When To Be Pastoral

I find it rather strange the times when people want you to be their Pastor:
1. When talking about where you go to church (even if you only go 3 times a year),
2. If you make them feel good with a warm-fuzzy message and good worship music,
3. When people want a "traditional" wedding and need a Pastor (even if the Pastor is not really your Pastor).
4. When people need to pull the "God" card in a conversation,
5. When people need someone else straightened up, (ie., kids, spouse, etc.),
6. When people need a "miracle" or emergency prayer,
7. When someone needs you to do their funeral.

Here is when people do not want you to be their Pastor:
1. When they need to be held accountable (maybe smoking pot or drinking with your kid or the way your kid (or for that matter, mom and dad) isn't exactly dressing appropriate). Seriously, do we need so much cleavage at the Church of all places? Heaven forbid a Pastor should be HONEST! And let's not get caught up in the cultural lie, "The Bible says we shouldn't judge anyone." REALLY? The Bible clearly talks about not judging UNBELIEVERS but we as believers are to hold each other accountable and bear each others burdens. And don't throw out the "holier than thou" cliche either. If it upsets you that I am going through a process of sanctification, asking you AS A BELIEVER to do the same (but you refuse), then yes, maybe I am holier than thou. Deal with it. Trust me, I am not casting stones, but I am making a whip. Seems like I have some pretty good company in that arena. Notice the audience - sinner who knew she needed help (no stone throwing needed) as opposed to people who claimed to know God intimately but where hypocrites FOR NOT BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE (enter the mad man with a whip).
2. When the Church needs funding. Do people think God just magically drops money out of the sky to pay the utilities, maintenance, logistics, staff salaries? Lest you think I am living in opulence, I live in a $60,000.00 town home, drive a 2000 Ford Explorer that is literally falling apart, paying for my own continuing education, have no retirement benefits, pay some of my medical AND raising a child. For heaven's sake people, no wonder Pastors have to beg for funding - we are literally close to being beggars ourselves! At my age, most people make almost 3 times what I make. Seriously, what do you think we do with the money? Frankly, the people who typically give the least are the ones who complain the most. See a correlation?
3. When the Pastor is not perfect, but is expected to be.

I am certain there are other times people don't want a Pastor to be their Pastor, but one and two listed above are pretty much the "biggies".

Lies I Tell My Kids

There was an interesting segment on The Early Show this morning (Saturday, December 3, 2011) highlighting a mom who blogs about how she makes it through the day in dealing with her 4-year old daughter. She talked about the "mis-truths" she tells her daughter in order to get the kind of behaviors she needs from her daughter. This jogged my memory about the lies we tell kids in our culture. Two in particular - Thanksgiving mythology and Christmas.

As you know, I am adopting a now 12-year old. Aaron is at the age where he was questioning the whole Santa Claus mythology. Before you stop reading thinking I am one of those "Anti-Santa Claus" people - I am not. In fact, I am very "pro-Santa", but in a specific way. I think we should take the "false mythologies" of the day and teach the truth behind them. By the way, Aaron had no idea that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus - not surprising in our culture. I wonder how many other children (and adults) have no idea about the true meaning of Christmas. Adult mythology is about being together with friends and family.

Anyway, I digress. When it comes to Santa, the contemporary Santa mythology finds is foundation in the true Saint Nicholas of Asia Minor who was known for his compassion and charity. ( http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/news/2004/nick.html ) Saint Nicholas' actions were driven by his faith in Jesus Christ and he became known as the patron Saint of children. Are yous starting to see the connections?

Why is this so important? Well, if you "lie" about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Thanksgiving rather then finding the truth about these origins, your child may get to an age where he or she asks, "So if my parents lied about Santa, is what they told me about Jesus true too?"

What I am encouraging parents and caregivers to do is to find out the truth behind the legend. Once the truth is found out, compare to what the current mythology is. Reclaim the truth of the legend and share that with your child explaining how the legend came to be. If a child asks, "Does Santa really come down the chimney," don't be afraid to answer truthfully. (Kids are asking because they realize that not every home has a chimney.) Remind kids that according to legend of Saint Nicholas, some of the gifts he would deliver to families would be by dropping those gifts down the chimney. Once again, Saint Nicholas was driven in these acts of compassion by his love for Christ - something our culture has forgotten.

