I am not sure what it is about the beginning blooming of adolescence that causes a child to break out of adorable childlike play to adolescent fantasy all parents come to know as lying, but lying seems to be an inevitable part of becoming a teen. It seems around the age of 12, children begin to lie to such an art form that Micaealngelo would think his awe-inspiring Sistine Chapel paintings to be nothing more then refrigerator art. Maybe lying is the transition from play fantasy to developing higher thinking skills for the thinking skills needed for some of the yarn early adolescents spin is quite exceptional. There is lots of quick and visible development that occurs from the years of 11 to 15. Here is another way I describe the development of Middle School students socially that can be seen in the way of school dances, many of which I have chaperoned.
In 6th grade, these children still tend to be in what I call "cartoon land" for they still enjoy shows like "Sponge Bob, Square Pants", but heaven forbid anyone finds this out. For a 6th grader, a dance should truly be called a "chase". Why? For the simple reason that this is what the 6th grade boys tend to do; they chase each other around showing off their athletic prowess or lack thereof. These boys will chase each other and occasionally chase a girl. This, I believe, is actually preparing the boy for more of an allegorical chase of the fairer sex when they are both older. For the chaperone of a 6th grade dance, the thing to most guard against is children colliding into each other and constantly saying, "Slow down!"
In 7th grade, a dance should be called a "stand". It is at this point that most middle school students seem to be the most awkward. For the most part, girls have become a bit more mature than the boys and since the girls are not interested in the physical chase anymore. The girls will huddle up in their packs as will the boys. The conversation in the packs however is quite different. For girls, their pack will be conversing about which boy should go out with whom and which boy is the cutest. There will also be conversations about starting to wear make up and such. For the boys however, they are still talking about sports and such clueless that the female packs around them are already planning out which wedding dress they would buy for their wedding. For the 7th grade dance, the most important job of the chaperone is to make sure the DJ does not put on any inappropriate or disturbing behavior. This is the one year, and only one year, where chaperoning is actually quite peaceful and enjoyable.
Something both wonderful and disturbing happens in 8th grade; the "dance" now becomes a "get your hand off of her bottom" event. This is where chaperones are most appreciated by fathers of daughters. It is here where the chaperone must resurrect the words, "Slow down," but for different reasons.
While I have digressed a little off of the subject of lying, it was important to set the stage so that the reader understood the developmental difference that even a year can make in the lives of early adolescence and the parents who are about to lose their sanity for the next 10 years or so.
At the age of 12, children begin to learn the art of crafting lies. I have not fully developed a fool-proof strategy, but I am working on it. My last strategy was to fill the house with the aroma of brownies. I cannot begin to even recall what this thousandth lie was that my son told; all I recall is that I was desperate to try something before the boys nose grew to ungodly proportions. So, brownies it was. Of course, I used one of my friends to propagate my plot.
At the time, we owned a dog for about 3 months. By the way, for parents adopting an older child, NEVER get a puppy as it is difficult enough to deal with the crap coming from both dog and child. It is incredibly stressful, but in this case, I decided to use the crap I was getting from both dog and child to teach a point. After smelling up the home with the aroma of wonderful, warm and gooey brownies, I called my son down to the dining room to enjoy some father/son time over the brownies. Here is how our conversation went:
Me: I know you like brownies, so I made up a very special batch where I have learned how to make the best brownies ever. Our friend LJ (my apologies for bringing you into this plot LJ) gave me this recipe and there is a secret ingredient I thought I would try it as we both know what a wonderful cook LJ is. I would like your opinion on the brownies and let me know whether I made them right or not.
Son: They smell really good.
Me: I am glad they smell good, maybe I did them right. Let me know what you think.
(At this point, the boy picks up the brownie and smells it savoring the chocolate aroma. Just as he starts to take a bite, I say, "Wait!")
Me: "Wait!" (Startled look on boys face. My face was just as startled for he actually listened and waited!) Would you like to know the secret ingredient BEFORE you take a bite?
Son: (Going from looking startled to skeptical.) Sure, I guess..."
