Letter To Harley

January 24, 2011

Harley;

I have been trying to “put myself in your shoes” and as I am doing this, I am beginning to think just how scary and difficult a move to Georgia may be for you. Let me give you an idea of how I know exactly what you are feeling: For most people, they do not travel as much as I have. When I was just 18, a few years older than what you are now, I went into the Army and was stationed overseas in Germany. Not only was it a far away place from home, but it was an entirely different country where I only spoke a little of the language but understood more. Regardless, the move was very difficult. What made it worse is that I went to Germany right before Christmas! That was the loneliest Christmas I had ever had – or so I thought. After a while, I went on with life and wound up really LOVING Germany!

Just a few years ago, 2006, I went back overseas to do some consulting with the Department of Defense and I left the first of November. This meant that even as an adult, I was spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas away from family and friends. Again, I went over to England and then Belgium not knowing a soul. Even the “co-workers” who I was supposed to be supervising kind of gave me the “cold shoulder”. It was a very lonely time!

What will be different for you is that you will be coming to a place where you will be GREATLY loved and cared for and you will be with a ton of people who WANT to get to know you and hang out with you! Besides myself, my youth group that I work with are absolutely fantastic! THEY CAN”T WAIT TO MEET YOU! I have a bunch of adult friends too who also want to meet you! Both adults and students are praying for you (and me) and excited to meet you! You are going to be like a Rock Star (but I suppose coming from Kansas, you will be more like a Country Music Star, LOL!)

From our video chats, here is what I can already tell about you: you are very outgoing and very charismatic. (Charismatic means that people are drawn to you and want to be around you.) With that in mind, trust me; don’t work too hard to make friends! Making friends for you will be easy! Let people know you for who you are, not for your past! Here is a secret I learned along time ago when I was just a little older than you: don’t worry about whether some people like you or not. If someone likes you, then good, but if someone does not like you, so what? Your life is more important than worrying about that! You will get real joy out of loving people back who love you and being compassionate toward people who may not like you. If someone doesn’t like you just because of who you are, they are not worth having as a friend. On the other hand, if someone does not care for you because you did something to hurt them, then it is your responsibility to make it right. If you apologize and really try to make it right but they do not forgive you, you have done your part – it is okay to move on and not worry about the other person!

Here is another thing I think I picked up about you: you are very resilient! This means that life can throw some really hard things at you, but because you have such a good heart, you will bounce back from those things! I hope you know that sometimes the most difficult things in life happen to people who will have the most significant impact as a leader! Since your life has had many challenges that you are beginning to successfully overcome, you will be an incredible leader!

This is another thing about leadership: being an excellent leader means that sometimes, you will feel like you are alone because you are making hard decisions! (I promise you that you will NEVER be alone as long as God keeps me here on this earth and even then, God will always be with you and he will surround you with people who will love you if you let them!) This is why education is so important to me. It is not about getting good grades; it is about learning to be a leader! Honestly, nobody wants to follow dumb! Strong leaders are intelligent and they find ways to overcome all difficulties – including education, physical limitations, and past struggles! You have such incredible leadership potential and to hear you pray, I can hear that potential in you! I so cannot wait to be your dad because I KNOW God is stirring within you great leadership!

An Educational Epiphany

I got to thinking the other day about how most kids really struggle with school. Take a kid who has had a very difficult past and has been held back a grade or two because of that past and well, you will more than likely have a kid that will be resistant to "traditional education". You see, traditional education was designed to use a grading system that was supposed to encourage kids. Today however, the grades have become more about "measuring a kid". You can easily see then how kids who have constantly been trying to measure up and get approval can easily become discouraged by a system that continues to "measure them. It is not that the system is "evil" - it is just a system that cannot, for the most part, take into consideration each individual child's needs. It is a "machine" because it has to "mass-produce" education. The machine therefore perpetuates whether or not the child measures up. For children with a difficult past, this is yet one more "disappointment".

Now, I know a "little something" about the educational system. My undergraduate degree is in Special Education, I substitute teach and I deal with kids every day who are in the system. Regardless, I came about my epiphany when thinking about Harley. What do I tell a boy who has suffered outside the system and yet must fit "into" the system? Are you ready for the revelation? This is what I am going to tell Harley:

"Harley, education is not about "getting grades" in order to get a good GPA, in order to get into the right school, in order to get a good job, in order to make a lot of money. (This is what everyone is told and it is not true!) Getting a good education is about leadership and I can boil it all down in one sentence: Nobody wants to follow dumb! Everybody leads somebody. You are an example to someone. Education is about leadership - this is why you should value education. Don't worry about the grades - worry about developing the kind of leader you want to become!"

