Good News?

When looking at and critiquing culture, it can be difficult to be positive. It seems that every now and then, some group of individuals say, "Okay, enough is enough." Yesterday I posted about a mother who escorted her daughter to a fight all the while "cheering her on". Yesterday apparently, so other moms took control and voiced concern over Katy Perry's low cut outfit that seemed a bit revealing, while on Sesame Street. This goes to show that PARENTS have a good deal of control on Television programming - at least those types of programs that are geared towards children.

GMA just did a piece on the usage of foul-language where toddlers as young as 2 are dropping the "F-bomb". They were quick to point out that, yes, children do hear these things on television - HOWEVER - the reality is that most children get their first (and consistent) hearing of foul language in the home. What do these two things have in common? Simple: Parents are STILL the primary influencers in their home. (Of course, as kids get older, other influences outside the home now have their attention. All the more reason for parents to STAY ACTIVELY involved in their child's life as he or she gets older.)

Most parents tend to "drop out" of their child's life progressively as he or she gets older believing that this is what helps the child achieve autonomy. Somehow we brought into this lie! The older the child gets, the more potentially life-impacting decisions the child is making. Without adult guidance from their primary influencers (parents), then of course, kids rely on other influences to make their decisions. Parents do not have to abdicate their responsibilities or rights to ANY other influence.

When parents do "what is right for the best interest of their child", we will begin to turn the tide on the systemic abandonment of our children! To those parents who are doing the right things, keep up the good work!

Systemic Abandonment Of Our Children - We Are LOSING our kids!

So, this morning during my second cup of coffee and my quiet time, I turned on the news and happened upon CBS doing a story about two teenage girls fighting. Not THAT unusual. It was not even THAT unusual (unfortunately), that it had been posted on Youtube. What made it "newsworthy" was the fact that the mother of one of the 16 year-old girl brawlers not only escorted her daughter TO THE FIGHT among a myriad of teenagers, but she was ENCOURAGING her daughter while fighting. She had NO regard for either of the girls getting hurt. The media made it sound like this was the issue and that the mother was living vicariously through her daughter.

The reality is that the REAL issue is much, much deeper! The REAL issue is that our culture and a good number of parents are systemically abandoning their children by not teaching them the difference between right and wrong, how to make wise choices or equipping them with any type of moral compass. The moral compass in America, in the National Psyche, for the most part, is broken! The sad thing is that this is not the first time we have heard of this happening! It is as if America refuses to look in the mirror at itself and while this happens, our children are continually sacrificed on the altar of "self-actualization".

If it is indeed true, as statistics and social scientists seem to be finding, that the age of adolescence now encompasses the 11 to 29 year-old demographic, we inevitably have to ask the question, "When will America grow up and mature?" It seems that every institution is breaking down in America. Financial CEO's have become corrupt, politicians are corrupt, political parties are becoming more and more polarized (at the expense of the American people), we heard the stories of the Catholic Church, we are hearing more local stories of Protestant mega-church Pastors being sexually and financially irresponsible, male and female teachers are having sex with students, parents are escorting their children to fights and videotaping it for all the world to see... When will the madness stop? (Even on the political scene, while I am not a "Tea Party" person, derogatory language of "teabagger" is used by adults on Yahoo to express their opinions. They don't seem to care that teenagers - who know what this term means - will be reading this!)

This is the definition of systemic abandonment: every institution, that was designed to care for the well-being of our society - and especially for the well-being of our children - are sacrificing our children on the altar of agendas of personal, corporate and selfish pursuits! PLEASE re-read the statement above and let it sink in! If you can HONESTLY say this is not true, please express to me how it is not true.

This has come about because these very institutions no longer communicate with each other (for the most part). A county Parks and Recreations doesn't seem to communicate with the Public School, Public Schools certainly (for the most part) don't seem to communicate with local Churches. (Understandably, we can't even get local churches to communicate with each other and work together because of our own agenda driven dogmas!) We have "shallow" partnerships that work as long as it propagates OUR agenda. In the meantime, it is our kids that lose!

