Relevant Irrelevancy

Who would have thought that teaching about ancient spiritual practices would have had such a profound impact on modern people? The truth of the matter is that most churches that attempt to be "relevant" typically forget to do things that the culture would think irrelevant. Yet, it is the very "irrelevant" practices, such as the spiritual disciplines we have been covering at The Orchard, that have the most profound impact. We typically spend so much time and effort focusing on "real life" teaching that we forget the spiritual IS the real life! It is in fact, more real than simply the physical life. Crush a man's spirit and you will crush the man! You can teach a man about the spirit. You can explain what a spirit is. Only the man who knows how to get in touch with his spirit will know what REAL life is. Every thing pours out of our spirit. (Seek first The Kingdom of God...) When we get in touch with what is real, what is relevant - the spiritual life - we begin to experience Real life. It is the spirit that sustains, gives life, and revives a person. It is also the spirit, when crushed, that drains life, beats a person down and even - when completely crushed - can lead to death.

Maybe what the "contemporary" Church needs to do is to look at some of the practices of the early Church. The Protestant Reformation brought about many needed changes. However, The Protestant Reformation - as time progressed - seems to have lost many of the early Church traditions. The loss of spiritual disciplines in The Church may be the very cause of the weakening of The Church in America. The testimonies of how the fast has effected people and their spiritual development has been wonderful. Next, we will be covering simplicity, solitude and developing an personal askesis. (Look the word up.) Can't wait to see what God continues to do the the "irrelevant" practices for relevant people!

Recovering Christmas In a Post-Christendom Culture

Reality is that we are really in a "Post-Christendom" society, not necessarily a "Post-Christian" culture. There is a big difference! To say "Post Christian" seems to give the impression that Christianity is dead. This is not true. What is dying a slow painful death is Christendom - the collusion of "Christianity as a religion and the State". I never thought I would say that I would want to see a separation of Church and State, but when I look to the scripture, Jesus is very clear when he says that His Kingdom is not of this world and that if it were, His followers would fight to prevent his arrest. I also look at times when Church and State were in collusion with each other and the outcomes were devastating, such as the various Inquisitions, persecution of Jews, the Crusades, etc., etc. People lament the fact that prayer was taken out of school but the question, and potential hypocrisy, is whether those same people are actually praying with their children in their own homes.

Another proof of the collusion of Church and State has been the fact that the Government is trying to dictate what can and cannot be mentioned in a pulpit of a Church. For instance, if a Pastor speaks about how homosexuality, according to scripture is wrong, there is the potential for that Pastor to be charged with a hate crime. If a Pastor endorses a particular candidate from the pulpit, the Pastor can possibly lose their "tax exemption" status. I am here to say that if I am called to speak truth to my congregation or if there is a candidate that has moral principles (or the antithesis), let the government pull my tax exemption. This is sort of like saying, "We will 'pay' you to keep you quiet!" This is simply WRONG!

On that note, I am going to say something that sounds diametrically opposed, but it is not. When we no longer have collusion between Church and State, genuine Christians will understand that we SIMPLY CANNOT impose Christian Standards on a non-Christian culture! This has been what most non-Christians complain about the most - and for good reason. Most so-called "Christians" do not live by Christian standards. This is where the charge of "hypocrisy" comes in! If God does not force Himself on His creation, why do we think as Christians we have to coerce others to live by Christian standards? What we DO need to get back to however is having Christians hold each other accountable to Christian standards if we really are going to follow Christ and be a light to a dark world.

The collusion of Church and State has also led to things like the commercialization of Christmas. Instead of Christianity being about the celebration of Christ's birth, the coming of salvation and the breaking of the heavenly kingdom into the world, it has come to be the buying of gifts in order to prop up a failing economy! We can not longer say, "Merry Christmas" for fear of being labeled, "Politically Incorrect". Now we have to say, "Happy Holidays!" Again, if someone says to me, "Happy Kwanza" or "Happy Hanuka", even if I am not African American or Jewish, should I really get upset over that? Only if I am insecure and immature! Why should I be offended?