So, that is it for today. "Nobody wants to follow dumb!"

The Little Dude

So, I gotta be careful about names and such, but Harley is the young man that may very well become my son. We have had two video chats but only after LOTS of other conversations with all the RIGHT people! This time (unlike the time with the twins), I made sure that all the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed! I WILL NOT disappoint another child again!

So I can't give you specifics for obvious reasons, but Harley just turned 11 and he is an AWESOME young man! No, seriously... you need to hear this kid PRAY! (I wouldn't doubt it for one minute if he has a call on his life! The people who typically face the greatest challenges in life often become the greatest leaders!)

Needless to say, any kid coming out of DFACS kind of care is going to have some hurts! Harley has had many, but to see the resiliency in this young man as I talk to him via SKYPE is amazing. He interacts, he laughs, he expresses himself, etc. Now, don't get me wrong... I KNOW there are going to be challenges that I can only pray for God's grace on!

I keep telling one of my co-workers, Alissa, that I am becoming such a woman! (I don't mean this in a derogatory way, simply that I am told that as men age, their estrogen level increases and as women age, their testosterone level increases. This is why you have men who get older start crying more and women who get older start having the "granny beards"!) So I tell Alissa I am becoming such a woman and she keeps telling me that I am "pregnant" - a particularly disturbing image that any of you reading this blog and know what I look like will find it difficult to erase that visual from your brain! Don't go there!

Here is why I am "becoming such a woman"! During the course of our conversation, I realize I need to set Harley's mind at ease a little and talk about the "White Elephant" in the room. Now, Foster Parents aren't typically told everything about a child's past when he or she comes into care for various reasons. However, if you are a potential adoptive parent, they will eventually tell you EVERYTHING. (They try to ease you into it so you don't have visions of some child's head spinning around, spitting out pea soup and talking in mystery languages!) So, by this point, I have been more than eased into it but I do want to go and perform an exorcism on Harley's past "parents" and caregivers!

So, I start with this, "Hey Buddy, you know that I know everything there is to know about your past - or at least as much as I can know from all the paper work. Let me say a couple of things about that. First of all, as an adult I am sorry that any of this ever happened to you and, secondly, it should have NEVER happened to you and finally, none of that crap was your fault..." (Now, the picture on SKYPE is not all that great AND I am a little dense sometime, so bear with me because I still haven't noticed... so, I continue) "...and I promise you this..." (I'm already getting teary-eyed re-thinking about it) "...and I promise you this: I will do everything and anything I can do to keep anything like this from ever happening to you again!" What I now noticed is light "shimmering" down the poor kids face. He was crying. By the time I finish, he is wiping his eyes! CRAP (Carbon Rich Anabolic Product - for those readers who might be offended by the term), NOW my eyes are watering up! The estrogen level is off the charts!!

So, we both regain composure and I re-check my "man-card" by easing away from the conversation and cracking a couple of jokes. We talk about my travel plans and the time frame for visits and transition and then I ask him if he wants to pray. (For those of you who may be clandestine ACLU folks, the boy specifically requested to be in a home that goes to Church so deal with it!) A word about this: Before even talking to Harley, I ask his Foster mom to ask him a couple of questions BEFORE he even knows about me or what I do or what have you. (Remember, I'm dotting i's and crossing t's and I don't want to get some other kids hopes up!) I ask about his favorite pet, what sports or activities he likes to do and what he is looking for in a mom and dad. (I don't want the jig to be up that I'm a single dude, so I'm playing it real cool... "Mom AND Dad...") He gave some cool answers, some that you would expect... he likes dogs,... he likes baseball,... he wants to stay in touch with his Foster mom (that is cool, shows he doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder) and, get this... he has reiterated forcefully and on more than a couple of occasions that he wants to be in a family that goes to Church! Now SERIOUSLY, how can that not be a match?

I actually had to laugh and say, "Dude, you may get more church than you want!" Here is the kicker... he honestly had NO IDEA what I do for a living! I watched as his Foster mom (who by the way has done an AWESOME job, not just with Harley, but with 4 other boys as well - as a single mom whose kids are grown - none of you have an excuse!), I watched his Foster mom explain to Harley what I do and you would not believe how his face LIT UP! So yea, we prayed together. Now, funny enough, I asked him, "Do you want to pray?" His answer: "Yeah" "Do you want me to pray first or you to pray first?" His answer (I thought) was that he would pray first. We bow our heads (and remember we are on a video chat), and there is this long silence. If I'm lying I'm dying: after a few moments of awkward silence, it was just like we were in the same room, we both look up at the same time and say, "I thought you were praying first?" We re-established that I would pray first, which I did and then I said, "In Jesus name..." and waited for Harley to pray.