We have GOT TO break the cycle of immaturity in America and the only thing that will do that is a sense of accountability toward a moral and ethical standard that will nurture our kids themselves into maturity. It will take every parent FIRST to do so in the home and then societal organizations have got to quit undermining what is happening in the home. It goes all the way from the smallest family unit to the Government! We have got to wake up and start putting our kids a lot higher on our priorities! Not the agendas, not the nice house, the nice cars, all the toys, all our unrealistic expectations - nothing else (besides God) should come first! Raise up healthy children and you will raise up a health country!

American Culture, Institutions and Individualism

It seems that the loudest cry in our culture at this time is for individual "rights". While some of these pursuits are cloaked under a pretense of seeking rights as a larger group, the reality is that the group is comprised of individuals seeking those rights and they gather together for strength in numbers in order to rally and politicize the call for their rights. We also live in a culture where it seems to not matter at what cost these rights come. While many would think that we are coming into a "Post-modern" period of time in our culture, this is actually an accentuation of the "modern" way of thinking. Modernity was all about the rights of individuals and the ability to "reason". Modernity was about breaking away from any sense of governmental (or any other authority) control. People of the Renaissance saw the need to be able to think and reason beyond the authorities of the Church and State - and in some ways, this was a really good thing. There began to develop a new sense of personal freedom. While there was a surge of freedoms with the birth of modernity, there was still a sense of accountability. In post-modernity, it seems that the push is for more freedoms and even less accountability. Post-modernity is about a push for individual freedoms without an accountability to any type of authority beyond the "self". This is reflected by the thinking, "Do whatever feels good to/for you, as long as you don't harm anyone else." The problem with this line of thinking is that we are not always aware of how our behaviors harm others. The next logical step in this direction of thinking is, "Do whatever feels good to/for you and try not to harm anyone else," then digresses to, "Do whatever feels good to/for you and it is someone else's fault if they get hurt."

How does this way of thinking come about? While I am far from an expert on this matter, I think one has to look at history. While institutions such as the Church and Monarchs were patrons to the arts and eduction during the Renaissance, this patronage came at a cost. (While there were other institutions, these were the most powerful ones). These institutions expected a degree of loyalty from those they patronized. The problem came about when these institutions continued to grow in power and become corrupt. This corruption lead to a breaking away from these institutions and they were often very violent. First there were religious wars during the Protestant Reformation (1517 - 1648 - approximately 130 years) where the modern mindset sought to free itself from "the shackles" of the institutional Church in the West and then, around this time (1620) this pursuit of religious freedom began the founding of the American colonies. Don't miss this because it is important! It was not long after this the American Revolution occurs. From the "Pilgrims" until the revolutionary war, there is about a 156 year period of time and remember that there is a 2 generation overlap from the Protestant Reformation and arrival at the Americas. Can you see the pattern? Due to corruption in the Church, there was a breakaway from the religious institution. Due to corruption in the government, there was a breakaway from the government institution. One (relatively) quickly happened after the other. All of this occurred under the pursuit of "freedom". (The mantra of America has become the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.) I am not making a judgment of "right or wrong" here, it simply was what it was and there were both great benefits but also the opening of Pandora's box.

Why do I go over this history? I think the mistake many people make is to think that modernity has died and we are waiting for the next phase of humanity and society. We are continuing to see a similar pattern in the West of the corruption of the institution of the church (lower case "c" because in this case it is the human church) due to clergy sex scandals (both in the Catholic and Protestant churches), financial corruption within the clergy, and a general prevailing wind of distrust of people and the church. The church, as during the Protestant Reformation, has lost it's authority due to it's corruption. Now, we see this corruption in the government and financial institutions. We are at a point in history of America where two major institutions are severely distrusted by the people. This propagates a call for "freedom from the institutions". (See the blatant Freedom From Religion Foundation ( www.ffrf.org )). This brings us to the direction we are now going where there is a cry for even greater individual freedoms but living in a culture that has little sense of personal or corporate accountability. Do you see the danger? Do the institutions need to change? Absolutely, there is no doubt! The problem is that if change comes without accountability, there is a great propensity for violent change!