At this point, I produce a doubled baggie containing some of our former dog's crap. (Look on boys face now goes from startled, to skeptical to disgusted.)
Son: (Fearing the worst.) What is that?
Me: What does it look like?
Son: (Not wanting fears confirmed.) It looks like Jackson's (former dog's name) poop!
Me: You are very perceptive! Yes, it is Jackson's poop and LJ swore that it is dog poop that makes the brownie richer in texture, moisture and taste.
Boy drops brownie and pushes it away with a look of horror!
Me: (Loving the reaction!) What's wrong?
Son: You didn't really put poop in the brownies, did you? (Note that the boy had only been with me for about 5 months and he was discovering that most Youth Pastors are a bit unstable and his behaviors have pushed the instability. He realized that I am capable of most anything beyond the realm of normal behaviors.)
Me: Well, yes, of course! That is the secret ingredient LJ swears by!
Son: I'm not eating that!
Me: Aw, come on! I didn't use that much poop, just a little bit!
Son: No way, I'm not eating it!
Me: Why?
Son: It has poop in it! (He displays brilliance in the obvious!)
Me: It was only a little bit of poop! I don't understand the problem. (His look is now dumbfounded.) You see son, it does not matter if it is a whole lot of poop or just a little bit of poop; nobody wants to eat the brownie that has poop in it. This is what it is like when you lie. Whether it is a big obvious lie or a small deceptive lie, nobody wants to eat the poop! Do you understand? (At the time, it seemed the boy got the lesson, but alas, he has gone back to the canvas to craft more masterpieces in the art form of lying!)
He is making the transition from fantasy world to the world of reality but he has a hard time leaving the fantasies back in his childhood years. He is learning what is true and what is not and sometimes the fantasies are a bit hard to leave behind.
I think my next approach will be Bill Cosby's approach wherein he "takes his son to the barn" for a bit of physical encouragement. After a set number of swats to the behind, the child understands the ramifications of intervention discipline on the part of the father. On the way out, Cosby gives his child one more than agreed upon last good swat on the behind. Cosby Junior looks at Cosby Senior with a look of betrayal as Cosby Senior says, "I lied about the number of swats. How does it feel to be lied to?"
Now that is a quick way to clear up any delusional fantasies brought with the adolescent from his childhood!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Logical Children
I always considered myself to be a fairly intelligent individual capable of using logic and reason to solve problems. Then I had a child; a pre-teen to be exact. The problem with parenting today is listening to all the so-called "experts". You see, the "experts" tell you to reason with and use logic on the child. The problem is that is like putting a square peg in a round hole. Children do not have reasoning abilities. The younger the child, the less reasoning and logic abilities they have.
Consider this proof: It is clear that the child has eaten the chocolate cake. The child has not bothered to get a plate, cut a nice even piece off of the cake and place it on the plate. You would have been impressed with this and maybe even, in your pleasure, have let go of the fact that your child ate the chocolate cake at 6:30 in the morning. Instead, the child simply bit into the entire cake coating his or her face with a ring of chocolate icing encompassing his or her face. At this point, adult logic has broken down as well for the adult. Adults ask a dumb question: "Did you eat some of the chocolate cake?" Forget the fact that the child's facial imprint is in the cake! What will the child say? "No!" Why do we even bother to ask the child? After a twenty-minute debate with the child in which you show clear and logical evidence as to how you know the child ate the chocolate cake, your child is still not convinced by the logic. You literally have to take the child to the bathroom mirror and allow himself to see the chocolate on his face. Children live in a fantasy land, where, their plausible answer is that the chocolate ferry must have put the chocolate on their face.
Older children will make you judge your sanity. They are in between the fantasy world where outlandish explanations make sense to them and the world of reality. This makes their fantasy explanations seem more plausible to you. It is at this point where you begin to question your sanity. The problem is you are getting older too. Maybe it was you that left the lights on! All of my adult life I have never had a problem turning off the lights or flushing the toilet, but now, for whatever reason, I must be forgetting how to do those things. The child will emphatically and convincingly argue that he turned the lights off when he came downstairs. Since you really don't want to question your own sanity or abilities, the Georgia Power troll actually becomes believable. You see, Georgia Power has these invisible trolls that go around and, after you know you have turned the lights off, go and turn the lights back on so that Georgia Power can make more money. This is more plausible than you losing your own mind or that your child forgot how to flip a switch.