I've got a confession to make: I've been working with young people long enough to kind of expect "an 11-year old prayer" along the lines of, "thank you for Aunt Sally, bless my little puppy with the runny nose" (I exaggerate; don't get mad Childrens Pastors) but instead, what I get is this incredibly well-spoken prayer that was not rehearsed, or written down, or read or a repeat of what any other adult had said. I was BLOWN AWAY!!! I'm thinking to myself, "If this little dude doesn't have a call on his life, I am going to be very surprised!"

So, after an hour and ten minutes on SKYPE, we finally, and begrudgingly end the call, but Harley's Foster mom posted this to me via face book after I told her just a little bit about our conversation:

"That I'm sure made him feel more secure w/u but meeting u n person is what he really looking forward too. He is calm just pick his cars up & playing his DS.. letting him stay up later 2nite!! til 10:30 anyways. =/ "

Wow! What a RIDE! So, pray for me, pray for Harley and pray that I don't get overcome by estrogen (or the ACLU). I gotta go now as I'm going to print Harley's picture off so I can put in my wallet to remind me to pray for him. I'm thinking I'm going to mail him my picture because if he prays for me the way he did over the video, I'm GOLDEN!

Adoption and God

Many of my friends and family might wonder where the thought of ever adopting came from. Well, I will try to make a long story short. Obviously, I care about families and I care about kids... if I didn't, well, let's just say I am REALLY in the wrong line of work. I have always desired to have a family, loving wife (as much as she could be putting up with me - and a life-long youth pastor to boot!), 2.5 kids, dog, etc. Unfortunately, the ideal has never worked out... yet. (I am stubborn and a die-hard. I'm not throwing in the towel completely! Take note any sane, single, Christan ladies!)

Frankly, there is a lot to be said, both good and bad, about being a life-long Youth Pastor. For one, you better be at least okay with the idea of ALWAYS (and I mean always) playing second fiddle at best, if you even get handed a fiddle! You'll never make the same as the Senior Pastor, you'll always put in just as many (if not more in some places) hours, you always have a crazy schedule usually lining up with the lives of other families and when you can get with students (hello, nights and weekends), and needless to say, this doesn't all sit too well with potential brides! Let's face it, it takes a special woman to be a Pastor's wife, let alone a life-long Youth Pastor's wife! I'm just sayin...

Regardless, about 3 1/2 years ago, I was overseas hopping around working with military dependents through MCYM (Military Community Youth Ministries) and collaborating as a DoD contractor (for lack of a better term of understanding). I was in the BOQ in Mons, Belgium - home of SHAPE Headquarters (Supreme Headquarters, Allied Powers Europe for the less military inclined folks) and I was having my quiet time. Now, if you are like me, you will easily discover that you can read the Bible multiple times over and, even keeping up with good exegetical work, God can talk to you with many different messages from the same scripture. (How amazing is that?)

I was making my way through a tiny book called, "James" when I came across James 1:27, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress AND to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." That verse smacked me between the eyes. I honestly thought to myself, "So, what in the world can I do about that? I am a single guy (an an ultra-realist) and I don't think there is anything I could do about it." That was my thought about the orphans. As far as the widows, well, let's just say I wasn't looking for a cougar! Of course, there is caring for my mom, who is an widow, but that is a different story. My final thought was, "God, it is pretty inconvenient for you to end this chapter with this verse," because I could not shake it and frankly, I was a little miffed that he would put this so indelibly on my brain! God was not fighting fair... once again! He had touched my hip joint and I was walking with a limp. (I already do that physically, now it was spiritual - rats!)

So, I did what any other god-fearing, responsible and compassionate Christian (and Pastor to boot) would do - I sluffed it off! Or so I thought! When I say indelibly on my brain, that is one of many understatements in my life! I literally could not sleep! I was angry and I couldn't even tell why! I kept arguing, "God, I'm a single guy. I waiting for the right woman! I don't even know where I'm going to be next, etc., etc. (Cue visions of Moses, "But God, you know about my speech impediment, right? You want someone else!)

I talked to godly people I trusted thinking they would be logical and help get me off the hook. They didn't do it. Either they were just trying to be nice or they didn't want to talk me out of whatever God was saying. Yes, there were those that said, "You do realize some of the things you might have to deal with adopting a child?" (Like I hadn't considered things like, "Your life will dramatically change," "You realize you are going to have to quit doing all the things you do - ministry or not," "Those kids come with a lot of problems" - you know things that you sit there and think, "Do I really look that dumb to these folks that I haven't considered these things yet? These are the things that are scaring me!" I prayed about it (again, and again, and again).