So, I believe there is a way to keep the spirit of Santa Claus as celebrated by our culture, have great memories for your children and use these opportunities to point your children to Christ. After all, isn't that what we are supposed to do as parents - tell the truth and point them to Jesus, the ultimate truth?

Merry Christmas!

Fringe Kids

Sorry it has been a while since I have written, trying to care for an adoptive child and working on a Doctoral paper will do that. I have to admit, there is much perplexing about life right now - much of which I will not bore you with. I do have to say that I want to "share" a burden, or an epiphony, if you will.

Early in my ministry years, I was with a para-church ministry that really went after the "fringe" kids - or at least that is what they claimed. It is not that I doubt that, but I think the strategy was to use the "popular kids", you know, the jocks, cheerleaders, Mr. & Mrs. Homecoming - you get the picture - to reach the "fringe kids". I have been thinking on this subject of fringe kids now for quite some time now and I have come to a few conclusions:

1. The kids who used to be the "fringe kids" are now the normal kids and the "normal kids" are now becoming the fringe kids. Here is what I mean. I hate to put this so bluntly, but our culture is so screwed up that it seems there are not more hurting kids in our culture than health kids. The healthy kids, since there are fewer of them, are now becoming the fringe kids and the hurting kids are becoming the norm.

2. Our culture continues to abandon kids. Kids are daily sacrificed on the altar of adult agendas. Schools teach to tests, not educate the child. While children are being taught to tests and not being taught how to think and process critically, they are also expected to have hihg academic performance. Sports become about winning at all costs or pursuing a coveted scholarship. Parents, coaches and officials fight on the fields in front of these kids. Popular media has become a pusher of goods in order to make a buck. Pharmaceutical companies are making BILLIONS on pushing drugs on our kids! Youth Ministries are pressured to "grow in numbers" in order to be considered "successful". (If not, there is obviously a failure on the part of the Youth Pastor.) Peers become survival tribes where more time is spent in your tribe then with your parents. Musicians push there message and music in the pursuit of bling.

3. Due to everything in #2, kids are developing multiple identities simply to cope. They present to so many different people who they think those other people want them to be. This is yet another expectation they have to keep up - and the pressure mounts.

4. We have become a narcissistic culture where the good name of a sporting institution is more important then reporting a known child sex-offender. (Did you not know that sports have become one of the many gods in our culture?) Church services better be over quick and the church better not schedule an opportunity to feed the poor if there is an "important football" game coming on - and after all, aren't they all important?

5. Kids are growing up without extended family, HEALTHY role-models and age-segregated churches. Kids are left to "figure out life" on their own. From the time they are two and in the stroller or car seat, they are "entertained" with portable DVD players in the car or whenever mom and dad "can't handle" dealing with their child right now.

These are but a few of the things going on that are causing the "fringe kids" to become the norm. God help us wake up before it is too late. The measure of how we are treating our kids now will the the measure of how they treat us - and then some - when we are old and need to rely on them to care for us. How's that gonna work out for us?

What Next?

It seems like we are always asking this question. Hope is lost when we don't have the slightest idea of what is coming up next. Think about the things that keep you going; dinner with a friend, the hope of true love, a purpose in what you do at work, a ministry opportunity on the side, planning for the future. The human spirit is a fickle thing. While we are called to live in and enjoy the present, this is difficult to do without a clear view of the future.

Maybe this is what is going on in America today - in 2011. There seems to be little idea of what is going to happen in the future and so it makes it difficult to live in the present. Whether it is on a micro-scale (your and my individual lives) on or a macro-scale (the nation/world we live in), facing an uncertain future makes living in the present less enjoyable.

When we "lose the plot", we have no idea of where to go to next. Our path becomes blocked, it is less evident, it seems aloof, uncertain, unclear, undecided and so we are stuck. We don't know whether to move to the right or to the left, forward or backward and so we just stay where we are. We dream about what could have been, what should have been and trading lives with someone, and sometimes, something else. Have you ever looked at a bird and thought, "I sure wish I were that bird! No worries, no fears, no thought of the future or the past. Just a bird that can fly about taking life one moment at a time."

Psalm 16:11 says, "You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

Of course, there is Jeremiah 29:11 - 12 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'"

Notice how hope and a future are tied together in Jeremiah 29! It is a difficult thing to do to "wait upon the Lord" and to look to the future at the same time! How can we be content in the moment and yet look to the future for "better" things - whatever those better things are?