So, here is my suggestion: Forget about the commercialized Christmas and celebrate the real reason for Christmas. Every day, I see the need for Christians to live in the world, but not be of the world. We must recover authentic Christianity and lose the Christendom! It is my belief, that for the most part and with a few exceptions, Christianity began to decline after the first 350 years after Christianity started to be in collusion with the State. Let's celebrate Christmas, not commercialism that is pushed by our culture!

The Irony of Liberal Sexuality

Make no mistake, the reality is that the liberal sexualization of the Americas (North America and Canada) is truly a spiritual battle, and it is a battle in every sense of the word. One would have to ask the question, "Why has there been such a highlight on the Catholic Church sex scandal?" While there are many reasons (the repulsion of the acts against children, the "cover ups", etc.), there really is only ONE reason why the Catholic Church has been targeted. That reason is that the Catholic Church is the ONLY Church that has a stated practice of "chastity and abstinence" for all single members of the Church - whether clergy or laity. THIS is the reason why the Catholic Church is under such attack. Think about it; hasn't sexual abuse occurred in Boy Scouts, schools (both secular and private), Protestant churches, government, recreational sports and events, foster care and many other child/youth oriented institutions and organizations? Certainly! We must also realize that when these horrible crimes occur, none of these organizations make a public proclamation that these things have occurred! Why? For the simple reason that they cannot afford to have that kind of publicity.

But what does this have to do with the cultural liberal slant of sexuality and the Catholic Church? The liberals are simply pointing to the "hypocrisy" of the Catholic church with a presupposition that no human being can remain sexually chaste. They laugh at the thought! The Catholic Church also takes a stand against homosexuality (as it cannot produce life), abortion (due to the fact that MOST abortions occur as a result of promiscuity and take life in the name of convenience) and other behaviors that are a result of liberal sexuality. This is what puts liberal sexuality and the Catholic church at odds. The liberal agenda is to bring down the Catholic church so they can say, "See, we told you how evil this organization is!"

The irony is that the only reason liberals want to bring down the Catholic Church is because it is the last beacon encouraging responsible and biblical sexuality. Whether members of the Catholic church (or any other organization - secular or sacred) can adhere to the principles does not mean that the principles themselves are flawed. It is the people that are flawed, not the principles! The liberals will point to the flaws of the people and then try to argue that the principles are flawed. Why would they do this? So that they can now argue for an "anything goes" mentality when it comes to sexuality. In other words, if they can bring down the keepers of the principles and standards, they can do whatever they please! It will not be long before those who oppose the Church (universal) will be participating in the very behaviors they supposedly abhor within the Catholic church.

This only makes sense. There is a movement already in our liberal, secular culture that is "pushing", not only for homosexuality to be accepted, but that it be celebrated! Think about all the "gay pride" parades. What is a parade? It is a celebration of itself. There are also agendas throughout our country wanting to continue lowering the age of consensual sex. Put the two together and what do you get? The advocated homo- and heterosexual abuse of children. Think that is impossible? In what other culture would an organization like NAMBLA be able to even exist? (NAMBLA is the North American Man/Boy Love Association). Liberals protect these types of organizations by saying that they too have the freedom to express themselves whether others agree with them or not. After all, we have to be a TOLERANT society! Really? So we are to tolerate the advocacy of child abuse? Think this is something that penetrates only a secular and liberal society? You would be wrong!

The reality is that, under the guise of tolerance, many "christian" organizations have brought into the lie of tolerance. I have not named this organization publicly prior to this blog, but I will now. When making an effort to start the 2nd ever "Rocketown" in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, I had several opportunities to visit Rocketown in Nashville, TN. Rocketown is a "ministry" that reaches out to the "hard core" de-churched and un-churched in urban areas and have bragged that other churches have tried to replicate what they do but have failed to do so. (There was quite a bit of pride in this statement.) I can understand why churches have failed to replicate. RT staff bragged about having a band come in called, "Mindless Self-Indulgence" and if you google their lyrics, you will find songs like, "Panty shot" where the lead singer professes - with no shame - his desire to molest a 5-year old girl. The song is graphic and this is just one of many songs! As a church, I would not want to replicate this model. RT staff also took me to "The Anchor" where they bragged of their 6-year relationship with a band they have been in ministry to. During both the songs and in between the songs, the band hollered obscenity's at the crowd of young people that would make a hard-core prison inmate blush. One RT staff member told me that the band "performs" this way because they are "angry"! I had to ask, after 6 years of being in ministry with this band, where is the change? This is how tolerance and liberalization are at a constant attack against the church.

