Someone just recently asked me about adopting a teenager out of the foster care system. Here was my honest response... at least for now:
"Oh, now is so not the time to ask me without getting an emotional response! Aaron is not even a teen yet and I am having soooo many problems with him to where I may need to put him in an EBD class and boot camp! I am really torn on my answer. While I know there are MANY teens that need a good home and need to be "out of the system" because few people will adopt older kids or teens, I struggle with what that looks like for each family! So much will depend on your family dynamics, (do you have older children, younger children, how strong is your marriage, etc.) and the child's dynamics (their history, why they are in foster care, his or her temperament, etc.). I will tell you this: I have discovered that when a child comes out of foster care, the caseworkers only usually know a little of what has really gone on in that child's life. There is usually years of abuse or neglect that has gone on that happened before the child finally came into care. This means there are some deep emotional scars that are in these kids' lives. I am still way to early into struggles with Aaron to let you know how I would feel about it for you all. I simply don't know enough. While it seems like the right and noble thing to do, that may not be enough to carry you through. Feel free to chat more with me about this but know that you should prepare yourself for THE WORSE possible situations!"
Here is what I discovered: most of these kids have gone through abuse, neglect or what have you to a far more degree than what the Social Workers let you know. This is not because the Social Worker is trying to hide anything from you, sometimes they don't know the extend of the abuse that went on before the child came into care. As you get to know the child and build a rapport and trust, the child will start telling you things that the Social Worker had no idea about. Most of the abuse and damage is far more reaching than most would suspect.
As you can imagine, these years of damage leave many deep scars in tact. These scars are difficult to overcome! The hardest part is how do you teach a child to become an Over-comer rather than a Victim? How do you discipline a child that has been abused. Reason and logic have rarely been a part of their existence. Spanking will rekindle images of abuse. You feel trapped. You feel torn. You feel angry, anxious, betrayed, helpless, frustrated - most of all, you really want to meet up with the kid parents/caregivers and give them a taste of what they dished out on the child!
Of course, as they say, "The honeymoon period is over!" Even though you are providing a better atmosphere and place for the child, don't expect him to either notice or appreciate it! When you are disciplining the child, he will tell you that he wants to go back to where he came from. (Interestingly enough, even thought the the Egyptians were enslaving and killing the people of Israel, they still wanted to go back into bondage!) Doesn't make sense, does it? The people of Israel were afraid of the unknown. So are children coming out of foster care - they too are afraid of the unknown! They would rather go back to the abuse then have to deal with the unknown. For them, the world is a very unsafe, uncaring and unloving place. This is the result of sin in our world. How could anyone deny it?
In the meantime, I will keep praying and hoping for the day when Aaron gets healthy and our home becomes a more joyful place! Until then...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Physician, Heal Thyself
Satan plays mind games and usually at the most strategic times. For instance, several months ago we had it planned out that I would give the message in our "What Kids Know About Parenting" series entitled, "I Need Correction". The message was in line with the need for Discipline. That sword cuts two ways; parents need to be disciplined in order to discipline their children and children need to be disciplined. They feel safe within set boundaries EVEN THOUGH they are going to test those boundaries. Boundaries tell them that they are loved and that they are cared about and cared for.
Of course, Satan knew about this message series and he knew what I was going to be preaching on. This week has been a difficult week of dealing with a stubborn child who has gotten in trouble at school - only 6 days after school started. Satan got in my head. "What can you say about discipline and being a good parent? Your kid is already a discipline problem." You see what he does? He puts doubt in your mind in order to keep you from speaking the truth! Satan says, "Did God really say...?" And the doubt begins.
A little disclaimer here: I can at least say I have not had the benefit of having Aaron from the beginning as an infant. He has not had the stability of growing up in one regular home where he knows what to expect. This is what I have had to tell myself as Satan put doubt in my mind about my ability to parent. Aaron has not had the opportunity to grow up in a home that operated under the principles I would be teaching on. The principles are still true and the sooner a home functions under them, the more likely the child will learn the healthy and wise ways of functioning.
Here are the principles that I taught on:
1. Avoid making rash statements. Jephthah made the mistake in Judges 11 of making a rash statement. It cost his daughter her life and an insurmountable amount of pain and grief. Don't make rash statements in the heat of the battle with your spouse or your kids. Think about what you need to say and when you need to say it. Trust me, your kids know when you are upset or they have disappointed you. Your facial expressions and body language already tell them everything they need to know. Harsh words might only do more damage. Do you want your kids flying off the handle when they get angry? Which brings me to the next point:
2. What parents do in moderation, kids will do in excess. Take Adam and Eve. Their rebellion cost them paradise! It was jealousy and desire that caused them to eat the fruit of disobedience - they wanted to be like God. Their jealousy (even if it was in moderation) was taken to excess when Cain was jealous of Abel. It was this jealousy that lead to the first murder.
3. Make sure the punishment fits the crime! While it would seem harsh for God to throw Adam and Eve out of Paradise, it was in their best interest for Him to do so. After their disobedience, God knew that Adam and Eve had the opportunity to eat of the tree of life, they would remain in their broken and sinful state, separated from God, for all eternity.