The ironic thing is that these institutions were supposed to hold each other accountable. Government (laws), Church (morality) and Industry (provision) were supposed to keep each other in check and on track for the benefit of society. The downfall happens when each branch is becomes separated and corrupt and does not hold each other accountable. Groups that push "rights" (whether ffrf or gay rights movements) become the catalysts of change at just the right time recognizing the corruptness of the institutions so they can ride the winds of change and grow in power and authority. Remember, where there is a vacuum in leadership, other leadership rise up in that vacuum. It is the perfect storm and it is very complicated.

Now, compare and contrast that with the mantra of America (pursuit of life, liberty and happiness) to the mandates of Christ. Secular humanism touts the pursuit of life whereas Jesus says, "Anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it." Jesus gives REAL life! Secular humanism espouses (human) liberties. Jesus (and Paul) advocate being a servant (Paul claims to be a slave to Christ). Secular humanism promotes happiness, Jesus was "a man of sorrow" but more than that, offers something deeper and longer lasting than happiness - joy (and peace). Secular humanism pushes the individual and his or her pursuit of "freedoms" - even if it is at the cost of the institutions. What they fail in their task to do is to see the long-term effects and damage of this way of thinking, for if you overthrow the "institutions", you overthrow the society in order to pursue individual liberties and chaos ensues. For all their imperfections, throwing out the baby with the bath will cause more suffering in the long haul. Other "institutions" will naturally arise if the humanist approach has it's way, but it will not be long before those too are corrupt because what humanism fails to take into account is the brokenness of humanity that will be reflected in ANY institution. The humanists have failed to take into account that one of the rebellions against modernity is the recognition that science and human reason alone have failed to cure what ails them.

The Truth About Youth Ministry

In my studies, I have just finished reading in it's entirety, "Hurt: Inside The World of Today's Teenagers" by Dr. Chap Clark - a must read for ANYBODY working with adolescents! It is a great commentary on the systemic abandonment of our young people. Here are some very realistic quotes about the state of The Church and how it handles youth ministry (at least in America):

In light of programming typically taking precedence over relationships due to the fact that programs are easier to measure while relationships are not.

"The reality, however, is that often the demands and expectations of executing a program become the central driving focus. It takes little for a mid-adolescent to feel as though the program matters more than he or she does. This creates a crisis in youth ministry: Once students begin to see youth ministry in the same light as other institutions that have abandoned them, it becomes something to experience only in inauthentic layers if at all."

And...

"Youth ministry is often concerned with numerical growth, superficial and instant response, and active attendance, making it more about the ministry than about the individual."

And...

"As a result, students are the prime leaders in almost every aspect of youth ministry, from leading small groups to choosing curricula to leading worship and teaching. This philosophy sounds empowering, but it is an ineffective approach."

And...

"The philosophy that leaves youth ministry solely in the hands of students says, 'You don't need adults to make a difference, you just need adults to give you the resources and the encouragement to go out there and to it yourself.' But this communicates to adolescents, 'I do not have the time or the ability to reach your world.'"

After spending 25 years in youth ministry, I have found these comments to be spot on! Authentic relationships have been sacrificed on the altar of numerical and programmatic growth. Success has been measured in numbers (easy to measure) rather than relationships and change of the heart (difficult to measure). It could be argued, by those who truly do not have their thumbs on the pulse of American adolescents AND youth ministry in America, that these observations are oversimplification. The proof is in the pudding however, so to speak. The truth is revealed in the simple fact that, for the most part, the hearts of young people have not been changed for the long-haul and this is why the Church in America is declining. Relationships communicate care, programs communicate agendas. The agendas of adults in the lives of adolescents becomes a point of distrust between adolescents and adults that are supposed to care for them. This is an indicator of the systemic abandonment Dr. Clark speaks of in his book that shows that too many adults have become preoccupied with agendas for young people rather than nurturing them. Programs (youth sports, schools, meritocratic measurements of academics, extra-curricular activities, church programs, etc.) have all become pre-occupied with children as "producers and achievers" rather than focusing on what the programs were originally designed for: nurturing our young people!

