A friend of mine (thanks LJ!) sent a wonderful blog about "Post Adoption Depression". Let me first say, no, I am not depressed. Wondering if I can be a good father, yes! Mainly it is because the boy is still learning to trust and learning the "rules of the house". I feel like I am constantly having to stay a couple of steps ahead of him. I am torn as to whether I should or should not have gotten the puppy for Aaron and let him adopt the puppy. In a way, I think I did the right thing as a dog gives unconditional love and is great "therapy" for any kid.
I do understand why parents are so thankful for when kids get back into school. It has little to do with not wanting their kids around, but more about getting some routine back into life and having more time to get things done. On a bit of a humorous note, I got to thinking the following thoughts:
I used to have some money, now it goes to my son and a dog.
I used to have free time, now I have no idea when I will have "free time". (Thanks for other families though with whom Aaron has been able to get together with.)
I used to get rest, now I have fallen asleep standing up in the shower.
I used to have a clean house, now I could clean everyday and things are still going to get messy.
I used to do laundry once a week, now it is 3 - 4 times a week! (Thank goodness he is not a girl! I'd hate to see how much laundry I would do then.)
I used to be able to make decisions, now I wrestle with nearly every thought! (Seriously, I stood in the shower the other day and was so tired, I didn't know which leg to wash first!)
I STILL believe though that I have made the right decisions!
Peace!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I've Been Moonlighting
I have a confession to make: I've been moonlighting - or at least it feels that way! What have I been moonlighting as? Well, as hard as it may seem to believe, an Anti-Terrorist Negotiator! What is the most difficult is that I am not only the Negotiator, but I am the Hostage as well! This is what happens when you have an 11-year old boy in the house. Just like a hostage situation happens, a crisis occurs - say like when you have told the child not to do something for the 100th time because it is not safe - but the child continues to do so. The Terrorist has caused a potential crisis that demands the skill of a trained Negotiator. The Negotiators job is to keep the lines of communication open, meet reasonable demands and, most importantly, ultimately secure the release of the hostages. If you have any part of dealing with children, you know just how vital the negotiation stages can be.
First and foremost, you have to build trust! Seriously? How easy is it going to be to build trust with a Terrorist? Regardless, it has to be done. The best way to build trust is to see beyond the infraction and see the heart of the child - assuming he or she has a heart. (Just kidding - every kid has a heart but some are harder to get to than others.) This brings me to the second skill set of a Negotiator - patience. You can't just mete out justice in a hurry. If you do this, you will lose the position of Negotiator and retain primary position of Hostage for the consequences you give out will only serve to imprison you. You have to suffer the outcomes of ill-conceived consequences. They may punish you more than your child. As a Negotiator, you are always trying to stay several steps ahead of your child. "How will he respond if I...," "What if I try this consequence and it doesn't work," or "Will either one of us require major Psychiatric help if I..."? All these questions go through your mind at the same time! It can be very overwhelming, but as a Negotiator, you cannot allow this to happen; you need clarity of mind! So, in your spare time (that's a laugh), you break out the various manuals on chess to hone your cognitive skills and master the concepts of thinking several complicated moves in advance!
As Negotiator, you have to keep a cool head because if you don't, you may lose the life of the Hostage. (If you didn't catch it, you are the Hostage!) It is like one of those movies though where the Negotiator is smooth and in control at all times. Of all the people in the room, Tactical Unit, Bank or child's room, the Negotiator is the only one who never breaks a sweat. You still have to keep the Terrorist on his toes though by having a little sporadic twitch in your eye. This way, he cannot tell if you are about to snap or not. This keeps him thinking about just how far he really wants his demands to go. Will the risk be worth it in his mind?
Let's say you successfully negotiated a consequence that fits the crime. Let's say the crime was doing some dangerous deeds with some peers - like playing with fire and you catch the little Terrorists in the act. Natural consequences: 3 days of no hanging out with friends, an undetermined period of time of not hanging out with THOSE friends and two nights to bed early. You are feeling pretty good about your negotiating savvy! The Terrorist (I mean child of course) understands the consequences and is compliant - or so you think. You believe that you have just won a major battle on the fight to end Terrorism. If you think so, you are living in "La-La Land" and have no idea of what is coming next. So the "early to bed" time comes when the Terrorist has made an attempted escape from Gitmo cunningly coming out in order to "help you walk the dog" - something he has had little interest in before and somehow has conceived that a dog leash can be operated by two. Upon reminding the Terrorist of the crimes for which he was convicted and the sentence that was carried out, the pleas for mercy begin. You stick by your guns and threaten that the sentence will not be commuted and if compliance does not occur within the next 3 - 5 seconds, the sentence will be expanded upon.