I expect to be at odds with "the world" - as we should be! However, how in the world can we expect to "fight the world" when we can't even keep these things out of the Church? As Paul said, "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?" (1 Corinthians 5:12). In a twist to where you may not expect this blog to go, I am not advocating that we "fight the world"! What I am advocating is that we fight the penetration of "tolerance and liberalism" within the Church ALONE!!! When we begin to get a handle on the teachings and principles of the Gospel first within the Church, then maybe we can begin to have the integrity to take the fight outside the Church. I think we have digressed so far though that it may be a long time before we can ever take a look outside the Church! In the meantime, we need to - as THE Body of Christ - support those of us who take a stand for what is holy, pure and right inside the Church first! Let's forget about what the world is doing and get a grip on what The Church is doing and regain our own integrity. As the world gets darker through its embrace of tolerance and liberalism, and as the Church lives by The Gospel, the light of the Church will shine all the brighter and it will not be necessary for us to take the fight to the culture!

So the homosexual debate is continuing to come back to the spotlight. (As if it ever left.) Here are some of my thoughts on the issue:

This is an issue because I don't want to pay for the physical medical issues that come about from homosexual practices. (Not to get too gross, but such things as anal seepage have been documented in homosexual relationships and as a straight person having to pay for benefits to homosexual couples who have these and other health related issues is not at all fair!) Forget what people says about religious views. While EVERY major world religion speaks against homosexuality, nature itself speaks against it! The definition of life is that the organism must have metabolism, growth and REPRODUCTION! Homosexual couples cannot reproduce naturally on their own! So, even taking religion out of the picture, nature shows that it is very unnatural. Interestingly enough, yahoo in it's liberal slant makes it sound like there is now a majority of people supporting homosexual rights and yet later in the article it states that the vote was actually 50/50. How is that a majority? The problem is that liberals make decisions based on emotion - not fact. Five years ago, an erroneous statement was put out stating that homosexuality is genetic. This has been proven to be a false statement and not shown to be true, yet, because it was "put out there", the homosexual agenda has latched on to it as fact. There has not been one shred of genetic DNA proof. This is the liberalization of America with an agenda to "reeducate" upcoming generations. Let's make decisions based on facts - not emotion.

Now, on the other hand, we are called to love ALL people - no matter what decisions they make but that does not mean that we accept the decisions they make. For instance, I can love an alcoholic person, but I do not have to love what the alcoholic does! If he or she chooses to drink and not fight his or her addiction, I cannot in all good conscience support his or her decision to drink! This does not mean I do not love the person. Homosexuals will say, "Well, if you love me, you have to love everything about me!" This is a non-sense emotional argument. People do "wrong" things all the time. Loving a person and loving their actions are TWO DIFFERENT things! This is actually called "unconditional love". In other words, I can love you DESPITE poor choices!

I would encourage all people to think "beyond the emotion" and make educated decisions. Faith-based, science based or natural basis, there are too many angles that speak out against the practice of homosexuality. Human sexuality is also different from any other living creature in that our sexual practices also have a sense of morality tied to it. Other creatures seem to have sexual practices based on reproduction alone. The homosexual agenda would state that other creatures have practiced homosexuality - though there has been very little proof to show this as well. What makes humans different in their sexuality is not only the tie to morality, but the fact that we have a conscience and are not driven by impulse or instinct as other creatures are. These facts are what make us human. We can use logic and reason, not just impulse and instinct. The homosexual and liberal agendas have been trying for years to say that we are no different than any other animal. The fact that I can blog and use technology in such an "advanced" society, shows that human beings are much more intelligent and able to make moral decisions. The liberals continue their attack on humanity, a faith-based belief system and the family.