Like I mentioned, I consider myself a fairly intelligent persona and I would like for my child to "inherit" some of that intelligence. So, in an effort to ascribe some intelligence, I like for my child to think through answers. (This is my first mistake: Children have neither the ability to use logic nor the ability to think. Thinking implies logic.) For instance, you have woken your son up - for the fourth time this morning - and yet you still find your son asleep instead of getting ready for school. You see the child asleep. You are talking to the child, in a very loud and frustrated tone, and the child is not responding. Finally, the child stirs - and you ask a stupid question: "Where you asleep?" In your mind, it is a rhetorical question, but children do not have the ability to understand rhetoric. If you ask them about rhetoric, he thinks you are talking about an NBA basketball player, Rhetoric James. You know the answer to, "Where you asleep," and "Why aren't you getting ready for school?" One question answers the other: the child was not getting ready for school because he was asleep. That does not matter logically however because your child does not use logic.
"Where you asleep," is met by, "No."
You are baffled! "You weren't asleep? So what were you doing?"
The child still has not moved from the fetal position on the bed. "I was looking for my shoes!"
The child is obviously irritated at your logic!
"You were looking for your shoes," you inquire? Now, it does not matter that your child is still balled up in his underwear on the bed and has not managed to put a shirt or pair of pants on, but he is somehow looking for his shoes. "How are you looking for your shoe, undressed, balled up on your bed and with your eyes closed?" There! You have him! You can't argue with logic - or so you think!
"I was visualizing where I left my shoes," he insists!
It is at this point that you begin to question your sanity. Maybe he was visualizing. You realize that logic will not work with your child so you give up shaking your head and muttering under your breath. Again, what the "experts" fail to understand is that you cannot use logic where there is a void of it.
It is at this point that you realize you miss the days of the "I don't know..." answers.
"Why did you touch the stove when I told you don't touch the stove?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put these stickers on the television screen?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put that in the toilet?"
Everybody sing it with me now..., "I don't know."
You begin to realize that you miss the "I don't know," answers because you realize that children are incapable of using logic. They really do not know why they do half the things they do. They are exploring and learning new concepts like transfomers can transform a toilet into an upstairs water park when attempting to flush them down the toilet.
The problem is that pre-teens and teens become devious because they are now coming out of the fantasy world and beginning to use just enough logic to drive you crazy! Meditating and developing the skills of a Psychic now seem plausible to you.
After a long battle equivalent to the final Apocalypse, your child finally makes it downstairs for breakfast. Among all the things you had to do to get yourself ready AND wake up your child, you cook breakfast, for all the experts tell you decent nutrition will help your child do well in school. After slaving over the stove, your child informs you that he is not hungry. Any other time - usually when there is no food in the house - he would devour a cruise ships buffet worth of food! After coaxing him to brush his teeth in order to keep some friends at school, he finally emerges and you are ready to take him to school. You have been ready to go 10-minutes ago even after all you had to do to get ready. The only thing your child really had to do is to wake up and dress himself. You on the other hand must get your self clean, prepare lunch for the child and yourself, engage in hand-to-hand combat to wake your child, make breakfast, clean up the kitchen, set things out for dinner and check the daily schedule and yet, you are still done with 10-minutes to spare.
Finally, your child has his shirt on, gotten his school books and is wearing pants - most of the time - and you are ready to go.
"Let's go," you say reasonably. Of course, the response you get is:
"I can't find my shoes."
I truly believe that all the "experts" who implore us to use logic never had a teenager living in the home with them!