You would not expect Terrorists to grumble but they do - only it is really not grumbling; it is more like rumblings of struggles to come in the future for while you think you have won yet another battle in the war on terrorism, a Terrorist never forgets! A Terrorist has long-range plans and strategies and all we can do is wait for the next bomb to go off.
Overall, I am not sure how good of a Negotiator I make. There are two things that are certain; 1 - I find the role as Hostage as disturbing as it sounds and, 2 - you truly cannot negotiate with terrorists. So, what's a chap to do? That may be an answer for another time. For now though, I know the only thing I can do is put on a flak jacket (a thick skin) and stay in the battle because the US policy is correct - "We don't negotiate with Terrorists!"
First and foremost, you have to build trust! Seriously? How easy is it going to be to build trust with a Terrorist? Regardless, it has to be done. The best way to build trust is to see beyond the infraction and see the heart of the child - assuming he or she has a heart. (Just kidding - every kid has a heart but some are harder to get to than others.) This brings me to the second skill set of a Negotiator - patience. You can't just mete out justice in a hurry. If you do this, you will lose the position of Negotiator and retain primary position of Hostage for the consequences you give out will only serve to imprison you. You have to suffer the outcomes of ill-conceived consequences. They may punish you more than your child. As a Negotiator, you are always trying to stay several steps ahead of your child. "How will he respond if I...," "What if I try this consequence and it doesn't work," or "Will either one of us require major Psychiatric help if I..."? All these questions go through your mind at the same time! It can be very overwhelming, but as a Negotiator, you cannot allow this to happen; you need clarity of mind! So, in your spare time (that's a laugh), you break out the various manuals on chess to hone your cognitive skills and master the concepts of thinking several complicated moves in advance!
As Negotiator, you have to keep a cool head because if you don't, you may lose the life of the Hostage. (If you didn't catch it, you are the Hostage!) It is like one of those movies though where the Negotiator is smooth and in control at all times. Of all the people in the room, Tactical Unit, Bank or child's room, the Negotiator is the only one who never breaks a sweat. You still have to keep the Terrorist on his toes though by having a little sporadic twitch in your eye. This way, he cannot tell if you are about to snap or not. This keeps him thinking about just how far he really wants his demands to go. Will the risk be worth it in his mind?
Let's say you successfully negotiated a consequence that fits the crime. Let's say the crime was doing some dangerous deeds with some peers - like playing with fire and you catch the little Terrorists in the act. Natural consequences: 3 days of no hanging out with friends, an undetermined period of time of not hanging out with THOSE friends and two nights to bed early. You are feeling pretty good about your negotiating savvy! The Terrorist (I mean child of course) understands the consequences and is compliant - or so you think. You believe that you have just won a major battle on the fight to end Terrorism. If you think so, you are living in "La-La Land" and have no idea of what is coming next. So the "early to bed" time comes when the Terrorist has made an attempted escape from Gitmo cunningly coming out in order to "help you walk the dog" - something he has had little interest in before and somehow has conceived that a dog leash can be operated by two. Upon reminding the Terrorist of the crimes for which he was convicted and the sentence that was carried out, the pleas for mercy begin. You stick by your guns and threaten that the sentence will not be commuted and if compliance does not occur within the next 3 - 5 seconds, the sentence will be expanded upon.
You would not expect Terrorists to grumble but they do - only it is really not grumbling; it is more like rumblings of struggles to come in the future for while you think you have won yet another battle in the war on terrorism, a Terrorist never forgets! A Terrorist has long-range plans and strategies and all we can do is wait for the next bomb to go off.
Overall, I am not sure how good of a Negotiator I make. There are two things that are certain; 1 - I find the role as Hostage as disturbing as it sounds and, 2 - you truly cannot negotiate with terrorists. So, what's a chap to do? That may be an answer for another time. For now though, I know the only thing I can do is put on a flak jacket (a thick skin) and stay in the battle because the US policy is correct - "We don't negotiate with Terrorists!"
Friday, June 24, 2011
Yes, I am a little crazy...
Only time will tell how crazy I am or am not. I have always believed and been told that dogs are good therapy. I believe that is true. Some people would think, "Why would you get a dog when you just adopted a child?" Well, if the dog helps Aaron settle in, feel empowered, have another living thing to care for and grow up together, I think it could be a "win-win".