Good News?

When looking at and critiquing culture, it can be difficult to be positive. It seems that every now and then, some group of individuals say, "Okay, enough is enough." Yesterday I posted about a mother who escorted her daughter to a fight all the while "cheering her on". Yesterday apparently, so other moms took control and voiced concern over Katy Perry's low cut outfit that seemed a bit revealing, while on Sesame Street. This goes to show that PARENTS have a good deal of control on Television programming - at least those types of programs that are geared towards children.

GMA just did a piece on the usage of foul-language where toddlers as young as 2 are dropping the "F-bomb". They were quick to point out that, yes, children do hear these things on television - HOWEVER - the reality is that most children get their first (and consistent) hearing of foul language in the home. What do these two things have in common? Simple: Parents are STILL the primary influencers in their home. (Of course, as kids get older, other influences outside the home now have their attention. All the more reason for parents to STAY ACTIVELY involved in their child's life as he or she gets older.)

Most parents tend to "drop out" of their child's life progressively as he or she gets older believing that this is what helps the child achieve autonomy. Somehow we brought into this lie! The older the child gets, the more potentially life-impacting decisions the child is making. Without adult guidance from their primary influencers (parents), then of course, kids rely on other influences to make their decisions. Parents do not have to abdicate their responsibilities or rights to ANY other influence.

When parents do "what is right for the best interest of their child", we will begin to turn the tide on the systemic abandonment of our children! To those parents who are doing the right things, keep up the good work!

Systemic Abandonment Of Our Children - We Are LOSING our kids!

So, this morning during my second cup of coffee and my quiet time, I turned on the news and happened upon CBS doing a story about two teenage girls fighting. Not THAT unusual. It was not even THAT unusual (unfortunately), that it had been posted on Youtube. What made it "newsworthy" was the fact that the mother of one of the 16 year-old girl brawlers not only escorted her daughter TO THE FIGHT among a myriad of teenagers, but she was ENCOURAGING her daughter while fighting. She had NO regard for either of the girls getting hurt. The media made it sound like this was the issue and that the mother was living vicariously through her daughter.

The reality is that the REAL issue is much, much deeper! The REAL issue is that our culture and a good number of parents are systemically abandoning their children by not teaching them the difference between right and wrong, how to make wise choices or equipping them with any type of moral compass. The moral compass in America, in the National Psyche, for the most part, is broken! The sad thing is that this is not the first time we have heard of this happening! It is as if America refuses to look in the mirror at itself and while this happens, our children are continually sacrificed on the altar of "self-actualization".

If it is indeed true, as statistics and social scientists seem to be finding, that the age of adolescence now encompasses the 11 to 29 year-old demographic, we inevitably have to ask the question, "When will America grow up and mature?" It seems that every institution is breaking down in America. Financial CEO's have become corrupt, politicians are corrupt, political parties are becoming more and more polarized (at the expense of the American people), we heard the stories of the Catholic Church, we are hearing more local stories of Protestant mega-church Pastors being sexually and financially irresponsible, male and female teachers are having sex with students, parents are escorting their children to fights and videotaping it for all the world to see... When will the madness stop? (Even on the political scene, while I am not a "Tea Party" person, derogatory language of "teabagger" is used by adults on Yahoo to express their opinions. They don't seem to care that teenagers - who know what this term means - will be reading this!)

This is the definition of systemic abandonment: every institution, that was designed to care for the well-being of our society - and especially for the well-being of our children - are sacrificing our children on the altar of agendas of personal, corporate and selfish pursuits! PLEASE re-read the statement above and let it sink in! If you can HONESTLY say this is not true, please express to me how it is not true.

This has come about because these very institutions no longer communicate with each other (for the most part). A county Parks and Recreations doesn't seem to communicate with the Public School, Public Schools certainly (for the most part) don't seem to communicate with local Churches. (Understandably, we can't even get local churches to communicate with each other and work together because of our own agenda driven dogmas!) We have "shallow" partnerships that work as long as it propagates OUR agenda. In the meantime, it is our kids that lose!