Consider this proof: It is clear that the child has eaten the chocolate cake. The child has not bothered to get a plate, cut a nice even piece off of the cake and place it on the plate. You would have been impressed with this and maybe even, in your pleasure, have let go of the fact that your child ate the chocolate cake at 6:30 in the morning. Instead, the child simply bit into the entire cake coating his or her face with a ring of chocolate icing encompassing his or her face. At this point, adult logic has broken down as well for the adult. Adults ask a dumb question: "Did you eat some of the chocolate cake?" Forget the fact that the child's facial imprint is in the cake! What will the child say? "No!" Why do we even bother to ask the child? After a twenty-minute debate with the child in which you show clear and logical evidence as to how you know the child ate the chocolate cake, your child is still not convinced by the logic. You literally have to take the child to the bathroom mirror and allow himself to see the chocolate on his face. Children live in a fantasy land, where, their plausible answer is that the chocolate ferry must have put the chocolate on their face.
Older children will make you judge your sanity. They are in between the fantasy world where outlandish explanations make sense to them and the world of reality. This makes their fantasy explanations seem more plausible to you. It is at this point where you begin to question your sanity. The problem is you are getting older too. Maybe it was you that left the lights on! All of my adult life I have never had a problem turning off the lights or flushing the toilet, but now, for whatever reason, I must be forgetting how to do those things. The child will emphatically and convincingly argue that he turned the lights off when he came downstairs. Since you really don't want to question your own sanity or abilities, the Georgia Power troll actually becomes believable. You see, Georgia Power has these invisible trolls that go around and, after you know you have turned the lights off, go and turn the lights back on so that Georgia Power can make more money. This is more plausible than you losing your own mind or that your child forgot how to flip a switch.
Like I mentioned, I consider myself a fairly intelligent persona and I would like for my child to "inherit" some of that intelligence. So, in an effort to ascribe some intelligence, I like for my child to think through answers. (This is my first mistake: Children have neither the ability to use logic nor the ability to think. Thinking implies logic.) For instance, you have woken your son up - for the fourth time this morning - and yet you still find your son asleep instead of getting ready for school. You see the child asleep. You are talking to the child, in a very loud and frustrated tone, and the child is not responding. Finally, the child stirs - and you ask a stupid question: "Where you asleep?" In your mind, it is a rhetorical question, but children do not have the ability to understand rhetoric. If you ask them about rhetoric, he thinks you are talking about an NBA basketball player, Rhetoric James. You know the answer to, "Where you asleep," and "Why aren't you getting ready for school?" One question answers the other: the child was not getting ready for school because he was asleep. That does not matter logically however because your child does not use logic.
"Where you asleep," is met by, "No."
You are baffled! "You weren't asleep? So what were you doing?"
The child still has not moved from the fetal position on the bed. "I was looking for my shoes!"
The child is obviously irritated at your logic!
"You were looking for your shoes," you inquire? Now, it does not matter that your child is still balled up in his underwear on the bed and has not managed to put a shirt or pair of pants on, but he is somehow looking for his shoes. "How are you looking for your shoe, undressed, balled up on your bed and with your eyes closed?" There! You have him! You can't argue with logic - or so you think!
"I was visualizing where I left my shoes," he insists!
It is at this point that you begin to question your sanity. Maybe he was visualizing. You realize that logic will not work with your child so you give up shaking your head and muttering under your breath. Again, what the "experts" fail to understand is that you cannot use logic where there is a void of it.
It is at this point that you realize you miss the days of the "I don't know..." answers.
"Why did you touch the stove when I told you don't touch the stove?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put these stickers on the television screen?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you put that in the toilet?"
Everybody sing it with me now..., "I don't know."
You begin to realize that you miss the "I don't know," answers because you realize that children are incapable of using logic. They really do not know why they do half the things they do. They are exploring and learning new concepts like transfomers can transform a toilet into an upstairs water park when attempting to flush them down the toilet.
The problem is that pre-teens and teens become devious because they are now coming out of the fantasy world and beginning to use just enough logic to drive you crazy! Meditating and developing the skills of a Psychic now seem plausible to you.
