I am not trying to brag here, so please bear with me and you will see why I make the following statements. I served in the U.S. Army doing force protection where I was in the first American Unit to go through the French Commando training. I have worked for and consulted with the Department of Defense and the US Army working with military dependents in Europe. I am a published author, contributor to the Teen Devotional Bible, and have run several large youth ministries. I have gotten my undergraduate degree in Special Education, my Masters in Theology and am working on a Doctorate in Youth, Family and Culture. I have worked with lots of troubled kids, was part of pioneering ministry to early adolescents through an international ministry and have been a consultant and speaker. I hold two different black belts, a third degree in Isshin-Ryu Karate, a second degree black belt in Americanized Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Jui-Jitsu. I have been a Lifeguard and Lifeguard Instructor. I have done a lot in my life and yet NONE of the accomplishments above have been as difficult or as challenging as being a “connected” dad!
Six-months ago, I started the journey to adoption after fighting against that call to adopt. These first six-months have been enlightening, challenging, frustrating, joyful, tearful, and all together life-changing. I have to say though, I would never have been able to become a connected dad if it were not for my “support systems”. These support systems include family, friends, my church and professionals such as counselors and therapists. Frankly, the boy I adopted came from a past full of traumatic and very painful hurts. Despite this, Aaron has become very resilient and capable of overcoming the challenges from his past. He made the “Merit Roll” for the first time ever. I suspect he will continue to do well in school because he has the same support system I have – friends, family, church and professionals. I have a newfound respect for single parents – especially single moms who have more than one child.
I don’t know what it is about our human nature that causes us to act contrary to what we know deep down is the right thing to do. For those of us who have a faith, it would seem contrary to stay disconnected from a church because that would seem to indicate that our faith is irrelevant to our every day lives. For whatever reason – maybe too many Sundays away – we become complacent at best, or lazy at worst and we stay away. This then becomes a habit. We say we are believers but those “beliefs” never really impact our lives. Unfortunately, this seems to be happening with our parenting. We say we love our children, but then things happen. They get older, we get a divorce, work seems to take too much time, and before you know it, we are just as disconnected from our kids as we are our church. Then we wonder why our relationship with our kids becomes as irrelevant as our faith and relationship with our church.
The surrendering is subtle and un-noticed. It all starts by our surrendering our children to the “professionals”. Professionals to teach my child (schools and teachers), a professional to coach my child (coaches), a professional to spiritually train my child (Pastor, Priest or Rabbi), a professional to listen to my child (counselor/therapist), professionals to develop character in my child (Scouts or other civic organizations), etc. There are many more professionals we surrender our children to. You get the idea. I was actually told recently by a professional who I relied on to be the professional that I, as a parent, was the best professional for my child. That stunned me because I thought she was the professional and I relied on her to guide me in the “right directions”. The problem is, and she is right, I probably have relied on her too much to be a professional when in reality, she has no idea what truly goes on day-in and day-out in my home. Guess what? None of the “professionals” knows what goes on in your home day-in and day-out either! It is time to once again become “professional” parents in our culture once again. At the end of the day, professionals can make suggestions and do their thing, but ultimately parents have to be the ones to live with the results.
Don’t let anyone fool you – being a connected dad (or parent) is hard work, but when we keep the long-term development of our relationship with our children in mind, it is worth so much more than money, black belts, education or accolades! I may have been a professional in so many of the areas above, but the one place I want to excel the most in is in the area of being a “professional dad”. Who will join me?
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