Aaron is excited about "Jackson" - the dog we are rescuing. We are adopting Jackson from the Walton County Animal Shelter. Can you see the beauty of the situation? Now if I can just get Aaron to sleep. On another note, here is what was "revealed" today: for the first time EVER, Aaron has the chance to develop some long-term friendships with other kids his age. He has never had the chance to have a friend spend the night or spend the night with a friend. Aaron, for the first time, feels like he has the chance to have a "normal" childhood. Wow! Think of all the things we took for granted growing up as children: friendships, spend the nights, parties, riding a bike you own, living in a neighborhood where your friends are right across the street, etc.
Can't wait to tell you what might happen next!
Aaron is excited about "Jackson" - the dog we are rescuing. We are adopting Jackson from the Walton County Animal Shelter. Can you see the beauty of the situation? Now if I can just get Aaron to sleep. On another note, here is what was "revealed" today: for the first time EVER, Aaron has the chance to develop some long-term friendships with other kids his age. He has never had the chance to have a friend spend the night or spend the night with a friend. Aaron, for the first time, feels like he has the chance to have a "normal" childhood. Wow! Think of all the things we took for granted growing up as children: friendships, spend the nights, parties, riding a bike you own, living in a neighborhood where your friends are right across the street, etc.
Can't wait to tell you what might happen next!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
It Will All Be Worth It!
I have to be careful not to throw the little guy under the bus! While I want to share many of the things that are going on in our lives, I don't want him to be embarrassed. It has been a while since I have been able to write. Life has been a huge whirlwind! If you have seen the recent pictures of the tornadoes that have ripped through the Mid-west, that is what my life has been like recently!
We finished a big night production called United, where the students lead everything. It only took some coaching on my part and some mentoring from other adult leaders. Then we went right into the Jamaica phase AND Atlanta Fest at a place called Stone Mountain. Fortunately, I have some great Youth Adult volunteers that pulled off Jamaica spectacularly while our Mission Team and I were in Jamaica! This is all on top of our Tuesday Night Bible Study and coming back on the morning of the 18th (5:30 AM) and preaching two services on the 19th!
I could say SO much about Jamaica, but I want to catch everyone up on the adoption process! First, I have to say I have the MOST amazing and supportive Church in the UNIVERSE! Not only have them been gracious and accepting of Aaron, but they have been preparing his room (Army decor - a man after my own heart, hoorah!), but they are also throwing him a "Welcome To Loganville" Party to REALLY make him feel welcome. They have also been very supportive of him on the Mission Trip and made him feel just as much a part of the team as anyone else.
I've got to set this one up a little bit: Our first day in Jamaica, we actually went to the beach in Montego Bay. (Suffering for Jesus, right?) It is just the way our schedule worked out. Usually, beach day is at the end of the week, but of course, nothing goes as "normal" for The Orchard! At the beach I discovered that, while Aaron thought he could swim, he could swim about as good as putting a pair of flippers on a rock! The flippers won't help. So, I spent time as his "water taxi" carting him around with a snorkel on each of us so that he could see all the colorful fish at the various reefs. (This after he drank about a 1/2 gallon of sea-water and regurgitated 1/4 of it back up! Yummm, chum for the fish!) After a half day of doing this and swimming "with him", he finally got the hang of "relaxing" in the water and when he got tired, turning on his back to float. (A great achievement! In a previous life many years ago, I have actually been a Life Guard, Life Guard Instructor, Water Safety Instructor, and Swim Instructor - who knew that would come in handy at my age!) Anyhoo - Aaron really got the hang of it - especially after we spent more time in the pool. (He preferred the taste of the fresh water over the taste of the saltwater.) SPOILER: this next point is important: Needless to say, Aaron took to swimming like a fish takes to, well, water! (Awesome - another "consequence" to hold over his head if he misbehaves! Can you see where this is going?)
Apparently, OSHA has been put out of business in Jamaica! Every building seemed to be comprised of stairs that had no barrier or hand rails or what have you - nor did many of the roofs. Many a curious teen had taken a stroll up to the very top of the hotel roof to get a gander of the incredible Ocean view! It was truly amazing and I was only mad at myself for not thinking of doing this until AFTER these folks got caught and there was a general announcement about staying off the roof. (At least they could plead ignorance - I had no such luxury; well, at least for this situation!)
