thought she was the professional and I relied on her to guide me in the “right directions”. The problem is, and she is right, I probably have relied on her too much to be a professional when in reality, she has no idea what truly goes on day-in and day-out in my home. Guess what? None of the “professionals” knows what goes on in your home day-in and day-out either! It is time to once again become “professional” parents in our culture once again. At the end of the day, professionals can make suggestions and do their thing, but ultimately parents have to be the ones to live with the results.
Don’t let anyone fool you – being a connected dad (or parent) is hard work, but when we keep the long-term development of our relationship with our children in mind, it is worth so much more than money, black belts, education or accolades! I may have been a professional in so many of the areas above, but the one place I want to excel the most in is in the area of being a “professional dad”. Who will join me?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)