Personally, and vulnerably, I look at my life and I thought it would be so much more! After all, there were visions of grandeur in ministry and it seems that I was always on the cusp of greatness only to fall short. Whether my blindness or the blindness of others that have kept me short of doing great things, I find myself hollering out like the Bartimaeus hollering out, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Being blind to our future keeps us from enjoying our present and enjoying those who are in the present moment with us. "Lord, help us receive our sight!"

An Honest Response... At Least For Now!

Someone just recently asked me about adopting a teenager out of the foster care system. Here was my honest response... at least for now:

"Oh, now is so not the time to ask me without getting an emotional response! Aaron is not even a teen yet and I am having soooo many problems with him to where I may need to put him in an EBD class and boot camp! I am really torn on my answer. While I know there are MANY teens that need a good home and need to be "out of the system" because few people will adopt older kids or teens, I struggle with what that looks like for each family! So much will depend on your family dynamics, (do you have older children, younger children, how strong is your marriage, etc.) and the child's dynamics (their history, why they are in foster care, his or her temperament, etc.). I will tell you this: I have discovered that when a child comes out of foster care, the caseworkers only usually know a little of what has really gone on in that child's life. There is usually years of abuse or neglect that has gone on that happened before the child finally came into care. This means there are some deep emotional scars that are in these kids' lives. I am still way to early into struggles with Aaron to let you know how I would feel about it for you all. I simply don't know enough. While it seems like the right and noble thing to do, that may not be enough to carry you through. Feel free to chat more with me about this but know that you should prepare yourself for THE WORSE possible situations!"

Here is what I discovered: most of these kids have gone through abuse, neglect or what have you to a far more degree than what the Social Workers let you know. This is not because the Social Worker is trying to hide anything from you, sometimes they don't know the extend of the abuse that went on before the child came into care. As you get to know the child and build a rapport and trust, the child will start telling you things that the Social Worker had no idea about. Most of the abuse and damage is far more reaching than most would suspect.

As you can imagine, these years of damage leave many deep scars in tact. These scars are difficult to overcome! The hardest part is how do you teach a child to become an Over-comer rather than a Victim? How do you discipline a child that has been abused. Reason and logic have rarely been a part of their existence. Spanking will rekindle images of abuse. You feel trapped. You feel torn. You feel angry, anxious, betrayed, helpless, frustrated - most of all, you really want to meet up with the kid parents/caregivers and give them a taste of what they dished out on the child!

Of course, as they say, "The honeymoon period is over!" Even though you are providing a better atmosphere and place for the child, don't expect him to either notice or appreciate it! When you are disciplining the child, he will tell you that he wants to go back to where he came from. (Interestingly enough, even thought the the Egyptians were enslaving and killing the people of Israel, they still wanted to go back into bondage!) Doesn't make sense, does it? The people of Israel were afraid of the unknown. So are children coming out of foster care - they too are afraid of the unknown! They would rather go back to the abuse then have to deal with the unknown. For them, the world is a very unsafe, uncaring and unloving place. This is the result of sin in our world. How could anyone deny it?

In the meantime, I will keep praying and hoping for the day when Aaron gets healthy and our home becomes a more joyful place! Until then...

Physician, Heal Thyself

Satan plays mind games and usually at the most strategic times. For instance, several months ago we had it planned out that I would give the message in our "What Kids Know About Parenting" series entitled, "I Need Correction". The message was in line with the need for Discipline. That sword cuts two ways; parents need to be disciplined in order to discipline their children and children need to be disciplined. They feel safe within set boundaries EVEN THOUGH they are going to test those boundaries. Boundaries tell them that they are loved and that they are cared about and cared for.

Of course, Satan knew about this message series and he knew what I was going to be preaching on. This week has been a difficult week of dealing with a stubborn child who has gotten in trouble at school - only 6 days after school started. Satan got in my head. "What can you say about discipline and being a good parent? Your kid is already a discipline problem." You see what he does? He puts doubt in your mind in order to keep you from speaking the truth! Satan says, "Did God really say...?" And the doubt begins.