I don't know how I could ever go about doing this, but I have seen the difference an intentional mentor (partnering with other individuals and organizations) can make in the life of a young person. What would it take for the Church in particular to provide this type of mentoring and nurturing for as many young people as possible? How visionary would it be to have a church that would have the vision of a Youth Pastor whose primary mission would be to invest in young people relationally first and programmatically second? This is a great challenge!

A friend and colleague of mine, who also works in the public school, reminded me that each school system operates differently. This is true. My comments were made as a generalization and research done on the "broader" spectrum of education overall. Thanks for the insight of my friend. Taking the observations away from simply one institution and basing observations on multiple institutions (school, families, church, sports, etc.), our kids are stressed out due to busyness and an overall sense of "abandonment" by our culture as a whole. For several years I have noticed a trend that is a bit of an oxymoron - we have a culture where on the one hand, kids are incredibly spoiled and on the other hand, they are very neglected.

Another observation that I cannot reiterate enough is that our kids are very much kept busy in the name of "keeping them out of trouble". The mistake parents are making with this mentality is that kids don't need to be kept busy to stay out of trouble, they need parents who are going to be involved in their child's life! Kids that begin to get frazzled and stressed will look for ways to "blow steam" and escape. In our efforts to keep our kids busy and out of trouble, how much time are we as parents forfeiting that should be spent with our kids? Here is a good question to challenge all of us: "When was the last time you sat around the dinner table as a family together?" It used to be that being around the dinner table was more the norm rather than the exception. Now, being around the table is the exception rather than the norm. There is something emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically reassuring about sharing a meal together! In other words, this essential bonding that can happen around a meal becomes the exception rather than the norm.

Our families should be a safe and restful place to come back to. We want this as adults, why wouldn't our kids want that as well? Our homes don't need to be places of perfection, but they should offer something better than what our busy culture offers. Parents need to be place of safety, the shield - if you will - where your kids can come back to and not have to deal with stress.

Another thought, or "skill" that has helped me in dealing with conflicts, as well as to give praise, is to have "knee-to-knee" conversations. What this does is put me at an eye-to-eye conversation with the child rather than a dominating/intimidating position. (Don't get me wrong, sometimes "correction" takes a more dominant position.) The other thing it does is establishes a "bond" between myself and the child. Admittedly, if this is a difficult or conflictual situation, I have to wait until any emotion settles down, however, the knee-to-knee conversations can take away any potential "flaring tempers".

Finally, I have to note that I would NEVER claim to be make a perfect or better parent than most parents out there. We simply have to do our best and I know I will make mistakes. These thoughts are simply ones that have come to me through research/study, working at a Children's home, 25 years of youth/family ministry, mentoring and observation. I am sure the minute I have my own child(ren), I will become the imperfect family. (I do wonder what people would say to Jesus if he had commentaries on raising children, considering he had no "biological" children of his own - technically.)

Hurting Our Youth

It seems that for too long now, families have been under assault. Social Scientists have studied and commented on it, and yet we live in a culture where "facts are ignored" for the sake of convenience and selfishness. Too many adults are so consumed with their own lives that their kids suffer. (Again, this is not just my opinion, this has been statistically analyzed and recorded. For an example of this, read Dr. Chap Clark's "Hurt - Inside The World Of Today's Teenagers" as just one example.)

Parents and American society do not want to admit this, but rampant divorce is killing our kids! No longer do parents stick together "for the sake of the children". It seems now that parents get divorced for every reason under the sun except for the two most acceptable ones - abuse and infidelity (the two are very often linked together). We have people getting married because they do not understand the sanctity of human life and the sanctity of marriage vows. They usually get married to escape the very hurts that are now being perpetuated upon their children. People usually get into relationships to try to "heal" past hurts - whether it is some type of abuse or abandonment, people are looking to fill the void in their hearts and lives through relationships that are often just as dysfunctional in the long run. This then is perpetuated upon their kids.

