Parents and American society do not want to admit this, but rampant divorce is killing our kids! No longer do parents stick together "for the sake of the children". It seems now that parents get divorced for every reason under the sun except for the two most acceptable ones - abuse and infidelity (the two are very often linked together). We have people getting married because they do not understand the sanctity of human life and the sanctity of marriage vows. They usually get married to escape the very hurts that are now being perpetuated upon their children. People usually get into relationships to try to "heal" past hurts - whether it is some type of abuse or abandonment, people are looking to fill the void in their hearts and lives through relationships that are often just as dysfunctional in the long run. This then is perpetuated upon their kids.
Young people today have been systemically (not to be confused with systematically) abandoned. They have been abandoned by their parents who are too consumed with their own agendas and "pursuit of happiness" and living vicariously through their children to schools whose agendas are driven by performance and meritocratic systems that reward those above average, type-cast those who are below average and leave the majority of "average" children to academically fend for themselves. Before we let this group off the hook, Churches have also been guilty of subjecting kids to their agendas of making sure the youth group grows, developing adult driven programs and making kids "fit" into the DNA of the Church all the while never asking kids what they want! Between parents, schools, athletics, Church and other organizations - all expecting different performance results from each child - it is no wonder that kids are stressed out, living multiple (and often conflicting) identities, compartmentalizing their lives and building walls of protection around them. It is no wonder adults say, "Our kids just won't talk to us!"
The question then becomes, "How can we fix what we have obviously so screwed up?" First, in my humble opinion, we have got to throw out the idiotic mentality that, "It takes a village to raise a child!" This is such nonsense for many reasons.
1. It puts a subconscious mentality that "somebody else" will partner with me in raising my child which then leads to abandoning our own responsibilities. "After all," we think, "aren't the 'experts' better equipped to handle this area of my child's life?" The simple answer is "NO!" No one else should have your child's best interests at heart than YOU because you know your child better than anyone else. There is also a big difference between seeking out additional help but you integrating that input into your family life and having some 'expert' try to fix your child. What if, for instance the 'expert' you turn to in the village is the village idiot?
2. The village is not meant to raise your child - YOU are! It doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes to good responsible parents! The village should only be there to help give resources hold parents accountable. This, too, is different from the village raising the child! The problem is we have brought into the lie of big government and governmental education that would have us believe that they know what is best for our children. You may not be an expert in all things raising children, but you are an expert on your child! The village should supply resources, not raise your child.
3. As it can be seen by 1 & 2, the village only has the best interest of the village in mind - not the best interest of your child. Not to get too poignant, but again, look at our current public education system that has told us that they know what is best for our children on everything from sexuality (public schools wanting to teach kindergartners sex-education and advocating for homosexuality as a "normal-alternative" (two contradictory terms) choice of lifestyle and handing out condoms) to academics (where the average child is left behind) and students who "excel" typically have 4 hours of homework a night and are expected to have hundreds of hours of community service AND participate in extra-curricular activities in order to be accepted leaving little time for spiritual development. Is this truly what we want to abdicate our children too?
4. A village typically (in America) perpetuates busyness and our culture continues to create children that are hurried (David Elkin - "The Hurried Child"), stressed, dysfunctional, untrusting and overall, unhealthy! Parents have brought into the lie that keeping our kids busy will keep them out of trouble. Have we ever thought that busyness will cause our kids to eventually breakdown and want to escape the hectic lifestyle we push on them? Have we ever thought that the escape might be into a world of drugs, alcohol or premarital sex because they want someone to except them for who they are, not because they are a stressed out over-achiever? How far can we push our kids before they crack? Parents, how far can you be pushed before you crack? We cannot live vicariously through our children pushing them to achieve what we were not able to achieve. They will shut down and not communicate because they know that we will not be able to see beyond our own selfish agendas.
5. We live in a culture that can no longer define the term "family" and yet we want the culture (the village) to raise our children?
We wonder why our kids don't talk to us. Here is the simple hard truth: they don't trust us because we have not earned their trust. We no longer live in a day when trust and respect are simply "given". This, unfortunately has spilled over into our homes. Our village has taught our kids that trust and respect are earned. Our kids don't trust us because we can't see beyond our own agendas. Our kids don't trust us because they can't see beyond our agendas and they know that our agendas keep us from listening to them.
This may appear to be a scathing post, but unless empirical data can be shown to the contrary, we must take a look at how we are treating our children! Empirical data has show exactly what has been laid out in this post: our kids are hurting and few seem to be listening. Data aside, do a gut check and ask the question, "Is something wrong in our culture and how we connect with kids and how kids connect with us?" An honest answer would have to be, "Yes, now how do we fix it?"
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