We have GOT TO break the cycle of immaturity in America and the only thing that will do that is a sense of accountability toward a moral and ethical standard that will nurture our kids themselves into maturity. It will take every parent FIRST to do so in the home and then societal organizations have got to quit undermining what is happening in the home. It goes all the way from the smallest family unit to the Government! We have got to wake up and start putting our kids a lot higher on our priorities! Not the agendas, not the nice house, the nice cars, all the toys, all our unrealistic expectations - nothing else (besides God) should come first! Raise up healthy children and you will raise up a health country!

American Culture, Institutions and Individualism

It seems that the loudest cry in our culture at this time is for individual "rights". While some of these pursuits are cloaked under a pretense of seeking rights as a larger group, the reality is that the group is comprised of individuals seeking those rights and they gather together for strength in numbers in order to rally and politicize the call for their rights. We also live in a culture where it seems to not matter at what cost these rights come. While many would think that we are coming into a "Post-modern" period of time in our culture, this is actually an accentuation of the "modern" way of thinking. Modernity was all about the rights of individuals and the ability to "reason". Modernity was about breaking away from any sense of governmental (or any other authority) control. People of the Renaissance saw the need to be able to think and reason beyond the authorities of the Church and State - and in some ways, this was a really good thing. There began to develop a new sense of personal freedom. While there was a surge of freedoms with the birth of modernity, there was still a sense of accountability. In post-modernity, it seems that the push is for more freedoms and even less accountability. Post-modernity is about a push for individual freedoms without an accountability to any type of authority beyond the "self". This is reflected by the thinking, "Do whatever feels good to/for you, as long as you don't harm anyone else." The problem with this line of thinking is that we are not always aware of how our behaviors harm others. The next logical step in this direction of thinking is, "Do whatever feels good to/for you and try not to harm anyone else," then digresses to, "Do whatever feels good to/for you and it is someone else's fault if they get hurt."

How does this way of thinking come about? While I am far from an expert on this matter, I think one has to look at history. While institutions such as the Church and Monarchs were patrons to the arts and eduction during the Renaissance, this patronage came at a cost. (While there were other institutions, these were the most powerful ones). These institutions expected a degree of loyalty from those they patronized. The problem came about when these institutions continued to grow in power and become corrupt. This corruption lead to a breaking away from these institutions and they were often very violent. First there were religious wars during the Protestant Reformation (1517 - 1648 - approximately 130 years) where the modern mindset sought to free itself from "the shackles" of the institutional Church in the West and then, around this time (1620) this pursuit of religious freedom began the founding of the American colonies. Don't miss this because it is important! It was not long after this the American Revolution occurs. From the "Pilgrims" until the revolutionary war, there is about a 156 year period of time and remember that there is a 2 generation overlap from the Protestant Reformation and arrival at the Americas. Can you see the pattern? Due to corruption in the Church, there was a breakaway from the religious institution. Due to corruption in the government, there was a breakaway from the government institution. One (relatively) quickly happened after the other. All of this occurred under the pursuit of "freedom". (The mantra of America has become the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.) I am not making a judgment of "right or wrong" here, it simply was what it was and there were both great benefits but also the opening of Pandora's box.

Why do I go over this history? I think the mistake many people make is to think that modernity has died and we are waiting for the next phase of humanity and society. We are continuing to see a similar pattern in the West of the corruption of the institution of the church (lower case "c" because in this case it is the human church) due to clergy sex scandals (both in the Catholic and Protestant churches), financial corruption within the clergy, and a general prevailing wind of distrust of people and the church. The church, as during the Protestant Reformation, has lost it's authority due to it's corruption. Now, we see this corruption in the government and financial institutions. We are at a point in history of America where two major institutions are severely distrusted by the people. This propagates a call for "freedom from the institutions". (See the blatant Freedom From Religion Foundation ( www.ffrf.org )). This brings us to the direction we are now going where there is a cry for even greater individual freedoms but living in a culture that has little sense of personal or corporate accountability. Do you see the danger? Do the institutions need to change? Absolutely, there is no doubt! The problem is that if change comes without accountability, there is a great propensity for violent change!

