An Honest Response... At Least For Now!

Someone just recently asked me about adopting a teenager out of the foster care system. Here was my honest response... at least for now:

"Oh, now is so not the time to ask me without getting an emotional response! Aaron is not even a teen yet and I am having soooo many problems with him to where I may need to put him in an EBD class and boot camp! I am really torn on my answer. While I know there are MANY teens that need a good home and need to be "out of the system" because few people will adopt older kids or teens, I struggle with what that looks like for each family! So much will depend on your family dynamics, (do you have older children, younger children, how strong is your marriage, etc.) and the child's dynamics (their history, why they are in foster care, his or her temperament, etc.). I will tell you this: I have discovered that when a child comes out of foster care, the caseworkers only usually know a little of what has really gone on in that child's life. There is usually years of abuse or neglect that has gone on that happened before the child finally came into care. This means there are some deep emotional scars that are in these kids' lives. I am still way to early into struggles with Aaron to let you know how I would feel about it for you all. I simply don't know enough. While it seems like the right and noble thing to do, that may not be enough to carry you through. Feel free to chat more with me about this but know that you should prepare yourself for THE WORSE possible situations!"

Here is what I discovered: most of these kids have gone through abuse, neglect or what have you to a far more degree than what the Social Workers let you know. This is not because the Social Worker is trying to hide anything from you, sometimes they don't know the extend of the abuse that went on before the child came into care. As you get to know the child and build a rapport and trust, the child will start telling you things that the Social Worker had no idea about. Most of the abuse and damage is far more reaching than most would suspect.

As you can imagine, these years of damage leave many deep scars in tact. These scars are difficult to overcome! The hardest part is how do you teach a child to become an Over-comer rather than a Victim? How do you discipline a child that has been abused. Reason and logic have rarely been a part of their existence. Spanking will rekindle images of abuse. You feel trapped. You feel torn. You feel angry, anxious, betrayed, helpless, frustrated - most of all, you really want to meet up with the kid parents/caregivers and give them a taste of what they dished out on the child!

Of course, as they say, "The honeymoon period is over!" Even though you are providing a better atmosphere and place for the child, don't expect him to either notice or appreciate it! When you are disciplining the child, he will tell you that he wants to go back to where he came from. (Interestingly enough, even thought the the Egyptians were enslaving and killing the people of Israel, they still wanted to go back into bondage!) Doesn't make sense, does it? The people of Israel were afraid of the unknown. So are children coming out of foster care - they too are afraid of the unknown! They would rather go back to the abuse then have to deal with the unknown. For them, the world is a very unsafe, uncaring and unloving place. This is the result of sin in our world. How could anyone deny it?

In the meantime, I will keep praying and hoping for the day when Aaron gets healthy and our home becomes a more joyful place! Until then...