After a long battle equivalent to the final Apocalypse, your child finally makes it downstairs for breakfast. Among all the things you had to do to get yourself ready AND wake up your child, you cook breakfast, for all the experts tell you decent nutrition will help your child do well in school. After slaving over the stove, your child informs you that he is not hungry. Any other time - usually when there is no food in the house - he would devour a cruise ships buffet worth of food! After coaxing him to brush his teeth in order to keep some friends at school, he finally emerges and you are ready to take him to school. You have been ready to go 10-minutes ago even after all you had to do to get ready. The only thing your child really had to do is to wake up and dress himself. You on the other hand must get your self clean, prepare lunch for the child and yourself, engage in hand-to-hand combat to wake your child, make breakfast, clean up the kitchen, set things out for dinner and check the daily schedule and yet, you are still done with 10-minutes to spare.
Finally, your child has his shirt on, gotten his school books and is wearing pants - most of the time - and you are ready to go.
"Let's go," you say reasonably. Of course, the response you get is:
"I can't find my shoes."
I truly believe that all the "experts" who implore us to use logic never had a teenager living in the home with them!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Connected Parents (This Means You Dad!)
I am not trying to brag here, so please bear with me and you will see why I make the following statements. I served in the U.S. Army doing force protection where I was in the first American Unit to go through the French Commando training. I have worked for and consulted with the Department of Defense and the US Army working with military dependents in Europe. I am a published author, contributor to the Teen Devotional Bible, and have run several large youth ministries. I have gotten my undergraduate degree in Special Education, my Masters in Theology and am working on a Doctorate in Youth, Family and Culture. I have worked with lots of troubled kids, was part of pioneering ministry to early adolescents through an international ministry and have been a consultant and speaker. I hold two different black belts, a third degree in Isshin-Ryu Karate, a second degree black belt in Americanized Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Jui-Jitsu. I have been a Lifeguard and Lifeguard Instructor. I have done a lot in my life and yet NONE of the accomplishments above have been as difficult or as challenging as being a “connected” dad!
Six-months ago, I started the journey to adoption after fighting against that call to adopt. These first six-months have been enlightening, challenging, frustrating, joyful, tearful, and all together life-changing. I have to say though, I would never have been able to become a connected dad if it were not for my “support systems”. These support systems include family, friends, my church and professionals such as counselors and therapists. Frankly, the boy I adopted came from a past full of traumatic and very painful hurts. Despite this, Aaron has become very resilient and capable of overcoming the challenges from his past. He made the “Merit Roll” for the first time ever. I suspect he will continue to do well in school because he has the same support system I have – friends, family, church and professionals. I have a newfound respect for single parents – especially single moms who have more than one child.
I don’t know what it is about our human nature that causes us to act contrary to what we know deep down is the right thing to do. For those of us who have a faith, it would seem contrary to stay disconnected from a church because that would seem to indicate that our faith is irrelevant to our every day lives. For whatever reason – maybe too many Sundays away – we become complacent at best, or lazy at worst and we stay away. This then becomes a habit. We say we are believers but those “beliefs” never really impact our lives. Unfortunately, this seems to be happening with our parenting. We say we love our children, but then things happen. They get older, we get a divorce, work seems to take too much time, and before you know it, we are just as disconnected from our kids as we are our church. Then we wonder why our relationship with our kids becomes as irrelevant as our faith and relationship with our church.
The surrendering is subtle and un-noticed. It all starts by our surrendering our children to the “professionals”. Professionals to teach my child (schools and teachers), a professional to coach my child (coaches), a professional to spiritually train my child (Pastor, Priest or Rabbi), a professional to listen to my child (counselor/therapist), professionals to develop character in my child (Scouts or other civic organizations), etc. There are many more professionals we surrender our children to. You get the idea. I was actually told recently by a professional who I relied on to be the professional that I, as a parent, was the best professional for my child. That stunned me because I thought she was the professional and I relied on her to guide me in the “right directions”. The problem is, and she is right, I probably have relied on her too much to be a professional when in reality, she has no idea what truly goes on day-in and day-out in my home. Guess what? None of the “professionals” knows what goes on in your home day-in and day-out either! It is time to once again become “professional” parents in our culture once again. At the end of the day, professionals can make suggestions and do their thing, but ultimately parents have to be the ones to live with the results.