The ironic thing is that these institutions were supposed to hold each other accountable. Government (laws), Church (morality) and Industry (provision) were supposed to keep each other in check and on track for the benefit of society. The downfall happens when each branch is becomes separated and corrupt and does not hold each other accountable. Groups that push "rights" (whether ffrf or gay rights movements) become the catalysts of change at just the right time recognizing the corruptness of the institutions so they can ride the winds of change and grow in power and authority. Remember, where there is a vacuum in leadership, other leadership rise up in that vacuum. It is the perfect storm and it is very complicated.

Now, compare and contrast that with the mantra of America (pursuit of life, liberty and happiness) to the mandates of Christ. Secular humanism touts the pursuit of life whereas Jesus says, "Anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it." Jesus gives REAL life! Secular humanism espouses (human) liberties. Jesus (and Paul) advocate being a servant (Paul claims to be a slave to Christ). Secular humanism promotes happiness, Jesus was "a man of sorrow" but more than that, offers something deeper and longer lasting than happiness - joy (and peace). Secular humanism pushes the individual and his or her pursuit of "freedoms" - even if it is at the cost of the institutions. What they fail in their task to do is to see the long-term effects and damage of this way of thinking, for if you overthrow the "institutions", you overthrow the society in order to pursue individual liberties and chaos ensues. For all their imperfections, throwing out the baby with the bath will cause more suffering in the long haul. Other "institutions" will naturally arise if the humanist approach has it's way, but it will not be long before those too are corrupt because what humanism fails to take into account is the brokenness of humanity that will be reflected in ANY institution. The humanists have failed to take into account that one of the rebellions against modernity is the recognition that science and human reason alone have failed to cure what ails them.

The Truth About Youth Ministry

In my studies, I have just finished reading in it's entirety, "Hurt: Inside The World of Today's Teenagers" by Dr. Chap Clark - a must read for ANYBODY working with adolescents! It is a great commentary on the systemic abandonment of our young people. Here are some very realistic quotes about the state of The Church and how it handles youth ministry (at least in America):

In light of programming typically taking precedence over relationships due to the fact that programs are easier to measure while relationships are not.

"The reality, however, is that often the demands and expectations of executing a program become the central driving focus. It takes little for a mid-adolescent to feel as though the program matters more than he or she does. This creates a crisis in youth ministry: Once students begin to see youth ministry in the same light as other institutions that have abandoned them, it becomes something to experience only in inauthentic layers if at all."

And...

"Youth ministry is often concerned with numerical growth, superficial and instant response, and active attendance, making it more about the ministry than about the individual."

And...

"As a result, students are the prime leaders in almost every aspect of youth ministry, from leading small groups to choosing curricula to leading worship and teaching. This philosophy sounds empowering, but it is an ineffective approach."

And...

"The philosophy that leaves youth ministry solely in the hands of students says, 'You don't need adults to make a difference, you just need adults to give you the resources and the encouragement to go out there and to it yourself.' But this communicates to adolescents, 'I do not have the time or the ability to reach your world.'"

After spending 25 years in youth ministry, I have found these comments to be spot on! Authentic relationships have been sacrificed on the altar of numerical and programmatic growth. Success has been measured in numbers (easy to measure) rather than relationships and change of the heart (difficult to measure). It could be argued, by those who truly do not have their thumbs on the pulse of American adolescents AND youth ministry in America, that these observations are oversimplification. The proof is in the pudding however, so to speak. The truth is revealed in the simple fact that, for the most part, the hearts of young people have not been changed for the long-haul and this is why the Church in America is declining. Relationships communicate care, programs communicate agendas. The agendas of adults in the lives of adolescents becomes a point of distrust between adolescents and adults that are supposed to care for them. This is an indicator of the systemic abandonment Dr. Clark speaks of in his book that shows that too many adults have become preoccupied with agendas for young people rather than nurturing them. Programs (youth sports, schools, meritocratic measurements of academics, extra-curricular activities, church programs, etc.) have all become pre-occupied with children as "producers and achievers" rather than focusing on what the programs were originally designed for: nurturing our young people!