After leaving Aaron in the capable hands of some leaders who specifically told him, "Don't go on the roof," which he apparently took as a, "Feel free to wander around on the roof" invitation, I had to leave to a different work site. Needless to say, I was none to happy when I heard of what had happened! As a natural consequence after investigating the crime, I told Aaron that he would not be allowed to go in the pool that evening. You would have thought I told him that we were about to rip his toenails off one by one and dip his feet in alcohol! He was ready to fight! He barreled out his chest, clinched his fists and declared, "I'm going to the airport!" How he was going to get there and what he would do when and if he got there was not part of his cognitive planning yet as he stormed out of the hotel toward the gate. I hollered after him, "Look buddy, if you go outside of those gates, you will also be grounded from swimming tomorrow as well. This was enough to give him pause... but only for a second or two. He really must have thought he would be able to board an International flight without any adult supervision for he went out of the gate and promptly turned to the right! The problem is that the airport... was to the left! I had to tell him, "Hey buddy, I hate to tell you the airport is back THAT way," I said pointing over my shoulder! (You would think he would have noticed this as he took his stroll on the roof and the airport is very prominent from that position.) He once again bowed up his chest and tightened his fists. I repeated my first offer but I think the reality of taking down a 220 lb., 6'3" black belt started to seem a little less than a good idea.
Feeling like he was trapped, Aaron mentally and physically jostled looking for a way to get around me in order to get to the plane that would happily take him back to the Fatherland. As we inched closer to each other, like two cowboys at a high-noon show down, I was finally able to gain the upper hand - his upper hand that is. I grabbed his right arm and wrapped around him like a snake wraps around a rat in order to keep him from running (which he has been known to do).
He tried to fight and wrestle his way out of my grip, I kid you not, for 15 minutes or so! After multiple attempts to get free, I told him, "I guess that is one of the bad sides of having a dad that is fairly strong, huh?" I also assured him, "You can keep doing this as long as you think you can last." I had to pull him a little to the side of the hotel and by some bushes so he would not be continually embarrassing himself in front of the locals. After 15 to 20 minutes of this, his entire body went limp as if he "gave up the ghost"! I asked him, "Are you finished now?" He responded with a weak, "Yes!"
Okay, tissue alert. I get teary-eyed thinking about it again. I relaxed my grip and went into more of a hug and I told him, "Buddy, I just want you to know that no matter what, I am never giving up on you and I will never let you go!" At this point, I saw a tear roll down his face. I continued as I kissed him on top of his head, "I care about you and want the best for you and that is why I am not giving up on you! Can I let go now?" "Yes," his response came back and from there he followed me back into the hotel. As we climbed the steps back toward our room, I stopped him and turned him around so he was eye level with me.
"You know," I said, "it is okay to cry! Why do you think I am getting all teary-eyed right now?" He shrugged his shoulders but correctly stated, "Because you love me?" BINGO! "Yes, because I love you and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you! How do you think I would feel if your caseworkers or my caseworker said, 'Well, Rich couldn't handle Aaron in Jamaica' and the felt like we shouldn't be together?" He replied, "You would feel pretty bad." "You're right," I said, "and I don't know about you, but I don't want to start this whole process over again, do you?" His reply came quietly but confidently, "No!" "You know I love you, right buddy?" He threw his arms around my neck, said, "Yes," and hugged me while still crying.
This parenting thing is going to make me an emotional wreck but hey, it will all be worth it!
We finished a big night production called United, where the students lead everything. It only took some coaching on my part and some mentoring from other adult leaders. Then we went right into the Jamaica phase AND Atlanta Fest at a place called Stone Mountain. Fortunately, I have some great Youth Adult volunteers that pulled off Jamaica spectacularly while our Mission Team and I were in Jamaica! This is all on top of our Tuesday Night Bible Study and coming back on the morning of the 18th (5:30 AM) and preaching two services on the 19th!
I could say SO much about Jamaica, but I want to catch everyone up on the adoption process! First, I have to say I have the MOST amazing and supportive Church in the UNIVERSE! Not only have them been gracious and accepting of Aaron, but they have been preparing his room (Army decor - a man after my own heart, hoorah!), but they are also throwing him a "Welcome To Loganville" Party to REALLY make him feel welcome. They have also been very supportive of him on the Mission Trip and made him feel just as much a part of the team as anyone else.