Don’t let anyone fool you – being a connected dad (or parent) is hard work, but when we keep the long-term development of our relationship with our children in mind, it is worth so much more than money, black belts, education or accolades! I may have been a professional in so many of the areas above, but the one place I want to excel the most in is in the area of being a “professional dad”. Who will join me?
Connected Parents (This Means You Dad!)
I am not trying to brag here, so please bear with me and you will see why I make the following statements. I served in the U.S. Army doing force protection where I was in the first American Unit to go through the French Commando training. I have worked for and consulted with the Department of Defense and the US Army working with military dependents in Europe. I am a published author, contributor to the Teen Devotional Bible, and have run several large youth ministries. I have gotten my undergraduate degree in Special Education, my Masters in Theology and am working on a Doctorate in Youth, Family and Culture. I have worked with lots of troubled kids, was part of pioneering ministry to early adolescents through an international ministry and have been a consultant and speaker. I hold two different black belts, a third degree in Isshin-Ryu Karate, a second degree black belt in Americanized Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Jui-Jitsu. I have been a Lifeguard and Lifeguard Instructor. I have done a lot in my life and yet NONE of the accomplishments above have been as difficult or as challenging as being a “connected” dad!
Six-months ago, I started the journey to adoption after fighting against that call to adopt. These first six-months have been enlightening, challenging, frustrating, joyful, tearful, and all together life-changing. I have to say though, I would never have been able to become a connected dad if it were not for my “support systems”. These support systems include family, friends, my church and professionals such as counselors and therapists. Frankly, the boy I adopted came from a past full of traumatic and very painful hurts. Despite this, Aaron has become very resilient and capable of overcoming the challenges from his past. He made the “Merit Roll” for the first time ever. I suspect he will continue to do well in school because he has the same support system I have – friends, family, church and professionals. I have a newfound respect for single parents – especially single moms who have more than one child.
I don’t know what it is about our human nature that causes us to act contrary to what we know deep down is the right thing to do. For those of us who have a faith, it would seem contrary to stay disconnected from a church because that would seem to indicate that our faith is irrelevant to our every day lives. For whatever reason – maybe too many Sundays away – we become complacent at best, or lazy at worst and we stay away. This then becomes a habit. We say we are believers but those “beliefs” never really impact our lives. Unfortunately, this seems to be happening with our parenting. We say we love our children, but then things happen. They get older, we get a divorce, work seems to take too much time, and before you know it, we are just as disconnected from our kids as we are our church. Then we wonder why our relationship with our kids becomes as irrelevant as our faith and relationship with our church.
The surrendering is subtle and un-noticed. It all starts by our surrendering our children to the “professionals”. Professionals to teach my child (schools and teachers), a professional to coach my child (coaches), a professional to spiritually train my child (Pastor, Priest or Rabbi), a professional to listen to my child (counselor/therapist), professionals to develop character in my child (Scouts or other civic organizations), etc. There are many more professionals we surrender our children to. You get the idea. I was actually told recently by a professional who I relied on to be the professional that I, as a parent, was the best professional for my child. That stunned me because I thought she was the professional and I relied on her to guide me in the “right directions”. The problem is, and she is right, I probably have relied on her too much to be a professional when in reality, she has no idea what truly goes on day-in and day-out in my home. Guess what? None of the “professionals” knows what goes on in your home day-in and day-out either! It is time to once again become “professional” parents in our culture once again. At the end of the day, professionals can make suggestions and do their thing, but ultimately parents have to be the ones to live with the results.
Don’t let anyone fool you – being a connected dad (or parent) is hard work, but when we keep the long-term development of our relationship with our children in mind, it is worth so much more than money, black belts, education or accolades! I may have been a professional in so many of the areas above, but the one place I want to excel the most in is in the area of being a “professional dad”. Who will join me?
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