So the compromises started. "Okay God, I'll just go check out some of the foster care/adoption classes. After all, it will at least help me appreciate what these kids and kids in our culture go through and if anything, it can give me some additional insight and pointers on working with kids with ADHD, hurt kids, etc. Maybe the caseworkers will say, 'Are you kidding? You're a single guy with a busy life! You shouldn't do this adoption thing.'" (None of the caseworkers said this by the way. (No fair God, it's like the cards are stacked.)

I go through the training, have a home study done and before I know it, I'm a candidate for adoption. Then, the Church where I am at is taking some different directions and it's the beginning of the economic downturn. At the same time, I get the opportunity to work with another ministry down in Florida. Guess what? Georgia home studies are not good in Florida since I will be living in Florida, not Georgia! I'M OFF THE HOOK!!!!

I go to the new ministry that happens to partner with 4KidsofSouthFlorida and the church introduces me to the Executive Director. Being a new "Executive Director" myself, we hit it off really well. Guess what he asks me? "Have you ever considered adoption?" YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?!?!

I go through the training (again - you have to do it for each State), I do all the paperwork (again), I have a new home study done (again) and I pass everything. By this point, between the background checks of new ministries and for adoption in two States, I'm thinking the FBI or Homeland Security is having red flags go up all over the place and I am now on the Terrorist Watch List!

The ministry I am at starts to do some things that I can't sign off on. Guess what? I resign determined to get out of ministry, get re-certified and teach! At least there, I expect secular people to act the way they do! Needless to say, I am hurt and adoption is THE LAST thing I am thinking about. I'M OFF THE HOOK, again... painfully, but off the hook.

I visit The Orchard as a kind of favor to a buddy of mine who has been in Youth Ministry about the same amount of time I have been. He tells me, "Look, Rich, do me a favor and just go. This will be the first time they are hiring a full-time youth pastor and they need to know what to compare." I know him and I trust him so I go with no intention of looking for a ministry job. This was just to help the Orchard compare apples and oranges (after all, most Youth Pastors have to be a little fruity).

I actually like the Church. I am skeptical, but I like it. Truth be known, the skepticism is going away slowly but surely but being cynical is a little harder to kill. So, I get an offer to work at The O and I think, "Okay, one last chance! It is a smaller Church, the salary is A LOT smaller, but it will give me a chance to work on my Doctoral degree." (I had already signed up for some courses to get re-certified, so I dropped that and got accepted to Fuller... again!) I'm leaving Florida, coming back to Georgia - where again, a Florida home study is no good for Georgia! (Did I mention I thought I was off the hook.)

I work at the Orchard and I go to Catalyst with the staff. OF COURSE, they have the Compassion folks there and all the while the indelible mark is there, but surely God has let me off the hook. I mean, come on... look at the circumstances! God starts nagging (again)! "Okay God, let's make a deal, how about I sponsor a Compassion child? I've always wanted to do that too!" The check book comes out and I become a sponsor for Ludy Eugenio Vega Gonzales in Nicaragua... a cool little 4 year-old with a passion for "Cars" - the cartoon! My conscience is salved, right? Nope! God says, "That's great but that's not what I was asking you to do!" "Great," I think, "couldn't you have made that clear BEFORE I wrote the check." I still don't do anything though because I thinking at this point, this is God's battle. I kid you not, THE NEXT DAY I get a call from The Giving Tree, the organization I was originally working with before I left for Florida. "Hey Rich, we were just wondering what's going on with you!" We chat. They're still interested and they tell me, "By the way, all your paper work is still good with us. We just need to come out to your new place and revise your home study." You would think I'd throw up the white flag by now, right? Noooooo, I am a stubborn German!

We redo the home study, a couple of months go by and I am stupid, I MEAN STUPID ENOUGH to throw out another challenge to God! "Okay God, if you really want this to happen, you're going to have to provide a potential match pretty soon because I am not going to go through a long drawn out process!" Guess what happens? You'll never guess! I get a call THE NEXT DAY with a potential match. Short story, it doesn't work out because I am realizing that the twins REALLY need a two-parent home, but God said, "Okay, you want to play that way, here you go..." (Now I have to clean up the emotional mess of telling two boys, 'Sorry, but I don't think I am the best parent for you.')

I surrender God! I'm done. Whatever you want. I'm just going to shut up, and along came Harley...