Young people today have been systemically (not to be confused with systematically) abandoned. They have been abandoned by their parents who are too consumed with their own agendas and "pursuit of happiness" and living vicariously through their children to schools whose agendas are driven by performance and meritocratic systems that reward those above average, type-cast those who are below average and leave the majority of "average" children to academically fend for themselves. Before we let this group off the hook, Churches have also been guilty of subjecting kids to their agendas of making sure the youth group grows, developing adult driven programs and making kids "fit" into the DNA of the Church all the while never asking kids what they want! Between parents, schools, athletics, Church and other organizations - all expecting different performance results from each child - it is no wonder that kids are stressed out, living multiple (and often conflicting) identities, compartmentalizing their lives and building walls of protection around them. It is no wonder adults say, "Our kids just won't talk to us!"

The question then becomes, "How can we fix what we have obviously so screwed up?" First, in my humble opinion, we have got to throw out the idiotic mentality that, "It takes a village to raise a child!" This is such nonsense for many reasons.

1. It puts a subconscious mentality that "somebody else" will partner with me in raising my child which then leads to abandoning our own responsibilities. "After all," we think, "aren't the 'experts' better equipped to handle this area of my child's life?" The simple answer is "NO!" No one else should have your child's best interests at heart than YOU because you know your child better than anyone else. There is also a big difference between seeking out additional help but you integrating that input into your family life and having some 'expert' try to fix your child. What if, for instance the 'expert' you turn to in the village is the village idiot?

2. The village is not meant to raise your child - YOU are! It doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes to good responsible parents! The village should only be there to help give resources hold parents accountable. This, too, is different from the village raising the child! The problem is we have brought into the lie of big government and governmental education that would have us believe that they know what is best for our children. You may not be an expert in all things raising children, but you are an expert on your child! The village should supply resources, not raise your child.

3. As it can be seen by 1 & 2, the village only has the best interest of the village in mind - not the best interest of your child. Not to get too poignant, but again, look at our current public education system that has told us that they know what is best for our children on everything from sexuality (public schools wanting to teach kindergartners sex-education and advocating for homosexuality as a "normal-alternative" (two contradictory terms) choice of lifestyle and handing out condoms) to academics (where the average child is left behind) and students who "excel" typically have 4 hours of homework a night and are expected to have hundreds of hours of community service AND participate in extra-curricular activities in order to be accepted leaving little time for spiritual development. Is this truly what we want to abdicate our children too?

4. A village typically (in America) perpetuates busyness and our culture continues to create children that are hurried (David Elkin - "The Hurried Child"), stressed, dysfunctional, untrusting and overall, unhealthy! Parents have brought into the lie that keeping our kids busy will keep them out of trouble. Have we ever thought that busyness will cause our kids to eventually breakdown and want to escape the hectic lifestyle we push on them? Have we ever thought that the escape might be into a world of drugs, alcohol or premarital sex because they want someone to except them for who they are, not because they are a stressed out over-achiever? How far can we push our kids before they crack? Parents, how far can you be pushed before you crack? We cannot live vicariously through our children pushing them to achieve what we were not able to achieve. They will shut down and not communicate because they know that we will not be able to see beyond our own selfish agendas.

5. We live in a culture that can no longer define the term "family" and yet we want the culture (the village) to raise our children?

We wonder why our kids don't talk to us. Here is the simple hard truth: they don't trust us because we have not earned their trust. We no longer live in a day when trust and respect are simply "given". This, unfortunately has spilled over into our homes. Our village has taught our kids that trust and respect are earned. Our kids don't trust us because we can't see beyond our own agendas. Our kids don't trust us because they can't see beyond our agendas and they know that our agendas keep us from listening to them.

This may appear to be a scathing post, but unless empirical data can be shown to the contrary, we must take a look at how we are treating our children! Empirical data has show exactly what has been laid out in this post: our kids are hurting and few seem to be listening. Data aside, do a gut check and ask the question, "Is something wrong in our culture and how we connect with kids and how kids connect with us?" An honest answer would have to be, "Yes, now how do we fix it?"