4. Don't be a house divided! From Jacob and Esau to to Joseph being a father's favorite, households that are divided rarely have positive outcomes for their children. Rebekah and Isaac were divided over the future of their children. Being the eldest child, Esau should have gotten the blessing but Rebekah favored Jacob and tricked her own husband into giving the blessing to Jacob - the second born. This caused a major rift in the life of the children! Joseph knew that he was favored and his brothers had a hard time overcoming this!
5. Think about consequences before you give them out! If you give a consequence in the heat of the moment, you may regret it! Have you ever said something "crazy" like, "You are going to be grounded for the next 30 years!" While this is an exaggeration, your child knows just like you that you will not be able to ground him or her for the next 30 years. It is an empty threat... and they know it. They will take advantage of this. If you back off the consequence, they will not take you seriously the next time. If you stick with the ridiculous consequence, they you will exacerbate your child. I give Aaron some a choice and then hold him to it. For instance, if I say, "You have to take out the trash. You can take it out now or you have until 7:00 PM. I will give you one reminder only and if you do not take out the trash, you will not get your allowance for it and you will have a consequence." This gives you time to think about a logical consequence that both you and your child can live with.
So, as you can see, while Satan might get into my head, what I have to teach is still sound. While Aaron has not had this foundation before, he can have it now. I have to remind myself of the long-term goal and results of Aaron becoming a healthy person. If I can build a new foundation and be consistent with discipline, we both just might have a shot of keeping our sanity!
Praying for the best!
Of course, Satan knew about this message series and he knew what I was going to be preaching on. This week has been a difficult week of dealing with a stubborn child who has gotten in trouble at school - only 6 days after school started. Satan got in my head. "What can you say about discipline and being a good parent? Your kid is already a discipline problem." You see what he does? He puts doubt in your mind in order to keep you from speaking the truth! Satan says, "Did God really say...?" And the doubt begins.
A little disclaimer here: I can at least say I have not had the benefit of having Aaron from the beginning as an infant. He has not had the stability of growing up in one regular home where he knows what to expect. This is what I have had to tell myself as Satan put doubt in my mind about my ability to parent. Aaron has not had the opportunity to grow up in a home that operated under the principles I would be teaching on. The principles are still true and the sooner a home functions under them, the more likely the child will learn the healthy and wise ways of functioning.
Here are the principles that I taught on:
1. Avoid making rash statements. Jephthah made the mistake in Judges 11 of making a rash statement. It cost his daughter her life and an insurmountable amount of pain and grief. Don't make rash statements in the heat of the battle with your spouse or your kids. Think about what you need to say and when you need to say it. Trust me, your kids know when you are upset or they have disappointed you. Your facial expressions and body language already tell them everything they need to know. Harsh words might only do more damage. Do you want your kids flying off the handle when they get angry? Which brings me to the next point:
2. What parents do in moderation, kids will do in excess. Take Adam and Eve. Their rebellion cost them paradise! It was jealousy and desire that caused them to eat the fruit of disobedience - they wanted to be like God. Their jealousy (even if it was in moderation) was taken to excess when Cain was jealous of Abel. It was this jealousy that lead to the first murder.
3. Make sure the punishment fits the crime! While it would seem harsh for God to throw Adam and Eve out of Paradise, it was in their best interest for Him to do so. After their disobedience, God knew that Adam and Eve had the opportunity to eat of the tree of life, they would remain in their broken and sinful state, separated from God, for all eternity.
4. Don't be a house divided! From Jacob and Esau to to Joseph being a father's favorite, households that are divided rarely have positive outcomes for their children. Rebekah and Isaac were divided over the future of their children. Being the eldest child, Esau should have gotten the blessing but Rebekah favored Jacob and tricked her own husband into giving the blessing to Jacob - the second born. This caused a major rift in the life of the children! Joseph knew that he was favored and his brothers had a hard time overcoming this!
5. Think about consequences before you give them out! If you give a consequence in the heat of the moment, you may regret it! Have you ever said something "crazy" like, "You are going to be grounded for the next 30 years!" While this is an exaggeration, your child knows just like you that you will not be able to ground him or her for the next 30 years. It is an empty threat... and they know it. They will take advantage of this. If you back off the consequence, they will not take you seriously the next time. If you stick with the ridiculous consequence, they you will exacerbate your child. I give Aaron some a choice and then hold him to it. For instance, if I say, "You have to take out the trash. You can take it out now or you have until 7:00 PM. I will give you one reminder only and if you do not take out the trash, you will not get your allowance for it and you will have a consequence." This gives you time to think about a logical consequence that both you and your child can live with.
So, as you can see, while Satan might get into my head, what I have to teach is still sound. While Aaron has not had this foundation before, he can have it now. I have to remind myself of the long-term goal and results of Aaron becoming a healthy person. If I can build a new foundation and be consistent with discipline, we both just might have a shot of keeping our sanity!
Praying for the best!
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