I've got to set this one up a little bit: Our first day in Jamaica, we actually went to the beach in Montego Bay. (Suffering for Jesus, right?) It is just the way our schedule worked out. Usually, beach day is at the end of the week, but of course, nothing goes as "normal" for The Orchard! At the beach I discovered that, while Aaron thought he could swim, he could swim about as good as putting a pair of flippers on a rock! The flippers won't help. So, I spent time as his "water taxi" carting him around with a snorkel on each of us so that he could see all the colorful fish at the various reefs. (This after he drank about a 1/2 gallon of sea-water and regurgitated 1/4 of it back up! Yummm, chum for the fish!) After a half day of doing this and swimming "with him", he finally got the hang of "relaxing" in the water and when he got tired, turning on his back to float. (A great achievement! In a previous life many years ago, I have actually been a Life Guard, Life Guard Instructor, Water Safety Instructor, and Swim Instructor - who knew that would come in handy at my age!) Anyhoo - Aaron really got the hang of it - especially after we spent more time in the pool. (He preferred the taste of the fresh water over the taste of the saltwater.) SPOILER: this next point is important: Needless to say, Aaron took to swimming like a fish takes to, well, water! (Awesome - another "consequence" to hold over his head if he misbehaves! Can you see where this is going?)
Apparently, OSHA has been put out of business in Jamaica! Every building seemed to be comprised of stairs that had no barrier or hand rails or what have you - nor did many of the roofs. Many a curious teen had taken a stroll up to the very top of the hotel roof to get a gander of the incredible Ocean view! It was truly amazing and I was only mad at myself for not thinking of doing this until AFTER these folks got caught and there was a general announcement about staying off the roof. (At least they could plead ignorance - I had no such luxury; well, at least for this situation!)
After leaving Aaron in the capable hands of some leaders who specifically told him, "Don't go on the roof," which he apparently took as a, "Feel free to wander around on the roof" invitation, I had to leave to a different work site. Needless to say, I was none to happy when I heard of what had happened! As a natural consequence after investigating the crime, I told Aaron that he would not be allowed to go in the pool that evening. You would have thought I told him that we were about to rip his toenails off one by one and dip his feet in alcohol! He was ready to fight! He barreled out his chest, clinched his fists and declared, "I'm going to the airport!" How he was going to get there and what he would do when and if he got there was not part of his cognitive planning yet as he stormed out of the hotel toward the gate. I hollered after him, "Look buddy, if you go outside of those gates, you will also be grounded from swimming tomorrow as well. This was enough to give him pause... but only for a second or two. He really must have thought he would be able to board an International flight without any adult supervision for he went out of the gate and promptly turned to the right! The problem is that the airport... was to the left! I had to tell him, "Hey buddy, I hate to tell you the airport is back THAT way," I said pointing over my shoulder! (You would think he would have noticed this as he took his stroll on the roof and the airport is very prominent from that position.) He once again bowed up his chest and tightened his fists. I repeated my first offer but I think the reality of taking down a 220 lb., 6'3" black belt started to seem a little less than a good idea.
Feeling like he was trapped, Aaron mentally and physically jostled looking for a way to get around me in order to get to the plane that would happily take him back to the Fatherland. As we inched closer to each other, like two cowboys at a high-noon show down, I was finally able to gain the upper hand - his upper hand that is. I grabbed his right arm and wrapped around him like a snake wraps around a rat in order to keep him from running (which he has been known to do).
He tried to fight and wrestle his way out of my grip, I kid you not, for 15 minutes or so! After multiple attempts to get free, I told him, "I guess that is one of the bad sides of having a dad that is fairly strong, huh?" I also assured him, "You can keep doing this as long as you think you can last." I had to pull him a little to the side of the hotel and by some bushes so he would not be continually embarrassing himself in front of the locals. After 15 to 20 minutes of this, his entire body went limp as if he "gave up the ghost"! I asked him, "Are you finished now?" He responded with a weak, "Yes!"
Okay, tissue alert. I get teary-eyed thinking about it again. I relaxed my grip and went into more of a hug and I told him, "Buddy, I just want you to know that no matter what, I am never giving up on you and I will never let you go!" At this point, I saw a tear roll down his face. I continued as I kissed him on top of his head, "I care about you and want the best for you and that is why I am not giving up on you! Can I let go now?" "Yes," his response came back and from there he followed me back into the hotel. As we climbed the steps back toward our room, I stopped him and turned him around so he was eye level with me.
"You know," I said, "it is okay to cry! Why do you think I am getting all teary-eyed right now?" He shrugged his shoulders but correctly stated, "Because you love me?" BINGO! "Yes, because I love you and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you! How do you think I would feel if your caseworkers or my caseworker said, 'Well, Rich couldn't handle Aaron in Jamaica' and the felt like we shouldn't be together?" He replied, "You would feel pretty bad." "You're right," I said, "and I don't know about you, but I don't want to start this whole process over again, do you?" His reply came quietly but confidently, "No!" "You know I love you, right buddy?" He threw his arms around my neck, said, "Yes," and hugged me while still crying.
This parenting thing is going to make me an emotional wreck but hey, it will all be worth it!
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