I don't know how I could ever go about doing this, but I have seen the difference an intentional mentor (partnering with other individuals and organizations) can make in the life of a young person. What would it take for the Church in particular to provide this type of mentoring and nurturing for as many young people as possible? How visionary would it be to have a church that would have the vision of a Youth Pastor whose primary mission would be to invest in young people relationally first and programmatically second? This is a great challenge!

A friend and colleague of mine, who also works in the public school, reminded me that each school system operates differently. This is true. My comments were made as a generalization and research done on the "broader" spectrum of education overall. Thanks for the insight of my friend. Taking the observations away from simply one institution and basing observations on multiple institutions (school, families, church, sports, etc.), our kids are stressed out due to busyness and an overall sense of "abandonment" by our culture as a whole. For several years I have noticed a trend that is a bit of an oxymoron - we have a culture where on the one hand, kids are incredibly spoiled and on the other hand, they are very neglected.

Another observation that I cannot reiterate enough is that our kids are very much kept busy in the name of "keeping them out of trouble". The mistake parents are making with this mentality is that kids don't need to be kept busy to stay out of trouble, they need parents who are going to be involved in their child's life! Kids that begin to get frazzled and stressed will look for ways to "blow steam" and escape. In our efforts to keep our kids busy and out of trouble, how much time are we as parents forfeiting that should be spent with our kids? Here is a good question to challenge all of us: "When was the last time you sat around the dinner table as a family together?" It used to be that being around the dinner table was more the norm rather than the exception. Now, being around the table is the exception rather than the norm. There is something emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically reassuring about sharing a meal together! In other words, this essential bonding that can happen around a meal becomes the exception rather than the norm.

Our families should be a safe and restful place to come back to. We want this as adults, why wouldn't our kids want that as well? Our homes don't need to be places of perfection, but they should offer something better than what our busy culture offers. Parents need to be place of safety, the shield - if you will - where your kids can come back to and not have to deal with stress.

Another thought, or "skill" that has helped me in dealing with conflicts, as well as to give praise, is to have "knee-to-knee" conversations. What this does is put me at an eye-to-eye conversation with the child rather than a dominating/intimidating position. (Don't get me wrong, sometimes "correction" takes a more dominant position.) The other thing it does is establishes a "bond" between myself and the child. Admittedly, if this is a difficult or conflictual situation, I have to wait until any emotion settles down, however, the knee-to-knee conversations can take away any potential "flaring tempers".

Finally, I have to note that I would NEVER claim to be make a perfect or better parent than most parents out there. We simply have to do our best and I know I will make mistakes. These thoughts are simply ones that have come to me through research/study, working at a Children's home, 25 years of youth/family ministry, mentoring and observation. I am sure the minute I have my own child(ren), I will become the imperfect family. (I do wonder what people would say to Jesus if he had commentaries on raising children, considering he had no "biological" children of his own - technically.)

Hurting Our Youth

It seems that for too long now, families have been under assault. Social Scientists have studied and commented on it, and yet we live in a culture where "facts are ignored" for the sake of convenience and selfishness. Too many adults are so consumed with their own lives that their kids suffer. (Again, this is not just my opinion, this has been statistically analyzed and recorded. For an example of this, read Dr. Chap Clark's "Hurt - Inside The World Of Today's Teenagers" as just one example.)

Parents and American society do not want to admit this, but rampant divorce is killing our kids! No longer do parents stick together "for the sake of the children". It seems now that parents get divorced for every reason under the sun except for the two most acceptable ones - abuse and infidelity (the two are very often linked together). We have people getting married because they do not understand the sanctity of human life and the sanctity of marriage vows. They usually get married to escape the very hurts that are now being perpetuated upon their children. People usually get into relationships to try to "heal" past hurts - whether it is some type of abuse or abandonment, people are looking to fill the void in their hearts and lives through relationships that are often just as dysfunctional in the long run. This then is perpetuated upon their kids.