A little disclaimer here: I can at least say I have not had the benefit of having Aaron from the beginning as an infant. He has not had the stability of growing up in one regular home where he knows what to expect. This is what I have had to tell myself as Satan put doubt in my mind about my ability to parent. Aaron has not had the opportunity to grow up in a home that operated under the principles I would be teaching on. The principles are still true and the sooner a home functions under them, the more likely the child will learn the healthy and wise ways of functioning.

Here are the principles that I taught on:

1. Avoid making rash statements. Jephthah made the mistake in Judges 11 of making a rash statement. It cost his daughter her life and an insurmountable amount of pain and grief. Don't make rash statements in the heat of the battle with your spouse or your kids. Think about what you need to say and when you need to say it. Trust me, your kids know when you are upset or they have disappointed you. Your facial expressions and body language already tell them everything they need to know. Harsh words might only do more damage. Do you want your kids flying off the handle when they get angry? Which brings me to the next point:

2. What parents do in moderation, kids will do in excess. Take Adam and Eve. Their rebellion cost them paradise! It was jealousy and desire that caused them to eat the fruit of disobedience - they wanted to be like God. Their jealousy (even if it was in moderation) was taken to excess when Cain was jealous of Abel. It was this jealousy that lead to the first murder.

3. Make sure the punishment fits the crime! While it would seem harsh for God to throw Adam and Eve out of Paradise, it was in their best interest for Him to do so. After their disobedience, God knew that Adam and Eve had the opportunity to eat of the tree of life, they would remain in their broken and sinful state, separated from God, for all eternity.

4. Don't be a house divided! From Jacob and Esau to to Joseph being a father's favorite, households that are divided rarely have positive outcomes for their children. Rebekah and Isaac were divided over the future of their children. Being the eldest child, Esau should have gotten the blessing but Rebekah favored Jacob and tricked her own husband into giving the blessing to Jacob - the second born. This caused a major rift in the life of the children! Joseph knew that he was favored and his brothers had a hard time overcoming this!

5. Think about consequences before you give them out! If you give a consequence in the heat of the moment, you may regret it! Have you ever said something "crazy" like, "You are going to be grounded for the next 30 years!" While this is an exaggeration, your child knows just like you that you will not be able to ground him or her for the next 30 years. It is an empty threat... and they know it. They will take advantage of this. If you back off the consequence, they will not take you seriously the next time. If you stick with the ridiculous consequence, they you will exacerbate your child. I give Aaron some a choice and then hold him to it. For instance, if I say, "You have to take out the trash. You can take it out now or you have until 7:00 PM. I will give you one reminder only and if you do not take out the trash, you will not get your allowance for it and you will have a consequence." This gives you time to think about a logical consequence that both you and your child can live with.

So, as you can see, while Satan might get into my head, what I have to teach is still sound. While Aaron has not had this foundation before, he can have it now. I have to remind myself of the long-term goal and results of Aaron becoming a healthy person. If I can build a new foundation and be consistent with discipline, we both just might have a shot of keeping our sanity!

Praying for the best!

Some Serious Considerations

A friend of mine (thanks LJ!) sent a wonderful blog about "Post Adoption Depression". Let me first say, no, I am not depressed. Wondering if I can be a good father, yes! Mainly it is because the boy is still learning to trust and learning the "rules of the house". I feel like I am constantly having to stay a couple of steps ahead of him. I am torn as to whether I should or should not have gotten the puppy for Aaron and let him adopt the puppy. In a way, I think I did the right thing as a dog gives unconditional love and is great "therapy" for any kid.

I do understand why parents are so thankful for when kids get back into school. It has little to do with not wanting their kids around, but more about getting some routine back into life and having more time to get things done. On a bit of a humorous note, I got to thinking the following thoughts:

I used to have some money, now it goes to my son and a dog.

I used to have free time, now I have no idea when I will have "free time". (Thanks for other families though with whom Aaron has been able to get together with.)

I used to get rest, now I have fallen asleep standing up in the shower.

I used to have a clean house, now I could clean everyday and things are still going to get messy.

I used to do laundry once a week, now it is 3 - 4 times a week! (Thank goodness he is not a girl! I'd hate to see how much laundry I would do then.)

I used to be able to make decisions, now I wrestle with nearly every thought! (Seriously, I stood in the shower the other day and was so tired, I didn't know which leg to wash first!)

I STILL believe though that I have made the right decisions!

Peace!