Young people today have been systemically (not to be confused with systematically) abandoned. They have been abandoned by their parents who are too consumed with their own agendas and "pursuit of happiness" and living vicariously through their children to schools whose agendas are driven by performance and meritocratic systems that reward those above average, type-cast those who are below average and leave the majority of "average" children to academically fend for themselves. Before we let this group off the hook, Churches have also been guilty of subjecting kids to their agendas of making sure the youth group grows, developing adult driven programs and making kids "fit" into the DNA of the Church all the while never asking kids what they want! Between parents, schools, athletics, Church and other organizations - all expecting different performance results from each child - it is no wonder that kids are stressed out, living multiple (and often conflicting) identities, compartmentalizing their lives and building walls of protection around them. It is no wonder adults say, "Our kids just won't talk to us!"

The question then becomes, "How can we fix what we have obviously so screwed up?" First, in my humble opinion, we have got to throw out the idiotic mentality that, "It takes a village to raise a child!" This is such nonsense for many reasons.

1. It puts a subconscious mentality that "somebody else" will partner with me in raising my child which then leads to abandoning our own responsibilities. "After all," we think, "aren't the 'experts' better equipped to handle this area of my child's life?" The simple answer is "NO!" No one else should have your child's best interests at heart than YOU because you know your child better than anyone else. There is also a big difference between seeking out additional help but you integrating that input into your family life and having some 'expert' try to fix your child. What if, for instance the 'expert' you turn to in the village is the village idiot?

2. The village is not meant to raise your child - YOU are! It doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes to good responsible parents! The village should only be there to help give resources hold parents accountable. This, too, is different from the village raising the child! The problem is we have brought into the lie of big government and governmental education that would have us believe that they know what is best for our children. You may not be an expert in all things raising children, but you are an expert on your child! The village should supply resources, not raise your child.

3. As it can be seen by 1 & 2, the village only has the best interest of the village in mind - not the best interest of your child. Not to get too poignant, but again, look at our current public education system that has told us that they know what is best for our children on everything from sexuality (public schools wanting to teach kindergartners sex-education and advocating for homosexuality as a "normal-alternative" (two contradictory terms) choice of lifestyle and handing out condoms) to academics (where the average child is left behind) and students who "excel" typically have 4 hours of homework a night and are expected to have hundreds of hours of community service AND participate in extra-curricular activities in order to be accepted leaving little time for spiritual development. Is this truly what we want to abdicate our children too?

4. A village typically (in America) perpetuates busyness and our culture continues to create children that are hurried (David Elkin - "The Hurried Child"), stressed, dysfunctional, untrusting and overall, unhealthy! Parents have brought into the lie that keeping our kids busy will keep them out of trouble. Have we ever thought that busyness will cause our kids to eventually breakdown and want to escape the hectic lifestyle we push on them? Have we ever thought that the escape might be into a world of drugs, alcohol or premarital sex because they want someone to except them for who they are, not because they are a stressed out over-achiever? How far can we push our kids before they crack? Parents, how far can you be pushed before you crack? We cannot live vicariously through our children pushing them to achieve what we were not able to achieve. They will shut down and not communicate because they know that we will not be able to see beyond our own selfish agendas.

5. We live in a culture that can no longer define the term "family" and yet we want the culture (the village) to raise our children?

We wonder why our kids don't talk to us. Here is the simple hard truth: they don't trust us because we have not earned their trust. We no longer live in a day when trust and respect are simply "given". This, unfortunately has spilled over into our homes. Our village has taught our kids that trust and respect are earned. Our kids don't trust us because we can't see beyond our own agendas. Our kids don't trust us because they can't see beyond our agendas and they know that our agendas keep us from listening to them.

This may appear to be a scathing post, but unless empirical data can be shown to the contrary, we must take a look at how we are treating our children! Empirical data has show exactly what has been laid out in this post: our kids are hurting and few seem to be listening. Data aside, do a gut check and ask the question, "Is something wrong in our culture and how we connect with kids and how kids connect with us?" An honest answer would have to be, "Yes, now how do we fix it?"